Talking to people that literally believe IV: "Your happiness is not real happiness..."

I was rereading a few old, old posts this week and spent some time chatting with one of my good friends who happens to still be in the church. The rereading and the conversation made me realize that some major themes of my life have been learning to push at  “the comfort zone” and “coming out of the shell”…  These things have surfaced repeatedly over the last few years.

Recently, I’ve noticed though that overcoming fears and taking the plunge to try new things has gotten a lot easier. Fear itself is less daunting and less controlling than it used to be in some ways. Part of that is because I’ve learned that on the other side of fear is often serious growth and learning, and in some cases serious bruises. (But aren’t bruises both real and symbolic lessons of their own?)

I’ve been examining why overcoming fears has become less daunting and I have come up with these few reasons:

• I have given myself the gift of really examining what I want, examining why I want it and then I let myself focus on it and plan out how to get it… When I say things I want it really does not equate with a kid and a Christmas list. The “wanting” has to do with goals, connections with others, dreams and growth. I think we often feel unworthy of the good things that we want, but really and truly those things are often there for us if we are willing to take the steps to seize them.
• Overcoming fears and being able to view what I judge to be progress and growth have become things that really induce highs for me. Adrenaline junkies that jump from planes and bungee jump often describe such highs… I get that from talking to strangers, going on dates, working towards goals, and ultimately realizing that to a great extent I can shape the life I want… It is scary, liberating and addicting. Through repeating the process of jumping over the edge I realize that I am not going to fall indefinitely down.

Having torn down so many other walls the only wall that seems to be left most of the time is fear, and if fear is all that stands between me and the wonderful things that one can experience and achieve in life than it is silly to not push through it. It is silly to let fear steal my life from me.

These were some of the thoughts I expressed to my friend when she commented on my happiness and my newfound thrill at embracing the unknown. Her response to such thoughts disturbed me a little bit. She said that it sounded like I was living the idea of “eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”.

While it seemed like a strange response and I have a hard time seeing it, she is not the first of my believing friends to say such things. I wonder if they truly wish that I return to such pointless life goals and resolutions like: No more swearing. No rated R movies. Pray everyday. Such goals do not fill me with excitement for life, growth or really lead to a lot of meaning…

As I thought about her comment I realized that her definition "goals" and “meaningful actions" were ultimately things that led to “right”, and obedience. In other words time should be spent or focused more on the things she felt brought salvation… 

I asked her how she and I should account for my new found happiness then? If I were living the “eat, drink and be merry” lifestyle then how did that account for no longer being depressed and finding actual joy? Her response was “wickedness never was happiness”… She did not mean to call me “wicked” per se but rather “disobedient”. She said ultimately that my happiness was not real and not lasting…That did not seem to totally sit right with her so after a few minutes she concluded that my happiness might be real because I was no longer accountable for higher laws and covenants that I had made as a member and was now released from through giving up membership in the church.

Such conversations serve as mirrors in some ways. Listening to her talk was like hearing the old me… The whole conversation reminded me of my box drawing. She is in that damn box and therefore has to interpret things based on the cardboard walls around her… I am talking to her from outside. I hope that one day she dares to overcome fear and peer over the edge. It breaks my heart. It really breaks my heart.