We Were Going To Be Queens

That coming out process... It just keeps going...

2012-01-29T13:45:00.000-06:00

The church falling apart provided space for me to come out to myself. Almost in the same breath the two revelations came back to back. “The church is not true.” Half a second later, “I think I’m gay.” It was amazing how quickly one followed the other though really they are two separate and two big things. Though, from this blog you would not always know it, but I did not leave the church over homosexuality. I left over truth issues. My outrage at how LGBT people are treated and what they are taught to believe about themselves came second only after I had already left the church.

Over the last 2 1/2 - 3 years I have worked through the issues of dropping belief and coming out of the closet simultaneously. I have said it before, but coming out of the closet is NOT an event. Coming out of the closet is a process. It is a process that I don’t think I have spent enough time on.To be brutally honest with myself the faith and belief issues have always come first.

Yesterday, my overreaction to the Cynthia Nixon quote shows me that I am still in the middle of this whole coming out process. As Jen put it in the comments of yesterday’s post that reaction jabbed at a place that still needs healing.

If I were as far along in the coming out process as I thought I was I would not have reacted to that quote in that way. The more that I interact with my various LGBT acquaintances and friends the more that I realize we all seem to struggle on one level or another with internalized homophobia, and fears of rejection. The lack of role-models and life-models is huge.

The girl I'm dating (needs a fake blog name at some point) recently took her new roommate out to some of the clubs. He is so much like many of us in the MoHo community. He is approaching 30 and is standing at the closet door, cracking it open just a little bit, still not out but gathering the courage to take those first steps. He described to me last night his reactions to walking into one of the flashier local gay bars in the area. He said it was an important moment because as soon as he walked in and saw this enormous multi-story club packed with people he realized for the first time that he was not all alone... I almost started crying, and refrained from giving him a huge hug. Listening to him talk though and the things that he said, I could see the internalized homophobia that I mentioned above. He will be fine, we all go through those early stages, but I had never seen it so up-close before.

One of the first things he asked me upon meeting me was if he looked gay... No he doesn't and he liked that answer. I remember those days, but I have swung the other way now. Rather than fearing that I look gay I kinda get mad when people assume I'm straight... I read this article about femme invisibility and I have NEVER considered myself to be femme but at the same time I don’t exactly look butch either. I find that how we look tends to be a huge part of working through the coming out process.

So many issues I would never have imagined in those initial moments of first uttering the words to myself, "I am gay." Yesterday, the reaction to that comment, talking to the girl I'm dating, and talking to her roommate were really good things. I realized that I need to really spend some time thinking about why I soooo seem to want my homosexuality to NOT be a choice... Why is that so threatening to think I may have chosen this at some point? I would not "choose" anything else because as Alan said in the comments of my last post, "I can't help myself but be gay, because it's so cool."

I have decided I’m not allowed to read any more books on churchy/atheist/belief things until I have read at least three books on queer theory and started to really think about those things a little bit more.

This was kind of a rambly, stream of consciousness post… Sorry, no tidy conclusion this time…

The word "choice"

2012-01-28T16:33:00.000-06:00

Homosexuality has been a hot topic for me this week… (I guess in reality it always is, but it was just emphasized this week for some reason.)

I went out to dinner with a friend last night. At dinner though she made a comment that caused me to seriously want to slam some walls back up… She was talking about her son and said, “He is getting good grades, has his head on straight, and he isn’t gay. I can’t complain.” I just kind of sat there as she continued to talk. I had come out to her at one point last year, but it had never been a big deal. It had never had to be a topic of conversation. Then this comment last night…

The comment could be taken in several ways...

I have met and spoken with enough LGBT people to know that both inside and outside of the church, almost no matter where you are, growing up gay is a challenge. The process of coming out to yourself and coming out to your family and friends is almost always difficult, there are often no life-models/role models for you in a very hetero world, and the laws and such are just not in place to let you live your life with the same benefits as many other people.

Parents often like to protect their kids from struggles… As I sat there thinking about her comment I imagined the movie Gattaca - people are basically sort of genetically manufactured. In a world like that where parents could pick their children's traits I wondered if homosexuality would trend towards being eradicated like an unwanted disease or lesser condition than heterosexuality... The world would lose so much if that happened.

Then the Cynthia Nixon thing this week where she said that for her being gay is a choice. Uhm, yeah… The comment ticked me off, but I am currently pondering upon it a bit more... Let me put a quote in here…

I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.

I found myself yelling at the computer screen, “You’re bi BITCH!!!” A bit over reactive and hyper-sensitive Kiley?! Yep… I just find it strange to say that just because she chose to be in a relationship with another woman that made her "gay" instead of "bi". To me that would be the equivalent of gay people marrying into heterosexual relationships and calling themselves "straight". I realize I am being judgy and snarky... I'm sorry...

In all honesty I have talked to a lot of gay people and I have personally NEVER met one that said they tried both and chose to be gay… I have of course not made a study of it or talked to ALL gay people on the planet... I think my gut reaction to her words at best was outrage at the seemingly lack of sensitivity. Lots of us have had significant struggles with coming to terms with ourselves and figuring out who we are. Just my over-reaction to the statement is something I might need to explore more.

Why is it such a big deal to me that being gay was not a choice? Certainly, if I knew how life would turn out now and were sent back to do it over again I wouldn’t change anything. I like who I am and life is pretty great. The cost of getting to “great” was so high and the road was really long…

In some ways her attitude that it can be chosen is a bit empowering. Maybe I am looking at it the wrong way. Maybe if more of us had that attitude we would struggle less and embrace ourselves more...

Other related posts:

TGD - The Gay Dot
Dad's Primal Scream

Other relevant post:
Brad on gender

Doubts... I still have them (though they are not that strong)

2012-01-25T12:09:00.000-06:00

I came home from the Mormon Stories Conference and woke up sick the next morning… Not cool. Being the overachiever that I am I still went to school on Monday but got sent home sick on Tuesday. I am feeling better today, mostly, but I don’t have a voice and since I’m a Spanish teacher and I have to actually talk to the kids that just didn’t work out so well… So, not feeling 100% but well enough to be bored…

The girl I am sort of dating sent me a list of recommended movies so I have been on a Jodie Foster kick… Totally recommend Little Man Tate, The Accused, and The Brave One. All awesome movies. I always like Jodie Foster in Contact and Panic Room, but the crush has been renewed!

Also talked to a good friend on the phone for awhile and he said something that caught me totally off guard. He said to me, “Kiley if you end up going back to the church I know you’ll be ok.” It was such a strange statement to make. I have no intention of going back to the church… Yet people do it all the time and I’ve spoken to many of them at length about their choices to return to the fold…

My friend predicts that if I returned it would be to sit on a bench at church with my girlfriend and our adopted children as a gay atheist attending sans belief… I’m not saying that it wouldn’t happen, but I don’t see it. The conversation made me wonder what about me or my actions would make him think such a thing…

In trying to embrace my heritage it has been about being at peace with myself. I can’t divorce myself from the past, but it does not have to be my future… As a good friend said at the Mormon Stories Conference, despite the pain, and anger that I feel for the church, if I am being honest with myself I still love it too… Sometimes I HATE that love when I look at the problems with the church. I would never knowingly involve myself in a organization that does the things that it does, but I am involved because it was my whole life for a long long time.

Damn Stockholm Syndrome I'm sure...

Things like the Fred Karger letter written to our friend Mitch Mayne this week remind me of the bad in the organization. Memory refreshed by Mr. Karger’s letter. Prop 8. A bunch of lies. Happening again in Minnesota to one degree or another right now. The church is arguably one of the most anti-gay organizations on the planet. Heritage or not it is not a good place for me to be. I still don’t think it’s a good place for any gay person. (Generalizations much Kiley...)

Doubt is still there of course. Despite a heap of evidence that the church is not what it claims the irrational question of, “What if I’m wrong?” creeps in once in awhile. It is fleeting and driven by past emotion, but it comes up and has to be dealt with. That question is a testament to how powerful belief is. That despite knowing something in your head logically and by use of reason you can still try to bend reality around some random idea or belief and try to make things fit. Despite reason, evidence and logic feelings can make you doubt.

Continuing to have doubts about the validity of the church is just part of getting past this stuff. I think lots of people probably continue to ask themselves that question too no matter how many books they’ve read and how much they have uncovered about the church… “What if I’m wrong?”

Each time I investigate that question - the idea that I might be wrong about the church - I find new answers... Each trip to the chapel confirms that I really don't buy any of it. Every read of the Book of Mormon or view of General Conference just shows that I have let go more than I think I have... A little bit more an outsider every single time.

It is good to continue to constantly review and question the evidence. Being driven by questions rather than certainty is a good way to live. You leave doors open to grow and change and become more sure of your footing.

Mormon Stories works better than the church...

2012-01-23T18:14:00.000-06:00

The Mormon Stories Houston Conference was incredible. I think I might have even liked Houston better than the Salt Lake Conference this last summer. I vowed after I went to the Salt Lake Conference that I would never go to a conference again, but I’m glad I forgot that vow and made the trek from Baton Rouge to Houston.

