Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It no longer hurts

I’m turning into an awful blogger. It is May 8th and I have only one post prior to this one this month… It seems that long gone are the days where I posted nearly daily... I blame several other things for my lack of printed words.

The end of the school year is proving to be rather hectic. I am in the middle of trying to get paper work and tests done to start my masters program in June. I am choosing to spend a lot of my spare time with Leigh rather than the online world. (Sorry internet. Leigh is way hotter and more interesting than you… )

When I first started blogging I spent several hours a week reading other people’s blogs and commenting on the things that they wrote. It was amazing to reach out and connect with other Mormons who were gay, or other Mormons who did not believe, or other Mormons who like me were not really Mormons at all anymore and were grappling with the ramifications of not being part of the church…

Many of those former bloggers would fade away. They would disappear, posting less and less until they had all but quit blogging completely. Some blogs just disappeared. There one day and deleted the next with no explanation. Others would post “good-bye” posts where they would explain that they had moved on and were choosing not to blog anymore. I always wished that they had kept blogging. I wanted to see what happened after someone got over everything and was able to move on. What happened after Truman walked through the door at the edge of the world with the exit sign next to it? I always felt that what happened after getting over it all might be more important than what brought them to that point of moving on in the first place... 

I look back now and find all of the stages of transition are so interesting. You don’t even always realize where you are at in “getting over” the church until you have moved on a bit and can step back. I feel like I am at a point where I could choose to engage with the church like it is a hobby. I could continue to examine it and blog about it and pick at it, but I feel real tangible things in my life tugging at me and pulling my thoughts other places. My bike is more interesting. My students are more important. As I said earlier Leigh is way more engaging and attractive than digging into the past.

Leigh and I spent some time on the beach this weekend reading Alison Bechdal’s new book, “Are You My Mother?” In that book Bechdal quotes Virginia Woolf. Woolf is talking about the days and weeks where there are gaps in her journals and laments the loss of those thoughts and events. I feel that too. I feel actual guilt over not recording things on this blog lately. 

I have always been a journal keeper, an autobiographer of my internal world and views of this life here... This is what I do. I write. I have stacks of journals on my shelves. This blog replaced my journals and yet this blog no longer feels like a space where I can write…

What stops me from writing here lately is that my life no longer seems to fit with the themes I have written about here for sooo long. I am no longer Mormon and that Mormon past no longer really “hurts”. It no longer demands my attention.Transition is occurring. Yet, I want to be that blogger that shows what happens after you walk through that exit door. I want to show what happens after you get over the faith crisis. I don't want to stop blogging but something has to shift. 

Over the next few days and weeks the blog is going to get a redesign, a new description, and the focus is going to change…  I am trying to decide right now if I should just start a new blog completely or if I should just continue to use this space… 

11 comments:

  1. :)
    (The emoticon if understanding.)

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    1. LOL. Not sure what I meant exactly myself... I must keep writing, but the topics have to change!

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  2. Perhaps if you switch to another topic, you'll eventually get to a point where you can better understand and write about what's on the other side of Truman's door. Sometimes, all we need is time and a little space.

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  3. I would say continue to use this space, but only because I personally find it so annoying to have to update my RSS feeds.

    ...not that I'm saying I believe every blogger should cater to my every whim, BUT....

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  4. My vote is to keep the same blog. That way your story from the other side of the door won't look like it just somehow happened. It is good that you are no longer hurting from you past, but i thin you still know that it has defined you. like a continuous story?
    But that is just my thought.

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  5. I say keep the same blog so people can see the whole story of you (assuming you want them to.)

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  6. OMG, as fascinating as it was to watch Truman walk out that door (and I was in tears---can you say drama?!?!) I always wanted to know what happened after.

    Maybe that's why I decided to keep blogging, although to be frank, I'm not as consistent and things are not as high drama as they were back in my "public loneliness" days, I've come a long ways--I too want to write about the dinner we had with the ladies of the Lesbian church we used to attend, or how proud my kid was when because of his being an employee at Panda Express they gave us a 20% discount on lunch, or how Jeff and I are busy planning moving in together... There's lots going on and I want to share, but life in itself is busy and the old dusty blog gets neglected.

    I'd say re-design but keep the same blog, years from now you'll see where you were and how you transitioned. Love you chica!
    Hugs,Miguel

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  7. You saw my blog change. And then I moved to a different blog, but for completely un-religion related reasons.

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  8. We are in the same boat. You expressed my feelings and thoughts about my blog pretty well. My posts have become few and far between. I just don't know if the readers that started following my blog initially would be interested in anything I have to say anymore. I almost feel as if I have to reach into the past to be relevant to readers.

    In many ways it is still a great way for me to process my thoughts... but it used to be much more therapeutic. It helped me deal with things. But I am much more at peace with my life now.

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    1. I really am missing your blog; I was enriched with your fight, your feelings and your victories. I really appreciate you. I hope you have found a pond of peace and love.
      With my best wishes
      Armando

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  9. Keep using this space. Redesign all you want, but I think it's important to keep your story in the same place.

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