Introverts and Feelings

How introverts and extroverts interact...

Another original by me.

Feeling a bit reflective...

I am feeling reflective tonight and actually have some time to blog. I tried to look within myself… I tried to search out the angsty things that needed to be worked out. I tried to find something that I could type up and work out in 500 words or less and feel better about after hitting publish and as I searched I found nothing substantial enough to crowd out the things that have become my "life".

Time has been bit of a luxury this school year. As some may remember I moved from rural Louisiana to New Orleans almost a year ago now. Life got busy moving to the big city as I took on a new job and moved in with my girl.

This has probably been the best year ever for my career. My students have grown phenomenally. I have been selected to join a few state committees pushing to reform education in the state. My Spanish got really good really fast talking to first graders all day long, teaching curriculum and designing educational materials all in Spanish.  ALL of those things take up a lot of my waking hours.

I devote almost all of my free time to Leigh, playing pool with her, sitting next to her on the couch, and nesting in the most "abominable" of manners… Yep Mormon relatives cringed as they witnessed photos on Facebook of our recent trip to IKEA. Our names landed on the prayer rolls of the temple when they saw us in cowboy hats on Leigh's fathers ranch. Then our Valentine's Day photos were scandalous…

Couch, Leigh, Oscar peaking over the blanket... 

She is carrying my school stuff out of the IKEA

At the ranch. 

Valentines

We are so abominable... We need to pay some serious indulgences... We'll contribute to the next mall, afterall everyone loves a good Pottery Barn right? 

In my reflection tonight I find that I am a little bit emotional. I find that I am really fucking happy with where things are right now. I am grateful for 25 first graders that cheer when I pass out their math homework and are sad to move to second grade next year. I am happy to have a girlfriend that gets me and loves me. I am grateful for the bravery that I found that helped me to search out "new" things. These things, it seems, have sort of worked out so many of the angsty things that had hung around for so many years after leaving the church. Mormonism is no longer my first nor my last thought during the day. I credit the new life that I have embraced with helping me to fill that void. Living in the present and not in the past has pushed me into a new realm and the days are full and sometimes long, but I would not trade if for the world. 

Make the jump

My status update today said:

If the most persistent challenge so far in our relationship is that she likes the thermostat on 65 and I like it on 70 I think we are doing something right.

This status update was pretty popular. It got a lot of likes and several cute comments but what that status update lacked was context. Without context one might think, "How wonderful! They don't fight, have problems, and look pretty damn perfect."

The status update is not a lie. Our most persistent problem is the temperature we prefer the apartment to be but we are certainly not the perfect couple. We have fought. We have raised our voices. We have gone to bed mad a few times. We have made each other cry. We have had disagreements and we don't always understand the other… Not so perfect sounding now chirpy status update!

There is work we do together to make sure we get through those times…

The area where I do have to pat us both on the back is that when those things happened we have consistently prioritized the relationship, the other person, communicating to the best of our abilities, and compromising. On a regular basis we do nice things for each other, say specific things we love or appreciate about the other, and spend time with each other.

We have been dating for about 15 months now, and cohabitating for about 8. Once in awhile I look back over the time we have spent together, I think about where we are at, and where we hope to be and I am both proud of us and amazed.

I wonder how I got into a relationship that for intents and purposes looks like it is on a good track. I never had super good examples of what a "good relationship" should look like. The only thing that I can think is that while looking at all those less than stellar relationships and couples in my life I made a checklist of things I did not like and things that I did not want to do.

I don't believe in higher powers, but I will send out into the blogosphere the hope (backed with all of the effort that I can muster on my own) that we go the distance.

When I made that New Year's resolution  back in January of 2012 to date women actively and possibly seek out a serious relationship I thought that I had already done all of the "self work" I needed to. I did not realize how brave deciding to choose Leigh would require me to be.

Being in a serious and long term relationship with someone that you love like crazy is like holding up a big mirror. You are suddenly put into situations where weaknesses you never knew you had are suddenly glaringly obvious. Where those weaknesses, as a single person, never seemingly cost you anything before you swiftly find that if you don't keep working on yourself things won't run smoothly in the relationship. It becomes another chance to open up, communicate more, and let someone love you for your imperfect self.

I am not sure exactly where to leave this. I decided to write it because there are so many that leave the church and find taking the leap into relationships really hard. Some don't make the leap at all and remain single. I don't feel exactly bad for them because maybe they do let others in. Maybe those who remain single really do want and choose that, but for those that spent years scared and desiring to make the leap I guess I can say that I understand. While I can't say you won't get hurt I can say that I think it probably worth the risk and the possible pain.

 For me the rough first dates, and scary crushes that did not end well were worth it. I am proud of myself for pushing through those and being willing to make the leap. I am proud of myself for recognizing when a truly good opportunity came along to love and be loved. It was perhaps the scariest thing I have ever done but knowing that my babe is about to come home from work, cuddle with me on the couch, talk about her day, and cook dinner with me makes it seem silly to be so scared of the possible pain…

Now may I only continue to be willing to confront myself, feel, and keep on talking to her.  