I met a lot of the Houston MoHos and even got to stay over at Evan and Bryan’s house. (Bryan has a kick-ass aquarium with some really cool aggressive fish!)
I also got to meet Andrew and though we did not have a lot of time together we had a few awesome conversations. It made me smile as we sat side by side in the meeting scribbling our notes down. I look forward to reading what he thinks about the conference.
Hanging out in Houston even included a group of us singing at the top of our lungs while a fellow MoHo played Book of Mormon Musical songs on his piano.
I met a mom who took 20 years coming around to understand her gay daughters. It made me feel like a jerk for giving up on my family so easily… Even if it takes years it is worth it.

As several others at the conference pointed out, it is rare to walk into a room anywhere and be able to make deep connections with an entire group of people. I felt so much love, understanding and friendship at the conference. It really showed me what church could and should be like… I’m pretty sure that if church felt as warm, accepting and inviting as a Mormon Stories Conference almost no one would leave…

Over the last few days I have found myself questioning why church is not more like a Mormon Stories Conference? Why is there not this feeling of love and acceptance? Why is there not always a strong feeling of understanding and respect?

A lot of it has to do with the focus and purpose behind the two organizations.

Someone at one point commented on the diversity of the group attending the conference. There were TBMs. There were people like me that had resigned and there was every single step in between. Some go to church every Sunday and some have not been in years and yet there we were altogether.

The comment on diversity hit me pretty hard. I thought to myself, “No, this same diversity exists in the church itself. We are all from the church itself. It is just underground and hidden from sight.” Differences at the Conference were celebrated. Differences at church usually aren’t.

When I think such thoughts my little agnostic gay self thinks that not only could I benefit from finding a way to embrace my heritage, but other people would too. As John Dehlin pointed out, the moment that one stands up and shows their unorthodox colors it makes a safe space for others to be less orthodox too.

I think another huge gap between church and Mormon Stories is that the focus at Mormon Stories is not on “true” and “right” but rather on “good” and “valuable”. It is all about embracing the good parts of our Mormon heritage. It is about choosing the ground upon which we will engage with Mormonism.

That shift in focus really makes all of the difference.

Mo-Stories Houston - YAY!!!

2012-01-20T16:45:00.000-06:00

I am about an hour away from attending the first part of the Mormon Stories Conference in Houston this weekend. (I attended another one this last summer in SLC.) After getting to Houston I took refuge in one of my favorite places (Starbucks) to take a breather after the drive. I get crazy nervous before meeting new people. I guess though, really Mo-Stories people are not “new” people – I have connected with many of them over the internet before or at least seen their names. The nerves don’t really make sense. I have a lot of positive experiences attending things like Mormon Stories Conferences or ex-Mo events. There is power in sharing out stories with each other.

Despite loving connecting with others from similar backgrounds, I do however have mixed feelings about these gatherings and I am not entirely sure why. Sometimes I think engaging in such things probably holds me back a little bit, opens up old wounds… Yet I can’t seem to abstain from Mormonism either. I have to on some level choose how I will engage with it. So I can either connect with others from the “apostate” community or I can sit on my own and read books about Mormonism, but somehow I still need Mormonism for some strange reason. (Though I have to say the characteristics of my Mormon-need have changed a lot over the years…)

I attended Mo-Church twice in the last few weeks and I’ve decided that I just could NEVER be a church-going Mo again. It’s not even about it not being “true”, being repressive to women, or that it persecutes gays though those things are all huge reasons. It is mostly about the meetings being boring, uninteresting and full of half-truths… Good news is that the reoccurring dreams that drove me to check out meetings again have stopped so perhaps I can quit torturing myself…

Getting way excited to go hang out with fellow apostates in all their varying levels of unorthodoxy!

My new mantra seems to be "don't eff this up Kiley"...

2012-01-18T22:41:00.000-06:00

So I’m starting to date this really awesome girl… We’ve gone out multiple times now and had a great time every time and each time ends with plans to do more things... After going out about the fourth or fifth time I started to realize that I was crushing on her a little bit. (I have learned to move slowly over the last few months.) She is starting to creep into my thoughts more and more. We are at that early stage where we are seeing each other every time we can but still a bit nervous about saying that that is what is happening.

This juncture, this early stage, is the point where I would normally get scared, do something to sabotage things on purpose and bail but she is so chill and so patient and so kind that I don’t want to do that. Rather than pulling my normal antics and jumping ship I find myself inclined to take deep breaths, ignore the fear, and have the guts to stick around see what happens.

It is toooooo early to define things, but sufficeth to say I don’t want to fuck things up this time or at least not on purpose… This girl is awesome, thoughtful, smart, interesting, engaging, funny, awkward, wonderful... I need to not mess this up… This is the year of doing and not over-thinking (or at least that is the objective).

Talking to people that literally believe IV: "Your happiness is not real happiness..."

2012-01-16T16:37:00.000-06:00

I was rereading a few old, old posts this week and spent some time chatting with one of my good friends who happens to still be in the church. The rereading and the conversation made me realize that some major themes of my life have been learning to push at “the comfort zone” and “coming out of the shell”… These things have surfaced repeatedly over the last few years.

Recently, I’ve noticed though that overcoming fears and taking the plunge to try new things has gotten a lot easier. Fear itself is less daunting and less controlling than it used to be in some ways. Part of that is because I’ve learned that on the other side of fear is often serious growth and learning, and in some cases serious bruises. (But aren’t bruises both real and symbolic lessons of their own?)

I’ve been examining why overcoming fears has become less daunting and I have come up with these few reasons:

I have given myself the gift of really examining what I want, examining why I want it and then I let myself focus on it and plan out how to get it… When I say things I want it really does not equate with a kid and a Christmas list. The “wanting” has to do with goals, connections with others, dreams and growth. I think we often feel unworthy of the good things that we want, but really and truly those things are often there for us if we are willing to take the steps to seize them.
Overcoming fears and being able to view what I judge to be progress and growth have become things that really induce highs for me. Adrenaline junkies that jump from planes and bungee jump often describe such highs… I get that from talking to strangers, going on dates, working towards goals, and ultimately realizing that to a great extent I can shape the life I want… It is scary, liberating and addicting. Through repeating the process of jumping over the edge I realize that I am not going to fall indefinitely down.

Having torn down so many other walls the only wall that seems to be left most of the time is fear, and if fear is all that stands between me and the wonderful things that one can experience and achieve in life than it is silly to not push through it. It is silly to let fear steal my life from me.

These were some of the thoughts I expressed to my friend when she commented on my happiness and my newfound thrill at embracing the unknown. Her response to such thoughts disturbed me a little bit. She said that it sounded like I was living the idea of “eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”.

While it seemed like a strange response and I have a hard time seeing it, she is not the first of my believing friends to say such things. I wonder if they truly wish that I return to such pointless life goals and resolutions like: No more swearing. No rated R movies. Pray everyday. Such goals do not fill me with excitement for life, growth or really lead to a lot of meaning…

As I thought about her comment I realized that her definition "goals" and “meaningful actions" were ultimately things that led to “right”, and obedience. In other words time should be spent or focused more on the things she felt brought salvation…

I asked her how she and I should account for my new found happiness then? If I were living the “eat, drink and be merry” lifestyle then how did that account for no longer being depressed and finding actual joy? Her response was “wickedness never was happiness”… She did not mean to call me “wicked” per se but rather “disobedient”. She said ultimately that my happiness was not real and not lasting…That did not seem to totally sit right with her so after a few minutes she concluded that my happiness might be real because I was no longer accountable for higher laws and covenants that I had made as a member and was now released from through giving up membership in the church.

Such conversations serve as mirrors in some ways. Listening to her talk was like hearing the old me… The whole conversation reminded me of my box drawing. She is in that damn box and therefore has to interpret things based on the cardboard walls around her… I am talking to her from outside. I hope that one day she dares to overcome fear and peer over the edge. It breaks my heart. It really breaks my heart.

More doing and more service

2012-01-14T14:31:00.001-06:00

I decided towards the end of last year that this was going to be my “Year of Doing”. Meaning that I spend a little bit less time just thinking and start getting out and doing more of the things that I want to be doing but that I have been making excuses about and weaseling my way out of. I’m by no means a shut-in who does not get out, but I do let a lot of good opportunities pass me by without taking advantage of them… NO MORE! My objective is positive action!

SO a step towards doing more today - I participated in a food drive with the local atheist and agnostic group here in Baton Rouge. They have actually formed a non-profit in the area here and do all kinds of good things for the community like food drives, school supply drives, and volunteer groups that go into schools to tutor kids and things.

This was an interesting experience mainly for the chance to view the wide range of people’s reactions to our little atheist group. Reactions ranged from inquiring about when we meet up to total disgust that we did not believe in God with a little bit of kind hearted proselytizing mixed in. Other than a few strange people everyone was super supportive and we collected over 1000 pounds of food in just four hours.

