I just did a quick glance over my recent blog post list… It seems like I have relationships on my mind a lot lately. It is a good preoccupation especially since I have spent a great deal of time in the past actively NOT thinking about relationships. I might not have been admitting it to myself but I knew I was gay and I knew marriage in the true Mormon prescribed fashion was out for me.
I spent years mentally preparing myself for a life of solitude. I had even decided that I was going to adopt a kid on my own by 35 and mentioned it to my mom on several occasions. That was back in my believing days and I knew that the kid could not be sealed to my forever/eternal family in the Mo-temple to me as a single woman, but I had told my mom I wanted my kid sealed to her and Dad. (I did not even remember this until I was cleaning and organizing and read through an old journal.)
Now out of the church and out of the closet I still hesitated for over two years to seriously jump into any sort of real relationship. December rolled around and I made that list that the tarot card reader had prescribed and I now find myself in an incredibly great relationship wondering why I waited to get over my fears for so long.
I don’t actually wonder why I waited so long… I feel like I am tattling on other people when I say this but I really did not have very many/any examples of a good and healthy relationship in the past… I hesitated because I was just not sure that being in a relationship, especially if it was going to look like the ones I had witnessed before, was better than being single. Not that single was bad. In fact in some ways me being the introvert that I am single is easier. There is less fear, risk, and anxiety when not in a relationship… Yet here I am watching this relationship unfold and I am amazed.
Leigh and I are doing things way differently. This is not like relationships I watched growing up. Maybe that is partly because I never saw a lesbian relationship. I also never saw a non-Mormon relationship, at least not up close. I’m not convinced that those two things really account for the differences.
The more that I look at relationships in my past I see two things that make mine and Leigh's relationship fundamentally different from the others. ("One of these things is not like the others...") First, we approach this relationship as being a choice, a choice that we make every day. Second we communicate openly, honestly, and regularly. Communication seems self-explanatory to me, but choosing the relationship may not be. Let me explain.
Choosing - Neither of us prescribes to things like “meant to be”, “soul mates”, “other halves”, “fate” or any of that other stuff… To quote myself from mine and Leigh’s private blog, “…I find nothing romantic in the idea that two people are forced together or compelled to be together through no choice of their own. I just find the whole concept of ‘choosing’ to be in a relationship to be very empowering.” This approach does not mean that we are not head over heels and passionate about each other. In fact I think the idea that someone else chose me rather than was compelled by some outside force to be with me is incredibly romantic.
We are two whole and independent people who come together because we choose to; we want to, we love each other. To steal all of the words that Leigh uses to describe us we are a team, copilots, companions, and partners.
Things are good… So far choosing the relationship and communicating seem to be preventing my fears from coming true. So far I have not fucked this up as I was so afraid I would. In fact I am crazy about her and it just seems to keep getting stronger…