Being a Mormon woman

There it is again… My Mormonism creeping up on me… Specifically this time I have Mormon women from my life flipping through my mind. What values did I learn from them that I am finding so crippling right now?

You were not righteous if you were even slightly selfish. "Selfish" is perhaps not the right word. If you did not put everyone else's needs before your own you were not doing it right. If you yourself are not practically falling apart from caring for everyone else first your worthiness is probably in question…

Yep. That is kind of where I am right this second… Well not totally. I am not going to fall apart but I definitely don't feel balanced. I definitely don't feel like I am taking care of myself.

Perhaps that right there is another Mormon woman value. Taking care of oneself. Don't show anyone that you need anything. Don't be a burden on anyone else. Don't whine if you can help it.

So much of these "values" of putting others first at all costs and making yourself totally self reliant emotionally, physically, and spiritually really create broken people with big problems. These anti-values really create people who are tired, imbalanced and don't know how to even talk about their own needs and feelings. So dysfunctional.

Be really nice, non-confrontational, and passive-aggressive agreeable. 

I am finding right now in my life that I have several questions.

1. How do I start to take care of myself without feeling totally selfish and awful?

2. How to open up and start using positive phrases like, "Hey I really need x right now…" "I am feeling y…" AND not feel really guilty about it? 

There are moments where I really want to be that sort of still sickenly-sweet ex-Mormon woman who "appreciates her heritage" and recognizes her cultural roots, and is gosh darn grateful for being a Mormon in her past and all it taught her... ***BARF*** I am really beginning to see how Mormonism probably robbed me of a lot of things... 

I'm doing this therapy thing...

So I made an important decision about a week ago that led to a conversation with Leigh.

We were in the car on our way to Redbox. The conversation was pretty heavy for a trip to Redbox. I had several emotions welling up rather unexpectedly and both of my hands gripped the steering wheel like a lifeline. How did I explain to her why this was important for me… How did I explain that this was not about her, or at least not directly about her…

"I just think that if you are going to talk about me or about us I should be there." She was concerned. As soon as she found out that the therapist I was going to go see was an older lesbian she had visions of this older lesbian therapist sweeping me off of my feet and taking me away from her.  Maybe that is an exaggeration... But she did feel a little threatened about being a possible topic of conversation and not being there to hear what was said.

I understood where she was coming from. Though I would certainly be discussing things that impacted our relationship, and probably discussing our relationship too, going to therapy was not about "us". I, capital "I", would be having these problems not matter what relationship I was in.  

I have a problem identifying what I need.

I have a problem dealing with my emotions (or really having them at all).

These things impact the relationship but certainly predate the relationship. In fact to be honest the relationship IS one of the reason that I am choosing to address these things. I don't want to fuck an incredibly good thing up by ignoring my issues.

When I put it like that she understood.

So I have an appointment on Wednesday with one therapist and a list of other possible therapists incase I don't like this one… Here we go… Yeah self-improvement. I think I really need this.

Crying over the church not because of it...

Something big happened the day after I wrote my John Dehlin post. I was reading comments on the post  and my eyes began to fill up with tears. I had a pit in my stomach. The calm that had been there seconds ago gave way to confusion…  Where was this coming from? 

Tears streaming down my cheeks I realized that these were not just any tears. These were tears that were showing up unexpectedly about three years late. These were my  "resignation from the church" tears. When these tears did not come three years ago I had mistakenly thought it was because I had already moved on... I figured that it was a sign that the church was already behind me. LOL!!! How naive. Sooooo wrong. 

I scanned myself inside trying to figure out which emotion was attached to this episode. I am not a big crier but every time I do cry I have an obsessive need to know why. There have been many tears that were attached to the church before usually accompanied by feelings like anger, betrayal, or frustrations with family. These tears were none of those things.

These tears, that came three years later than expected, were the tears of loss. These were tears not because of the church. These tears were for the church. Sadness for a loss.

If I had cried these tears three years ago I would have swiftly felt ashamed with myself. Admitting that I lost something in leaving would have felt like self-defeat or self-betrayal. After all, in leaving I had felt like I had won "me" and I did. I would have felt like tears of loss would be proving "them" right in some way. Affirming their faith in something that I knew was false.

Maybe this sense of loss came because this was the first time I was in the right state mind for them. I am far enough out now that recognizing loss no longer feels like excusing all of the evils of the church or being swallowed up in it all again. Admitting loss no longer translates to being wrong. 

Not to over complicate an emotional episode that was not complicated at all I will just give myself permission to say I lost some good things when I left the church. Letting myself feel that loss is ok. It is a very healing feeling/realization to come to. I feel strangely empowered right now.