One man looked momentarily excited that we were doing a food drive and then when he saw that we were atheists he declared, “I will never cooperate with atheists!” I just smiled at him.
Another lady upon taking our paper looked over it and then swiftly crumbled it up and threw it back at me, “I believe in God and only give food to those that need it.” (Uhm…. We are giving it to the Food Bank…)
I loved this one lady who came by. She put a huge bag of cans in our box, smiled warmly and said, “I’ll be praying for you.” It warmed my heart!
On the other hand another lady put three big bags of food into the boxes and said, “You guys made my day. It is nice to see people other than church groups out doing these things.”
Not gonna lie - one of the highlights for me was getting hit on by two pretty hot and interesting lesbians at different points during the drive. They had all sorts of questions about when and where we meet up and one was pretty forward and asked directly if I was going to be there. (I am kind of oblivious to signals showing when people are interested in me. So I did not analyze the situations until they had past... One of the girls walked past two other people in my atheist group to specifically come up to me and ask her questions.... GAWD Kiley needs to get a clue...)
I also got this really cool flyer.

Not sure that scary Jesus here makes me want to believe but the man that handed it to us was really really nice.

My favorite part though was watching peoples’ faces as they put their bag or can into the box. We really do feel good when we are helping others. I think I need to seek out more opportunities do things like this. Sometimes I get so caught up in what is wrong with the world that I take no action to make it right. Little things matter.

Portraits from my faith crisis

2012-01-12T21:06:00.000-06:00

A few years ago a friend and I resolved to do a photo project that required us to snap a self-portrait every single day for a year. I did not totally follow through on the project, but as a result of the project I have developed the habit of taking a few portraits every few weeks.

The project actually started about the same time that my crisis of faith started. As I was looking over many of the pictures I was amazed by the changes in my appearance over the years. Lots of different hairstyles. Lots of hair colors. Lots of different looks. Maybe I was searching for how "I" felt comfortable.

I feel like my appearance now is a much more accurate representation of who I feel like I am. I am so much more comfortable in my own skin than I was a few years.

Has anyone else seen a drastic change in their appearance since leaving the church or since coming out of the closet?

Right before my mission... BEFORE the crisis of faith.

Right after BYU... Beginning of photo project. Jeez.. BYU stress made me fat...

Right when I quit wearing the Mo-Underwear

This does not even look like "me"...

Early last year I think...

Last April

Last summer

Novemberish...

Yesterday

Louisiana resident...

2012-01-10T22:22:00.000-06:00

I handed my Utah drivers license over to the smiling lady with the Louisiana drawl and did not realize that after linking my driving record up to the Louisiana system that she would not be giving it back to me. After entering the information into her computer system she stashed my Utah license away in a little box on her desk, the lid hanging open a little bit. I almost reached over to snatch it back and surprisingly felt my eyes well up. In a really steady voice I asked if she really had to keep the old one.

My facial expression must not have matched my tone of voice, or she saw the welling of tears because she smiled sympathetically and said, “Lots of people don’t realize that we have to keep them.” It made me feel a little better to hear that as she snapped the lid closed on the little box. I felt like I had just been robbed and was a bit shocked by the feeling.

I held it together until I walked out of the DMV and then sat in the car and cried for a few minutes. I’ve lived in Louisiana for 3 ½ years now. It is not that I don’t love this state. I’m not opposed to being a resident of Louisiana but it is just that the new Louisiana driver’s license means that I am no longer officially a Utah resident.

I have hung onto my Utah residency for as long as possible. My Utah driver’s license felt like one of my final, tangible, hold-in-my-hand connections. With it expiring today I had to forfeit it. We just don't always understand what we are hanging onto and today the tears really underscored how much I love Utah. I had forgotten or pushed it out of my mind. In some ways I think that my decision to not go home for the holidays was to push down or forget that love for that state...

The red sand and mountain peaks get in your blood. It is not time to return to Utah yet, but it is home and I will live there again at some point in the future.

31

2012-01-09T23:05:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow I turn 31… I’m freaking out a little bit. Why are birthdays such a big deal? It might be better for my mental health if they weren't…

I think for me personally the only reason that birthdays are so important is because I can judge my progress by the year… If I were still Mormon I would be devastated that I were Mormon, over 30 and not married with at least three kids yet…

At this point as a non-Mormon lesbian I am just devastated that I am about to be 31 and don’t have my shit figured out yet… What the hell do I want?! I don't know what I want... I guess the easiest answers are a girl that makes me crazy, a house with a garden and a job I love… That’s about it. I'm reaching that point where I just want to put down roots.

EDIT - My friend just reminded me that this Aimee Mann song existed... I'm not this sad about 31. Thank God...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVqBJ8DdsGA

Whole heart

2012-01-08T18:45:00.000-06:00

I went to my Unitarian Church today and during the sermon the reverend asked an important question. He said, “What was the last thing you did with your whole heart?” I sat there and obsessed over question for the rest of the meeting. Maybe obsessed is the wrong word, but the question consumed almost all of my attention. (I love the UU church for a few reasons but one of the biggest reasons is that this particular reverend always provides thoughts or questions that drive me to embrace life. Everything about his teachings is focused on pushing you to examine yourself, your approach to life, and to “follow your bliss”.)

I sat in the meeting mulling the question over and realized that I really don’t do things without my whole heart. If I bother to undertake something I tend to really commit myself to it. No half-assing things here usually…

When the reverend posed the question and elaborated on it he alluded to that idea that the only way to find happiness is do things with your whole heart. I agree with that to a point but to leave it at that is too simplistic.

Looking back at my life I can see that many of the things I have done with my whole heart have actually ended up bringing me some of the worst pain and most disappointment too. Sometimes those painful experiences have caused me to pull back and guard my heart a bit. Sometimes it has made me less likely to take risks…

“What was the last thing you did with your whole heart?” was not the only question that he asked today though. He challenged us to think about one obstacle in our lives right now that was preventing growth in this new year. Really, as I thought about it the whole heart thing and the obstacle thing for me are related. Over the last two years I have transformed my life in most areas. I have pushed at the edge of that comfort zone relentlessly in most ways, but almost not at all in others. I still say “no” to things that I need or opportunities that come along in some areas of my life.

Something else that has happened though over the last two years is that I have learned how to examine my own life and my own heart and not feel bad about needing time and space in some areas or in having to let go of some things really slowly. This process of living and becoming is not a race, its not even a competition at all. It is about listening to your heart... I can see growth, it is not like I have been wasting time, but it is time to stretch myself a little more.

It is time to start relentlessly pushing at the comfort zone in some of the areas I have neglected a little bit. My heart is calling me toward more growth and saying “yes” instead of “no” when something I need comes along. I need more "doing" and a bit less thinking this year.

TBMs, anti-Mormons and beliefs

2012-01-03T16:34:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I really laugh at how Google connects people to my blog. Most of the people that end up here are Mormon in one form or another. One particular search that cracks me up a bit is when people will search things like “anti-Mormon” or like today “anti-LDS blogs”. They end up on my blog because of a pretty unremarkable post that I titled “That’s right folks my blog is ‘anti-Mormon’lit”.

More often than not “anti-Mormon” is a cultural label that believing Mormons slap onto apostates, heretics or anyone that says anything critical of the church at all. Many of the people that end up getting labeled anti-Mormon really and truly aren't... Many blogs that would be considered "anti-Mormon" will NEVER show up on a google search because most people writing such things don't view themselves that way so the word "anti-Mormon" will not link to their blog.

I personally really hate the term anti-Mormon because whenever it has been applied to me it hurt and it did not fit. Just because I left the church does not mean that I hate it (most of the time). Just because I left the church does not mean that I don't see good and valuable things in the church. Yet that is what the term anti-Mormon seems to indicate...

One of the problems with religious belief in general, not just Mormon religious belief, is what Dawkins hits on in The God Delusion. Religious belief is not up for questioning. It is not something that you can comment on or talk about without someone getting upset. They often get upset even when you were not hostile or targeting people. Simply by targeting ideas or targeting beliefs and being critical of those, people assume that you are angry, “negative” or attacking them personally. Perceived personal attacks often elicit personal attacks in return. Thus discussing the religion in mixed groups of belief levels almost always results in someone feeling hurt.

I remember that mentality. When I believed anything negative said about the church felt like an attack on me myself. It happens because those beliefs become such a integral part of your idea of yourself. You are the church. The church is you. Saying something critical about the church felt like someone saying something critical about you. When I remember that I can feel a bit better about the actions and reactions of people on forums. (I also have to remind myself that often those that have left the church probably fuel those conversations too because after leaving belief behind we still retain a need sometimes to “set the record straight” and testify of our new found truths and ideas… We are all, both sides, a little overzealous at times and that is unfortunate.)

I sometimes feel that the ex/post/uncorrelated Mormon’s equivalent comeback when being confronted with the word “anti-Mormon” is to refer to someone as a TBM (true believing Mormon). I have used the phrase TBM for quite awhile and never thought anything of it. To me it expressed a person’s belief level, but over the months and years I have started to see that it could be an insulting word. People have pointed out that TBM seems to imply blind belief.

Much of the research I have very casually read seems to indicate that we don’t choose our beliefs. The most fervent believer did not choose to be that way. On the flip-side of that many an ex-Mormon describes their unbelief as being a "loss of belief" NOT as a deliberate action or goal, but more as a process of uncovering truths that drove their belief out. Belief in the Mo-world seem to be more of a result of what information you did or did not get or how well you fit into the prescribed Mormon mold. The mold is true if you fit it, if you don't fit it you end up searching a bit and often find a new mold...

