Tom Cruise, Katie and Suri are all in town and have been for awhile. They are gracing the fair city of Baton Rouge with their presence for some film Mr. Cruise is working on.
Leigh’s mom had called fairly excited about her own close encounter with the Cruise fam. A few Facebook friends here in BR have spotted them in places such as Whole Foods, and a few local restaurants. Everyone is fairly excited by it…
I don’t get star struck. Not really, but the Cruise family is interesting to me for several reasons.
3. Scientology seems like a really
fucked upinteresting “religion”… As an ex-mo it makes me feel better knowing that there are religions that are more extreme and cultish than Mormonism… It makes me feel better… So the Cruise Fam is interesting simply because of their religion.
2. Katie is hot. I hated Dawson’s Creek, but when my sister turned it on I would stay in the room just to gawk at Katie…
1. Tom Cruise was the object of a crush that I manufactured for years and years. (This is the really the point of this blog post…)
Back in junior high I noticed my friends crushing on boys and celebrities. One of my friends was a huge Garth Brooks fan. She had posters of Garth covering her walls. She had every album he put out. If a Garth Brooks song came on the radio the first five notes of the song were followed by her squeal of delight. That squeal of delight could be heard throughout the day as we walked up the hallway at school. See Garth Brooks was not the only thing that caused that squeal… Any man’s ass in Wranglers was rewarded with that girly sound… She squealed a lot… Though most girls did not squeal it was apparent that they also reacted to boys in similar ways to this particular Garth-lovin’ friend of mine.
The “squeal factor” was really a big clue for me. I did not have any super-strong sexual attractions or crushes on any particular woman to tell me that I was a big dyke. Nope… Really it was my lack of the squealing o sea my lack of attraction to guys that clued me in to a possible difference between me and my friends.
I have always been project driven/goal oriented. (I blame it on my dad. He is the same way. He taught me his productive/success driven ways…) Developing crushes became a project.
I viewed my lack of attraction/crushes on guys as being a problem that I could solve. I did not even consider seriously the possibility that I might be gay… After all I did not seem like I was attracted to women and I certainly did not identify with any of the stereotypes that people associated with the word “lesbian”. Lack of crushes = problem to solve…
I actively began to develop a “crush” on Tom Cruise. I watched every Tom Cruise movie that was not rated R (and some that were). I have seen Mission Impossible probably 50 times. I casually tracked him on the internet, made him the object of any sort of sexual fantasy I allowed myself to have, and worked on trying to feel something for him… I have to be honest it did not work very well, though not by any lack of effort on my part. You just can’t help who you are attracted to… (Though to be honest, for lack of a better word I feel pretty damn blessed to be attracted to the woman that I love.)
I laughed a little bit as Leigh told her mom about my efforts to be straight through crushing on Mr. Cruise. Though Leigh was on her cell phone I could sort of hear her mom say something about it being “cute”. I laughed. I wondered if other lesbians had ever tried to do the same thing before. Manufacture attraction. Create a crush.
Going out with Leigh I have started to notice that I do in fact possess the ability to squeal in the same way that my friend in junior high and high school did about Garth Brooks. I just tend to squeal a little bit (usually inwardly) when I hear my phone alert me that I have a text and I know it is from Leigh or when I am five minutes from her house and know I am about to see her or when I feel her lips pressed against my lips, face, or neck… Yep I squeal… Just not for Tom Cruise and not for any other boy… I squeal for my girl. I now realize that’s ok.
I might have to carry a picture of Mr. Cruise around for the next few weeks... Just in case I run into him at Whole Foods... I would have him sign it, "Sorry I don't make you squeal. Love, Tommy." I am a lesbian damn it! AND proud!