Yep, I went to church today (I should clarify, not dressed like Lara Croft)… I woke up this morning and really did not want to go. If it weren’t for the reoccurring “trapped on BYU campus” dreams I would not have even entertained the thought. Earlier in the week when I made the decision to attend church a few times and wrote my Lara Croft vs. Porter Rockwell post the dreams stopped. I should mention at this point that I have long suffered from chronic insomnia so sleep is precious and I don’t want to spend it wandering around BYU campus if I can avoid it.
I pulled up to the meetinghouse really and truly wondered what it was that my subconscious felt was so important that it should torment me with these dreams. What had I lost in leaving? What am I looking for?
Attending today did not answer my questions. I’m not honestly sure that attending is going to help me find my answers either…
I did actually enjoy the meetings and found myself smiling from time to time at things that were said or as I chatted with people. (They are studying the Book of Mormon in Sunday School this year so enjoying the meetings meant ignoring the ridiculously simplified history and tearful truth claims that were made. “Truth”, after all had nothing to do with my objectives for being there today anyway.)
The members were really nice and friendly, but seemed totally confused by me and I was not making it easy on them. As they asked questions about where I lived and what I was doing there they were not content with my short responses that I was just visiting and wouldn't provide my last name. It’s a bit sad, but the simple organization of the church just does not allow for people to wander in and anonymously attend. I predict I could really only go one more time without getting cornered by leadership and more information being demanded…
Anyway… Church was remarkably the same as it has always been. Big thumbs up to the correlation committee! The lessons, the building, the pictures on the wall, the rituals, the songs, even the people all felt like every other ward I’ve ever been to. They have manufactured a church that is remarkably “consistent” in feel and culture. I got the trademarked “Mormon” experience today.
I attended one meeting earlier this year and left feeling that my sense of "self" was threatened, or that simple attendance at church required conformity. I did not feel that today. "I" or my sense of "self" is now strong enough that “I” did not feel threatened by any of the words said at any point today or by the culture.
Also, in the past I would leave church feeling angry and drained and that did not happen either. In fact today might be the first time that I can actually use the word “enjoyed” in reference to attending Mo-church without going back to my primary days. That seems sooooo strange. Church was more enjoyable for me today as a resigned, apostate, and totally non-believing non-member than it ever was for me when I believed…
Maybe that is all that I really needed to see and feel. Church has not changed but I have. Attendance today served to let me see how much I have grown. I feel a bit less angry and less angsty too. I still have a lot to think about.
The correlation thing blows my mind. So much of what you write about is exactly like my experiences in evangelical Christianity, but correlation is very distinctly LDS. I have no point, I guess, but that's just really interesting to me. Creepy, maybe, but interesting.
ReplyDeleteGlad you didn't have a traumatic morning at church. :)
In some ways it makes sense to correlate things, especially since it is a lay-leadership. No one has degrees or religious training... It certainly ensures that everyone is getting the same information, but it is so boring in some ways.
ReplyDeleteThe church, its history, its teachings, its various groups and apostate groups are all so interesting. You would not know it though from going to the actual meetings...
The more I think about this, the more I realize that churches that I've had experience with really are from a cookie-cutter in many ways, but I guess it's not as official or enforced.
ReplyDeleteI just got off the phone with a Christian woman I hadn't spoken to in ages, and my head is spinning. It's really hard to have a normal conversation without having to defend my gay friends and whatnot. I kept thinking, "Cookie-cutter thoughts and beliefs..."
Yep. I think a lot of churches trend that way or they are all similar enough that you are likely to hear to same ideas in multiple denominations.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting.
ReplyDeleteI found myself also feeling very confident when I attended church with my family on Christmas. I use to go and fret the time of passing of the sacrament, because I felt like all eyes would be on me, since it was the ward I was in back in high school. However this time, I was very confident in not taking the bread and water.
I think that what you are doing is fabulous: you are making peace with your past. You aren't running from it, being angry with it: you are just accepting what it is and letting go of the negativity. You were able to recognize the cookie-cutter mold of it all (Michelle: I just now saw that you wrote the same term!), which can be comforting and bring back memories of when it was comfortable. We should never have to defend who or what we are. Sometimes, I think that if we just leave it as "I don't see things that way", "I prefer to not answer that question"> they are the one's left with their issues of needing to control who they think we should be. We have the right to answer in a way that is comfortable with us.
ReplyDeleteI think that we all may have dreams about places/people/issues that we haven't completely accepted or come to terms with, but then again, dreams can be random.
Peace to you Sulli and you courageously advance towards heightened understanding and fulfillment.
@Inside - I'm glad to hear that! I don't know what it would be like now to walk into a ward where people actually knew me. I think it would be harder to go since they only knew the old, closeted, unhappy me... It would have been less comfortable for sure... (In fact both times I've gone this year I have gone out of my way to NOT go to the ward that I resigned from down here. Not that anyone knew me though... So not sure why I did that...) Very brave of you.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think has sparked this confidence in you?
@Libellule - I always appreciate your comments. I get such a "zen" feeling from your words almost every single time.
I really liked what you said about how we should never have to defend who we are to someone else. I had never thought of that before and yet I for one always feel the need to justify my actions to myself and to others... Really not necessary...
Kudos on your experience! I have not been able to return to church in a long time. I am just not prepared to deal with the anger that is often the result for me. I am content to never go back, but I am afraid that possibility might be too painful for my wife and children. I have realized, however, that much of this feeling may be of my own creation. Sometimes the mind fuck just sucks. I also liked your observation that these beliefs are not chosen, but handed to us. I'm still not sure if I will be able to, in some degree, support the church by attending again. Then again, I do realize things change with time. I enjoyed this post since it seemed to put to words what I have been thinking lately.
ReplyDelete@Facsimilogos - I hear you. In the last three years I've probably attended less than ten times total... The three years at BYU I was going about once a month... I really haven't regularly attended now since the mission... Was super content not ever attending again, but those dreams were killing me... I have not had one since.
ReplyDeleteYou do get past the mind fuck. You do get over it. I'm still in the process.
This is so awesome. I remember the last time you went and wrote about it because I had just found your blog. It is amazing how time and being able to process through things changes your perspective. Hurrah!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree! Amazing how things shift so slowly overtime that we don't even really realize that we have progressed or changed as much as we have.
ReplyDelete