Belief or lack thereof seems to more or less result from experiences and environment. Not to say that we can’t control those things to one degree or another. We choose what books we read. We choose to go or not go to church and all of those things are things that are going to expose us to things that influence our beliefs.

Some battles between TBM and anti-Mormons really just start to feel circular afterawhile and could really, no matter what the topic of discussion starts out being, comes down to an argument of "I believe" vs. "I don't believe". That is not really a discussion at all.

In some ways it is starting to seem strange to me to argue with each other especially if research shows that we don’t really directly control our own beliefs at all. Why the need to defend positions that we ultimately did not choose or did not earn? Most of us, our faith or lack thereof just sort of happened to us and we are left to deal with it and sort it out on our own.

I feel a need to embrace my Unitarian beliefs a little bit more and leave behind this TBM vs. anti-Mormon battle. I need to prioritize people over their beliefs (and over my beliefs) and try and see the good and positive in them as a person whether I agree with them or not. I lament that our brain likes labels so much. Often the moment we place a label on someone else or even when we label ourselves it means we have already decided a whole host of things about that person that may or may not be true... I don’t have to agree with their beliefs, but I should strive to understand and love the person.

Sunday report - Big thumbs up to the Correlation Committee

2012-01-01T17:29:00.000-06:00

Yep, I went to church today (I should clarify, not dressed like Lara Croft)… I woke up this morning and really did not want to go. If it weren’t for the reoccurring “trapped on BYU campus” dreams I would not have even entertained the thought. Earlier in the week when I made the decision to attend church a few times and wrote my Lara Croft vs. Porter Rockwell post the dreams stopped. I should mention at this point that I have long suffered from chronic insomnia so sleep is precious and I don’t want to spend it wandering around BYU campus if I can avoid it.

I pulled up to the meetinghouse really and truly wondered what it was that my subconscious felt was so important that it should torment me with these dreams. What had I lost in leaving? What am I looking for?

Attending today did not answer my questions. I’m not honestly sure that attending is going to help me find my answers either…

I did actually enjoy the meetings and found myself smiling from time to time at things that were said or as I chatted with people. (They are studying the Book of Mormon in Sunday School this year so enjoying the meetings meant ignoring the ridiculously simplified history and tearful truth claims that were made. “Truth”, after all had nothing to do with my objectives for being there today anyway.)

The members were really nice and friendly, but seemed totally confused by me and I was not making it easy on them. As they asked questions about where I lived and what I was doing there they were not content with my short responses that I was just visiting and wouldn't provide my last name. It’s a bit sad, but the simple organization of the church just does not allow for people to wander in and anonymously attend. I predict I could really only go one more time without getting cornered by leadership and more information being demanded…

Anyway… Church was remarkably the same as it has always been. Big thumbs up to the correlation committee! The lessons, the building, the pictures on the wall, the rituals, the songs, even the people all felt like every other ward I’ve ever been to. They have manufactured a church that is remarkably “consistent” in feel and culture. I got the trademarked “Mormon” experience today.

I attended one meeting earlier this year and left feeling that my sense of "self" was threatened, or that simple attendance at church required conformity. I did not feel that today. "I" or my sense of "self" is now strong enough that “I” did not feel threatened by any of the words said at any point today or by the culture.

Also, in the past I would leave church feeling angry and drained and that did not happen either. In fact today might be the first time that I can actually use the word “enjoyed” in reference to attending Mo-church without going back to my primary days. That seems sooooo strange. Church was more enjoyable for me today as a resigned, apostate, and totally non-believing non-member than it ever was for me when I believed…

Maybe that is all that I really needed to see and feel. Church has not changed but I have. Attendance today served to let me see how much I have grown. I feel a bit less angry and less angsty too. I still have a lot to think about.

Missionary Spanish and the origins of life

2011-12-31T14:27:00.000-06:00

I have not written a “from Barnes and Noble” post for awhile. I’ve gotten busy with other things and have not been frequenting the green and gold armchairs there quite as often.

Right now I am getting highly annoyed with a guy who is trying to impress a girl by reading Spanish poetry to her. If his horrible pronunciation weren’t enough to tip me off that he does not know what he is saying he just completely made up a very random translation to the poem… He is flat out lying to her…

I have two conflicting urges right now. I either need to stop him and correct his pronunciation and translation or I need to just get up and walk away. I don’t really want to be a jerk though and it looks like the girl is sort of buying it or at least she is not going to call him out on his lie…

The whole situation reminds me of what every return missionary who spoke a foreign language knows. Almost anything said in a foreign language sounds super impressive and downright magical to people who know nothing about the foreign language at all.

I still remember standing at the pulpit bearing my testimony in Spanish at my homecoming talk right after my mission knowing full well that my Spanish was total shit despite the hours and hours of practice and study that had gone into getting to the speaking level I was at. From the beaming smiles and enthralled faces of my various friends and family members you would have thought I had turned into a Spaniard while in Spain…

Of course again, to the untrained ear my mispronunciations, gringa accent, and grammar mistakes were invisible. Also invisible to most listeners were those hours of study and work to get to that level. So the listeners’ lack of knowledge of Spanish and lack of knowledge of my hours of work to learn the language both combined to make it seem completely and totally miraculous that I should be speaking another language. It had to be the gift of tongues!

Of course those that had more knowledge of the language and could comprehend the hours spent learning the language looked less enthralled. Their knowledge of the process and being able to hear my mistakes did not make my speaking of the Spanish unimpressive, but it did mean that they were less likely to jump to the conclusion of labeling it as “miraculous” or “the gift of tongues”.

I’m sitting here right now reading The Blind Watchmaker by Dawkins and find that I’ve viewed life a bit like people view missionary Spanish. I am learning that the origins and evolution of life on this planet is not “miraculous” nor as perfectly orchestrated as I had previously believed. In fact the whole process of evolution is pretty messy. In some ways it’s totally full of hits and misses as survival was won and lost by various forms of life against conditions and environment on this dear little planet.

We are here, we are alive, we are lucid and that is so precious and so impressive. Your genes won the right to be alive.

Knowing more about the process means that I am the person listening to that missionary bear testimony in broken Spanish and still love the result, but am much less inclined to jump to words like “design” and “miraculous” than before. Just because something is explainable and traceable does not mean it is less amazing. I am still enthralled and perhaps in many ways even more free to explore and examine than I was before since now that I know I "know" nothing I am more driven by questions than ever before...

(I should really thank this guy for pretending to speak Spanish and making me think back to my missionary Spanish. It really sparked an interesting chain of thought today... )

Revisiting President Hinckley's 6 b's talk

2011-12-29T23:21:00.000-06:00

Tonight I got my ears re-pierced. Four holes in my head restored. I rather reluctantly took my earrings out the night of November 12^th, 2000. I was riding with friends in the car on our way home from the Conference Center. We had just listened to President Hinckley deliver his now famous 6 be’s talk.Out came the earrings. Girls all over the car were slipping them into pockets and purses.

Until tonight I remembered almost nothing of the talk. (In honor of getting my piercings restored I reread the whole thing). No tattoos. No earrings for boys and only "one modest" pair for girls.

Those two new commandments were lumped into the "be clean" part of the talk which was targeting moral cleanliness. Earrings and tattoos were dirty just like porn, sex, drugs, and most of the media.

The talk sent a shockwave through my small part of the Mormon kingdom. Though Mr. Hinckley’s message almost immediately morphed from earrings = morally dirty to earrings = disobedient. Don't know which of those messages is worse to be honest.

Over the following weeks I remember leaders reinforcing Hinckley’s new commandments. One of my young women’s leaders shared her personal struggle with taking out her second immodest pair. She told us how she had felt an immediate flood of spirit upon being obedient to the Lord’s servant.

I still remember the bishop’s fervent thank-a-mony one fast and testimony meeting following the talk where he spoke about raising righteous children who were obedient to the prophet’s voice. He tearfully recounted how his son came home from the Conference Center and without a word went straight into the bathroom and promptly removed his earrings. He had not had to be asked by his parents or coaxed to do it. He immediately heeded the counsel of the prophet all on his own. As the bishop spoke the message seemed to morph again, "Parents! You are failing and raising disobedient and unrighteous children if you let them have tats and earrings."

Soon showing up at church with more than one pair of earrings almost automatically labeled you as “less-faithful”. The new stigma really hasn't changed over the years. A sure sign of apostasy still seems to be that damn second pair of earrings, or third, or definitely the fourth pair.

In rereading the talk tonight I’m sad that the main take away became earrings, tattoos and conformity.

Other parts of the talk were actually things that if applied could be inspiring and lifting. Some parts of the talk could actually make you a better person if cultivated, but the parts about developing gratitude, being true to yourself, and getting a good education seemed to have been almost totally lost. Part of the reason that such things seemed to disappear are probably because developing gratitude, being true to yourself, or getting more education are a bit ambiguous and not super straightforward things. Nor are those things necessarily visible and obvious.

Taking out a pair of earrings is pretty darn simple, socially reinforceable, and can easily be checked off the “righteousness check-list”.

Lara Croft vs. Porter Rockwell

2011-12-28T21:38:00.000-06:00

I am currently having visions of what a fight between Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, and Porter Rockwell would look like. These strange visions are providing a much needed reprieve from (though are still related to) more serious and less fun thoughts that I have been thinking this week.

The horrible BYU dreams that I mentioned last week have persisted off and on over the last several days. Besides seriously annoying me the dreams have also effectively given me writer's block and several projects have ground to halt including this blog that I love… Not being able to write for me is akin to not being able to breathe. I deal with my emotions and work out my thoughts through putting words down on the page or text on the screen. It is my way of making the intangible and un-see-able visible and real. Writer’s block = unsorted thoughts = me kinda falling apart. Damn dream!!!

I’ve concluded though that the dream is not all that complicated. I've left some vital piece or part of myself behind in leaving the church. I’m not sure what it is but it has to be recovered before I can move on.

So the plan… The plan right now is to go to church for awhile. A week, maybe two, maybe a month and see if I can figure out what is missing.

As I visualize this plan in my mind I’m having to make it feel or sound like a totally badass superhero mission thus the visions of a showdown between Croft and Rockwell. I picture me looking kind of Laura Croft-esk sneaking into the Relief Society room and snatching the “me piece” off of the fluffy pink table at the front of the room then stealthily exiting out the window just before a mob of Danites all looking like snarly Porter Rockwells enter to kick my ass. (Yep… I’m actually an adult and not some strange teenage boy with crazy comic book fantasies… )

Possible resolutions

2011-12-24T21:13:00.002-06:00

I’m already thinking about my New Year’s Resolutions but I get really excited about them. They seem like a joke to most people, but I actually usually work really hard to accomplish them. My resolutions become my actual goals for the year.

Here are a few things I am trying to choose from (I will probably choose three):

Learn Italian
Learn some form of dance
Do a few half marathons
Read all of the books on my shelf that are currently unread
Finish losing the rest of the weight I started losing this year
Start a new non-religious blog
See if I can finish my photography degree here in Louisiana
Write an e-book
Design a small house and make plans to built it
Quit dinking around and start my masters
Start teaching Spanish on the side

Reoccurring BYU dream

2011-12-22T08:41:00.002-06:00

I have had a really annoying reoccurring dream lately. Over the last few months this dream would pop up once a week or so and for the last two weeks I have had the dream every single night. There is something I need to deal with and haven’t or my brain wouldn't be on this loop…

So here it is. In this dream I will find myself on BYU campus. At first the novelty of being there is entertaining. In the dream I wander around, run into people I know from the past and from the present, I even attend old classes and see my favorite professors. After doing such things I inevitably want to leave, but one of two things will happen at this point. I either get lost and wander campus looking for a way out or I am about to leave discover that I have lost something vital like my car keys or wallet and have to backtrack. Either way, I always end up wander campus for hours and am never successful in finding the lost car keys or wallet, or getting off campus.

I feel like this dream is loaded with meaning but I have hesitated to think about it much during waking hours… Thoughts?

The big Mormon gap...

2011-12-18T10:30:00.000-06:00

I have these moments where I am reminded of how weird being Mormon actually does make you. In fact I would say that it downright handicaps you in a lot of social situations and settings. Being Mormon can effectively put a wall up between you and the people around you creating a situation where you don’t know how to relate to others and they don’t know how to relate to you. Effectively the church, its teachings and the filters that it puts in place really do make you “in the world but not of the world”.

These issues came up when I went to the local atheist and agnostic Christmas party and another party that a few teacher acquaintances had thrown both last night.

My own social awkwardness highlighted the whole “in the world not of the world” thing but I also watched as this Mormon guy I am acquainted with interacted with the group. He has known this group of people for almost two years now. They all came to Louisiana at the same time, went through teacher training together, and teach in the same schools. Being a teacher through the program that they came in through usually causes groups to become pretty strongly knit together. You go through hell together and rely on each other and yet the strong friendship that I would have expected to see between him and the others was just was not there. He was friendly, he was nice, he was good at making conversation, but I could just see as he interacted with people that there was not a super strong connection between him and anyone else in the group.

I was listening to a MormonExpression Podcast the other day, I can't remember which episode, but one of the contributors commented that in the Mormon world you are Mormon first above all else. Only after Mormon comes things like daughter, wife, mother, husband, American, human being. First and foremost is always, always Mormon so that gap no matter how a member acts is always going to be there between them and others.

After he left there was a lot of speculation on a few things Mormon. Many in the group did not really know about me and my background. I got a very outside view of the church listening to some of those comments… No one said anything mean, or disrespectful and they all really like this kid, but the gap between him and the others in the group became super apparent as they discussed Mormonism. (Guess what Salt Lake your ad campaign not working… People still think Mormons are nice but totally weird…)

I found myself listening and wondering if he knew this gap was there between himself and his friends… Sometimes even as an ex-Mormon the gap caused by the church makes me feel that I will never be just myself.

We go to great lengths in forums, blogs and podcasts to talk about whether or not the church itself can learn to accept that the word "Mormon" applies to anyone who wants to claim it, not just the orthodox, church going part of the Mormon family. I am starting to see that the larger question is whether the world itself can accept a "big tent" uncorrelated definition of the word.

In some ways this gap between Mormons and the world really represents how effective the church as been in separating itself from the mainstream over the years because to the general public the definition of "Mormon" really seems to match Salt Lake's definition more than John Dehlin's version of the word.

The gap seems almost insurmountable. The gap makes me want to disavow all connection and be discrete about where I am from, but its pretty hard to be real and not have those things come up at some point. I’m just reaching a point where I don’t want the label or the gap anymore. I don’t want "Mormon" attached to me in any sense.

Choose happy...

2011-12-17T16:03:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago this article about the five biggest regretsof the dying was being passed around Facebook. Number five was important to me this week. It said,

I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

Today, letting myself be happy meant letting go of the bad mood I have been harboring all week long. I spent a few hours today singing and dancing to x96 while making fudge in my kitchen.

Ultimately, my bad mood was caused by environmental issues in the small town that I live in. They are things that I have no direct control over. I can be an activist on those issues but I can’t let it control me the way I did last week. I need my peace. I need my happiness. I need to fucking dance in my kitchen while singing and cooking and not feel bad about it.

Sometimes I'm dumb...

2011-12-15T00:18:00.002-06:00

I feel like the title should actually be: "Sometimes I am terrifyingly stupid..."

I have been stressed out and in an awful mood all week long. Today one of my students put his hand on my back for a moment and it hurt. The muscles in my back are so knotted up right now that just his hand resting on my back caused me to wince. I was going to go into detail about some of these issues, but it seems a bit pointless and like whining. Needless to say there is a whole host of environmental issues at play that are wreaking my normal peace right now and most of them are totally outside of my control.

I came home from work today and really just wanted five minutes to breathe. I just needed a little time to chill, sort things out, think other thoughts. For various reasons that did not happen. I did not get a reprieve from my stress. That lack of reprieve tonight caused me to do something that in retrospect was downright stupid and dangerous...

I had gone to Walmart hoping to find a particular documentary that I needed for tomorrow and was on my way out of the store, walking across the crosswalk. As I was crossing some guy in the car that was waiting for me to cross rolled down his window and yelled at me. I don’t even know what he yelled. All I heard was the ornery and rude tone of voice. All I could see was the glare on his face. I should mention also that he was not the only guy in the car. In fact there were four big 250 pound men in the car…

I whipped around after the one yelled at me, glared at all four of them and then flipped them off which just resulted in the guy yelling something else at me, but by that time I had already turned back around to walk to my car. As I got to my car they had driven back around to find me and I just stood there glaring them down some more and almost daring them to pull something. After a minute they just drove away.

I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. So dangerous. I was just already so stressed out and annoyed with the entire world… I didn’t need their yelling and I wasn’t going to take it. I really don’t know how something didn’t happen. I am sure they wondered what this dumb white girl was thinking glaring at them, and flipping them off in poorly lit parking lot all by herself… The fact that there were other people in the parking lot is probably all that save me… So dumb.

This weekend has to be chill… This weekend has to be totally chill…

Is there a god? The answer almost doesn't matter...

2011-12-11T14:22:00.000-06:00

“Do I believe in God?” When I am asked this question I think that people really mean it in a straight forward way. They want to know if I believe in some larger power that probably created the universe and that to one degree or another seems to listen to us when we speak to him and is generally aware of us and our plights. When people ask that question, at least where I live, they have in mind some version of the Christian God that permeates the corner of the world that I occupy.

I generally do not answer such questions when asked. I don’t feel that the answer is as simple as a single “yes”, “no”, or “I don’t know”. There are multiple layers to even those short answers that really require more explanation and dialogue. If somewhat coerced or forced to answer that question, no matter what you actually mean by your answer it will be reinterpreted based on where the hearer of the answer stands.

In light of Andrew’s blog post here and recent conversations with my friend Jeremy I find myself approaching that question in a new way.

Faith is a powerful thing. By at least one definition, faith is acting as though the thing your faith resides in is real. Faith in God often results in people behaving and living their lives as though God lived. In so many ways that definition of faith makes faith a creative power. Perhaps faith cannot call a non-existent god into material and literal being, anymore than a lack of faith could kill an actual factual god, but it certainly has the power to shape the world as though that god were a certainty.

Faith yields actions that build a sort of god-shaped space on the planet and certainly in the lives of people that have faith. In this way the existence or nonexistence of God really does not matter, because the very idea of God has shaped and changed the world as though he or she was there.

Do I believe in God? As I said before the answer is complex. Andrew in his blog posts clarifies the question a little bit by rephrasing it, “Do I believe that God exists?” No. Not usually. Sometimes. I don’t know. I don’t see any factual actual evidence… It doesn't really matter.

The answer despite the wording of the question almost seems irrelevant. It does not matter that the answer is factually yes or factually no because the world itself, the communities that I reside in, and the cultures that I have participated in have all been shaped to one degree or another by the belief that there is a god.

I live in a world that faith built. I reap the results of that faith in God whether it is through enjoying works of art created through that belief, accepting a helping hand from a stranger who is trying to be like Jesus, receiving hate mail or calls to repentance from strangers and friends for expressing a lack of belief, or whether it is through fear of losing my space in a community for being different than God wants me to be. By simply living in the world and interacting with others I am confronted by various versions of God. Atheist or not I live in a world where God can’t be ignored.

Talking to people that literally believe III

2011-12-09T22:12:00.000-06:00

I just had a two hour conversation with a very religious man in the science section of the Barnes and Noble. He played it cool for awhile trying to look like a science geek but in the end he was bearing testimony and offered to pray for me.

As he talked about the wonders of the universe, the intricacies of cells, and the energy flowing through the universe I was reminded of Sagan and his enthusiasm for the beauty of the scientific world. In the end he could not believe that something as complex as the cell could not have been created. (It was a bit ironic to be able to see The God Delusion on the shelf behind him as he spoke of these things… So much of it resolved in those pages with a deeper understanding of the power of evolution…)

There we were in this animated and rather loud conversation in the science section going head to head on what makes us act and believe the way that we do and why people believe in God. He said he feels God and proceeded to share his experiences. All of the experiences he shared are things that I myself have felt in one way or another. (Maybe not quite totally. He had dreams about aliens... We did not share that one though he had had dreams of heaven, hell, and the tree of life. I had dreams like that. He had had the night terrors that I fought as a child. He had heard the voice of God on more than one occasion and I too had had experiences where I literally thought I was speaking with and hearing the voice of God. ARRGHHH… Now I start to look crazy… Don’t worry I recovered.)

He could not understand why I no longer believed though, having had the same experiences toe to toe that he had had. Instead of answering I asked him question. I asked him why he attributed those experiences to God? He did not understand what I meant by that. I explained he attributed them to God because at some point he had been taught or told that those unexplainable experiences were God, but many of them are scientifically explainable. He spoke with all the fervor and strength that I remember speaking with when I was a missionary. Though he was not Mormon, he still bore testimony to me that God existed and challenged me to show him which book would explain these beliefs. I pointed to The Believing Brain…

Our rather animated and long conversation actually attracted quite a lot of attention. By the second hour we had quite a few people milling about listening and two other people actually stopped and joined in for awhile.

The conversation was invigorating. He remarked how nice it was to talk of such things but that it is so difficult to bring up such ideas with people you know. As he said that I thought of the experience I had with getting the messages from my mission companion a few days ago. She and he really think a lot alike and see the world from similar perspectives... Yet conversations about belief with her are completely different than this conversation with him. We were exchanging ideas and not trying to prove the other wrong necessarily standing there in the bookstore.

Conversations with strangers are not nearly as emotionally charged as such conversations with people you are close to. The emotional investment is not there with a stranger. Challenging the beliefs of someone you are close to or having your beliefs challenged by someone you love is so often a challenge to “self”. BUT under these circumstances where you are talking with strangers the conversations itself is the focus because the emotions and relationship are not there.

Maybe I need to stop strangers in the science section more often?! We both walk away hearing another perspective and having a good conversation without getting hurt.

Ren Fest II

2011-12-07T20:16:00.000-06:00

I went to the Renaissance Festival this last weekend. I dressed up in sort of pirate wench costume. I had on black floral tights, a knee length poufy black skirt, sexy purple and black corset that produced a lot of cleavage complete with a black bandana around my head and hanging down the back. I should have taken a picture.

Dressing up surprised me a little bit. I have never felt secure enough to go out in costume before let alone going out looking sort of sexy. This level of self-confidence is a bit astounding. I have gone from not even feeling secure enough to dance alone in my apartment to walking around at a festival looking a bit like a whore and flirting with two hot-butch lesbian girls and being totally fine with it. It’s almost like I am not even the same person anymore…

In keeping with Ren Fest tradition I had my cards read. It was the same fortune teller as last year. She did not recognize me. (Of course she didn’t. How many people does she read in a year? Hundreds, maybe even thousands.) She gave me the assignment of making a list. I was to make a list of the characteristics I am looking for in a future partner, be specific, be thoughtful and then send it out into the universe. She gave me the assignment last year. I did not do it, though I did have the idea floating around in the back of my head all year.

I am still an atheist. I don’t believe in magical things. The idea of “sending it out into the universe” is a bit strange to me. That being said I do believe in the power of sorting out our own thoughts and seeking after what we want so finally, tonight I did it. I took all of my collected and stored thoughts from the last year, and put them down. I wrote down characteristics I liked in all of the people both men and women that I have dated, crushed on or even had friendships with over the years and put it all down. There are 23 pretty darn specific things on that list. I was shocked as it grew. I do know what I want. Until I made myself write it down I did not even realize it. I have been dating girls that don't fit at all and I wonder if I am not doing it on purpose... I am doing it because I am afraid of a serious relationship? That is something to think about.

I have no delusions of finding anyone who is “perfect” or embodies everything on the list, but I think it is a place to start…

I sent the list out into the "universe" on one of my totally anonymous, not linked to this blog, blogs… (Maybe if I start to feel braver later on in the week I will post the list here...) Strangely, I felt, what I would have called the spirit in my TBM days, as I hit the little publish button.

This is me getting a little bit more serious about going after things I want.

Argh...

2011-12-06T23:13:00.000-06:00

I have been afraid to answer a few questions lately. Lately, I’m a bit afraid to ask myself what it is that I really need, and what it is that I really want. I think I know the answers to these questions, but actually putting those desires and needs down into comprehensible thoughts seems impossible.

Why would I be afraid of such questions?

Not answering those questions keeps me standing still.

"The answers lie inside of you"

2011-12-04T01:00:00.000-06:00

Re-blogged from: J'aime cette vie

Talking to people that literally believe II

2011-12-03T14:15:00.000-06:00

I just got a series of Facebook messages from a mission companion calling me to repentance and inviting me to come back to the true church. I found myself rolling my eyes, stifling laughter, and then being amazed at the audacity she had to say some of the things that she said. I then promptly felt bad for the eye-rolling and the laughing. Ultimately her messages make me sad for her.

She feels that my soul is on the fast track to Outer Darkness (spooky Mormon Hell) and her messages were full of testimony which she actually concluded with “in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.” I see value in posting some of the more outlandish gems:

“I choose to take the standpoint to just be your friend and love you and hope that by doing so you would come back.”
“You taught me to look in the mirror and see who I really am. Can you do that? You are his daughter.”
“A lot of times I think members are afraid to open their mouth. Do you see the adversary doing that? No, he’s not doing that, he is working 24/7 to destroy people.”
“The devil and the world will reward you nothing good and lasting.”
“I cannot choose for you, and from your email it seems you have made your choice but it is my hope that my email can persuade you to come unto Christ your Redeemer.”
“Do not fight against the promptings of truth. Do not make it harder than it needs to be…I will pray for you, fast for you and be your friend.”

Those little quotes give you a picture of her belief level and fervor. She is by far the most literal believing and fundamentalist-type thinking Mormon I have ever encountered. She literal feels that I am surrounded by the angels of the devil and am being carefully led down to hell…

I have to say that in some ways I really admire her for her sincerity, her authenticity and for truly living what she believes. She really does act on what she thinks is right and true, but it makes me cry for her and the black and white world that she will ultimately live in.

This timely interaction with her came hand in hand with an interesting definition of respect posted to a Facebook forum recently:

“Respect is assuming that someone is rational in his or her own mind, regardless of whether he/she is right or wrong.”

I find that definition of respect to be rather faulty. I know that in her mind she is totally and completely rational. She really sees the world literally through the gospel lens and through that lens. Her views completely and totally vilify anyone who does not embrace her and her lifestyle. I am an evil apostate who has rejected God and if I can’t be “persuaded” to come back to fold I will reap the dire consequences of my evil choices. It will be my own fault and I have been warned...

I should respect her view just because it makes sense to her? Hmmm… No. Respecting her views feels like embracing and respecting insanity.

The sad thing is that her point of view and her beliefs will probably make it impossible to be real and sincere friends with her because her stance puts us on such unequal grounds. For her there is no valid path but the church path. There are no valid people but people that embrace the church. There is no such thing as friendship with a non-Mormon without the ultimate goal being bringing that person the church. The filters that she has in place will completely block her from embracing people as they are, and from seeing so many of the wonderful things that exist in this world.

It is tragic.

Previously posted:

"Talking to people that still literally believe... Oh the drama..."

And scene...

2011-11-30T22:39:00.000-06:00

I have a gnawing desire to think new thoughts. I have a massive need to put away the past. I want to be past this transitory phase between Mormon and just being me. (Does that even make sense?)

There is a stack of unread books on my shelf about religion, atheism and belief that I just can’t bring myself to even pick up. I even thought about trying to sell them back to Amazon totally unmarked, uncracked, and unabsorbed. I may have reached my carrying capacity for this obsession with belief.

I feel the need to do new things… Like maybe take an acting class, or a dance class, or storytelling class. So many of the fears that I carried around for so long are gone now. I really feel that I can do anything. There is little holding me back at this point.

Clogs are on their way back baby!!!

2011-11-27T13:38:00.003-06:00

Today I walked by a huge shoe shop in the local faux-town building development thing. As I passed the first two windows my mind did not fully register what I was seeing but by the third window my eyes widened and I stopped full on to turn and gape at the window.

Hands pressed up against the glass, “Thank you hipsters for bringing back the clog!” I shouted it at the window. I felt like I was in that Christmas Story movie that opens with all of the kids pressing their faces up against the toy store window the day after Thanksgiving.

A guy walking by (a hipster himself) burst out laughing and actually gave me a double thumbs up as he walked by. I waved back and pulled a tissue out of my bag to wipe away the fingerprints that I had left behind on the window in my abandon and over exuberance at seeing those beautiful shoes in the store window.

I don’t get overly excited about very many things. I don’t get overly excited ever about shoes except for clogs. I love them. I wore them all through high school. Every single day.

Near the end of high school I went to the store to get another pair of clogs and to my dismay they were gone. It was official they were no longer in style. On a back, bottom shelf in the corner of the store I found the clearance clogs and bought the last pair that fit me. I was heart-broken.

This single pair of clogs had to last. They had to last until clogs came back in style and were readily available. I horded this single pair and brought them out only on special occasions, wearing them only when I really “needed” to. They have lasted me like 12 years now, but even with my meticulous care to make them last they are pretty worn out thus my joy today upon seeing the shoes in the store.

I did not buy any though. I walked away from the store without even trying any of them on. I’ve decided a pair of clogs will be my reward for finishing NaNoWriMo… Perfect reward… I feel super motivated already to get those last 7000 words. HAPPY DAY!!!

Edit - Got home. Must add photo!!! Here in all their glory are my 12 year old clogs.

Strong Role Models

2011-11-26T16:46:00.000-06:00

Anne McCaffrey died this week… For those who don’t know - she was a science fiction/fantasy writer. Her most famous books are probably her Dragon Riders of Pern books. There were about a million of them and I probably read every single one that was in print while struggling through junior high and high school. While I have not reread them or even thought of her in years and years I am sad today to find out that she died.

Somewhere in my parents' basement, in a box far far away from here, is a bookmark with her autograph on it. She mailed it to me after I had written her a letter that was something like five pages long talking about how amazing she was, and how great her characters were, and had included a drawing I had made of one of her dragon rider ladies. (I’m really revealing the inner-nerd today.)

Growing up the women in her books taught me to be strong. They were the stars of their own lives. They had strong thoughts and strong opinions and were not afraid of stating them no matter what the consequences were. Plus, they were always super bad-ass and were more often than not the characters that saved the day.

Maybe I was bound to be an apostate right from the get-go because I would smuggle those books into church sit on the end of the bench and attempt to read while in sacrament meeting. (Too hard to pull off in other church meetings, like Sunday School and Young Women’s but sacrament meeting flew by…)

Church itself seemed to suck the strength out of so many women. Looking back at the ward I grew up in while reading those books it seems like so many women were totally stressed, depressed, and in marriages they didn’t’ like. They had five kids and were just trying to keep things together. Even in junior high and high school it seemed like most of my friends were headed to that same place. Most of my friends wanted that life, had been raised believing it was their destiny. Hell, that is the very life that I tried to embrace as I attempted for years to pray the gay away.

In some ways the old church teaching that what we choose to read, view and listen to changes us is very true. We are shaped by the things that we embrace. The words we choose to read can change us to a degree. I’m so glad that I found the Dragon Rider books instead of embracing the sappy JackWayland Mormon drama novels that all the other girls my age seemed to be reading all the time…

I'm thankful for...

2011-11-24T09:46:00.000-06:00

I’m about to go to a big, traditional, loud, Southern Thanksgiving. Not sure exactly what that is going to look like but I am really excited. I made Sean’s brownies, and sweetpotato cornbread as my offerings for the Thanksgiving Day altar.

I am a bit sad that I did not make the trek to either Portland or Salt Lake but I am glad to have adopted family members everywhere. I think that is really what I am most grateful for this year – connections, real authentic connections to so many people. One of my goals at the beginning of the year was to find community. This year I really found it. I found community not in the way that I thought I would. Community has been expanded thanks to the digital world to include people near me and others that are far far away.

Reaching out this year I found other people reaching back for me too. It has been such a huge blessing in my life to meet so many new people and expand my “family”.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Thank you for being in my life!

The mole

2011-11-21T11:51:00.000-06:00

Nagging… I have a few people in my life who are really good at it. I mean really good at it. I mean professionals. In fact I’m pretty sure these women and a few men could win awards for it. Giant crystal trophies with titles like “Nagging Queen of the World” on a little platinum plaque on the front. That being said this post is not about those people at least not directly. This post is about how I react to nagging.

I used to have this mole on my face. It was awful. It was ugly. It was really, really horrible looking. Nagging me about the mole had become such a normal part of conversation that it was almost said in the same tone of voice and with about as much thought as people say things like “how are you?” and “bye”.

My grandmother, “Glad things are going so well right now. You will look so perfect when you get that mole removed. Good-bye.”

Mom, “You really need to come pick up those books I got for you. Get the mole taken care of on your way over. See you soon.”

Uncle, “The party is at 12:00 on Saturday. Bring the relish dish. That mole might be cancerous. Could you bring a folding chair too? Hasta la vista.”

This went on for years… I have to confess that while I do have a major fear of needles I also really hated that mole. I hated it as much as everyone else around me did yet I carried it around on my chin for twenty-two years mostly to spite the naggers…

There had once been a whole month long gap in the nagging about the mole. I felt my need to spite the naggers begin to dissipate. I found a dermatologist. I called and made an appointment. I was going in the following week to get it taken off.

Cue my mom calling me… If she had known about the appointment I am not sure how she would have reacted. I had not told her I was getting it off, but just like normal the mole came up in conversation. My desire to spite the naggers was renewed. I got off the phone with her and called and cancelled my mole-removal-appointment and carried the mole around for another two years.

This personality trait… Not mature. The nagging was not mature either, but again this post is not about the naggers, it is about my reaction to them. This attitude of digging in my heels just because someone repeatedly tells me to do something is a bit silly. I did not take what they said and decide to not get the mole removed because of any sort of logical analysis… I just didn’t want to do something I was being nagged to do.

So I matured a little bit and realized that this war over the mole was ridiculous and that I hated the mole myself. So right before going on my mission when all of that other medical stuff was getting done to go to Spain I got the mole removed.

The funniest part of the whole story is that I showed up at her house a week or so after getting it off and was just chatting while she was cooking something and she starts talking about cancerous moles and how I need to get it removed… She had not even noticed that it was gone. It was such a normal part of the conversation that I just cringed and changed the subject. It did not even occur to me to tell her that I had gotten it taken care of.

It was almost like the exchange about the mole was no longer about the mole at all anymore. It was about nagging and about rebelling… The object of the conflict gone and the conflict still existed…

In some ways the church has become the new mole. My mom brings it up. Expects some kind of reaction and we both leave with hurt feelings... This last time though when it was brought up I forgot to play my role. I didn't react the way she expected. I said something nice about the church and we had an actual conversation... It was weird and refreshing all at the same time... One conversation that threw off the roles. We have now had several conversations where the church was not mentioned at all and I wonder if it because the cycle had been broken...

Ritual: Praying for enemies

2011-11-19T14:18:00.000-06:00

Prayer is something that has been transformative for me in the past and I have found myself really wondering why. Why has it helped me so much? I’m not sure that it was ever really and truly about talking to God for me. I think it was more about providing myself a time and a space each day to sort things out and say things outloud that you don’t always feel you can say otherwise.

I think too, that prayer served as a way of focusing my mind and creating a vision of the way that I wanted things to be.

I bring this up specifically because I have been thinking about past experiences where I have prayed for my “enemies” or prayed for people that I have felt some kind of negativity or hostility for. Each time I prayed sincerely, and consistently, desiring to let go of negative feelings I had good results. The “enemy” did not change in their behaviors or actions, but my approach and perspective towards that person did. Letting go of negative feelings is an overwhelmingly positive thing considering how harmful negative feelings can be when carried around.

I always credited God with changing my heart and helping me to see the good in another one of his children. Now I believe that my own sincere desire to focus on the positive is what drove the change. I answered my own prayers through targeting my own thoughts.

It occurs to me that I still need those sorts of perspective shifts and changes of heart in my life but it seems silly now to pray about them… How does one achieve these sorts of changes without prayer? Is continuing to use the ritual of prayer a bit strange even if you don’t think you are talking to anyone but yourself?

The Miracle of Forgiveness - The church moving forward

2011-11-16T21:10:00.000-06:00

This summer I “borrowed” one of the five copies of The Miracle of Forgiveness that could be found on the various bookshelves around my parents’ house. I picked the book up on a whim and thought it would be good for reference in the future. I thought it was out of print. I thought the church had pulled it from the shelves and I didn’t want all five of the family copies going in the trash or being sold at a yardsale… I threw it in suitcase right before leaving.

Turns out the copy I borrowed was the copy my dad took with him on his mission. He even had a stamp on the side that said, “Elder ‘Kiley’s dad’”and there was an illegible note from my uncle to my dad on the inside.

I found out today that the book is actually still sold at Deseret Book and still recommended by priesthood leaders. I was appalled. You can still purchase all the pain and guilt your little heart can handle for just $19.95. All fourteen reviews on the Deseret Book website are 5 star reviews… (Amazon reviewers were less Stepfordy and gave it only 3 stars…)

When I was 14 my bishop made me read that book. The command to read the book came after a long and grueling interview where he had demanded to know every single sexual thought I had ever had in detail and how much I had acted on them in detail. After leaving that interview I felt violated. (The boys think they were the only ones picked on…) After that interview I never told another bishop the truth about any sexual thoughts and feelings. That caused me a lot of guilt, but the feeling of being violated in that previous bishop’s interview was strong enough to even make TBM-Kiley lie…

The interview with the bishop was really just the beginning. The book was awful. I only got half way through the book and lied about finishing it. I wish that I were being dramatic. I wish that I were making it bigger than it was, but I really do think that book damaged me. It damaged a lot of people.

As I thumbed through the book today I realized that as long as the church stands by that book the church is not really moving forward. Really and truly not budging. If the things in that book are still passed off as being spiritual, uplifting and go for church standards then the church has not progressed at all, it had just gotten quiet on some of its views.

My friend Satan...

2011-11-14T23:50:00.002-06:00

The idea of the devil always had way more power over me than God did. He was much more real and much more accessible than God ever was.

In church some Sunday school teachers would say that Satan could not read our minds, but that he knew us and remembered us from the preexistence but we had that blasted veil of forgetfulness drawn across our minds. He was not in our heads, but he knew exactly how to tempt us because he knew everything about us. I always thought it was a bit scary that Satan knew me better than I knew myself. It seemed more than a little bit unfair. It almost felt like God had stacked the deck against me.

I also had these terrible night terrors where I would wake up paralyzed and unable to move. I would try to call out to God to help me and save me sometimes it worked and other times it didn’t, but I was certain that these night terrors were Satan himself come to torment me just the way he tormented Joseph Smith when Joseph Smith had knelt to pray about which church to join. In answer to such torments though Joseph was delivered and saw God, and I just drifted off to sleep clutching my blanket around me usually singing to myself songs like “ I am a Child of God”.

Yep, the dark side had shown itself to me way more powerfully than the light side did. In some ways it made sense… God lived far away on another planet. Satan lived right here on this one.

(As almost an aside since only those that have been to the temple will be able to relate to this and there is no YouTube clip of the temple videos ---- Later on it was interesting to me that in the temple videos the character of Satan was actually the character with the most depth. He was more complex than Adam or Eve, or even God on the videos they played in temple. I watched those videos and felt like I knew Satan and everyone else was so one dimensional.)

In some ways these things all combined to actually strengthen my testimony in God in and in the church. If there was one side it seemed all the more certain that there was another side. If Satan was so real than surely all of the visions, healings, and revelations from God that others claimed had credibility too.

One of the more interesting things that has happened since becoming agnostic and then atheist is that the night terrors have stopped completely...

I raise my coffee to my grandmother this morning - Religion and sacrifice

2011-11-13T12:12:00.002-06:00

My grandmother was from Iowa. Having grown up during the Great Depression this was a woman who knew sacrifice. Sacrifice and scarcity were just a way of life for her. Her reaction to that was the same reaction that so many others from that time have manifested. Cleaning out their home and property after they died was a nightmare. Every closet, all the basements, the barn, the big three story garage in the back were all filled to capacity with things that were being saved for a rainy day. Save now so you don’t suffer later. I wonder if this stockpile mentality did not carry over into the spiritual realm too.

I find myself wondering what church activity rates looked like for people from that era. Was the culture or rather necessity of sacrifice so engrained that sacrificing for a religion was just a given? Was obedience just another form of stockpiling? Obedience to the church and to the prophets resulted in stored up blessings in heaven where moth and rust would not corrupt and where failing economies could not take away. Religion, the church, was the best insurance plan ever. Everything was stored off planet.

As I think about my grandmother and her faith I am proud to have her. She lived her beliefs even if they are beliefs that I don’t believe. She stood for what she felt was right. At the same time though I feel bad for her. She built her whole life around a story. She built her whole life around this fable that my grandfather taught her and later baptized her into. I don’t blame him, because he really believed in what he was doing too and I look at them and really think that the church brought them a lot of happiness.

The more that I look at and continue to study religion the more that I realize that belief is a front. Religion is rarely solely about belief. There are all of these other factors involved.

Can I accept that some people need the fable? Can I accept that the myth does bring happiness to a few? If it does not bring happiness it does provide a sense of security and stability and maybe that is really what the generation of the Great Depression got from religion. It was something constant.

I do something that in some ways is very Mormon this morning. I drink my morning coffee in behalf of my grandmother, or in temple talk vicariously for her, who loved it but gave it up for her beliefs. May she reject or accept it as she wishes on the other side.

Why I might be the most selfish person in the world...

2011-11-12T15:07:00.000-06:00

I recently made the decision to not go home for the holidays at all. I made the decision without really thinking about it or analyzing at all which for me is unusual. I usually belabor every single decision in my life with days and weeks of thought, lots of planning, and long pros and cons lists. This decision though was pretty much made spontaneously without hardly any thought at all. The moment that I made this snap decision I felt muscles in my back and neck immediately relax. Utah just feels hazardous to my health.

Last night I spent a few minutes online just looking at tickets home and found really, absurdly cheap tickets, but the moment that I considered buying those tickets the muscles tensed back up. Going home for the holidays really feels like a "should". It feels like something I "ought" to do unless I have a real barrier for not doing so. Maybe because it feels like a "should" I found myself digging my heels in, crossing my arms and petulantly saying “no, I won’t go” to the computer screen. I closed the browser and decided it was time to think about this decision a little bit more.

My trip home this summer was not bad. I met a lot of really cool people. I hung out with friends. I had a few meaningful chats with family members, and by the time I left Utah I was convinced that I needed to move back. I also left with a real desire to re-embrace Mormonism on some level. I really thought I could do this uncorrelated/cafeteria Mormon thing. The thought of how to re-engage and re-embrace the former mindsets of course dug up some of my previous feelings of depression and “unworthiness”… (Will these things never die???)

After a few weeks back in Louisiana I realized the folly of such thinking. I think that there is room for straight people to find a middle path, but I really don’t think there is a middle path in the church for gay people. (I get crap everytime I say stuff like that but again, no one has been able to show me this said middle path where gay people actually get to participate in meaningful ways despite unbelief or unorthodox action.)

I really think my stress with going home for the holidays comes from not being able to be myself there. I would be surrounded by people who refuse to know “me” or acknowledge “me”. They think they love “me” but what they love is actually a version of me that never truly existed. They love the “me” that I held up and worked so hard to maintain. They are not interested in actually seeing me or knowing me for who I am. In some ways this refusal to see me is worse than if my fears of being disowned when I came out had actually been realized.

There are too many things on the taboo list. There are too many things that we can’t talk about. There is now no way to share real and legitimate feelings without one side feeling that they are comprising too much for the other side. So we can talk about the weather, we can talk about work, but beyond those things there is nothing. There is no connection. I remember how to understand and connect to them, but connecting in old ways really does require embracing old ways and embracing old ways means embracing things I can’t embrace. Embracing the church on any level really feels like compromising myself or my integrity.

I hate feeling like leaving the church has meant choosing between “me” or my family but it has. When people ask me if I regret leaving the church my family is my only regret. I am so much happier and healthier without the church but it has probably forever damaged family relationships even though I have been really, really careful in trying to navigate and maintain them. Somewhere along the way though the real connections got severed one by one and rather than an actual relationship we have this shadow of a relationship. I just did not realize that shadow relationships would be worse than no relationship at all.

Not going home for the holidays feels like giving up on them. It feels like giving up on my family when there has been no major event to cause it. Rather it has resulted in a million little things that have just heaped up on top of each other over the course of all of the conversations and interactions over the last two years. My will to continue working on it is just not there. My desire to compromise, compartmentalize and keep things pleasant is just pretty much gone. It seems easier to just not be there than to be there confronted by them, craving real connection and not getting it. I love them. I miss them, but it just seems easier.

Relationships only work if both sides want it to happen and are willing to compromise on some level. It just starts to feel like they don’t want it to happen when I have to censor everything about myself or when I am there in town to see them and no one can make any time at all to do anything.

Though the tone of this post might sound sad I don’t actually feel sad, not really. I think the thing that concerns me the most is that I don’t feel bad about not wanting to go home. Seriously, part of me is yelling, “Kiley you are such a bitch. Get your ass on the plane. Family is about compromise.” BUT again, I did not make this decision with these thoughts in mind at all. It is only through examining it more closely today that I can see these things as being my pretty subconscious reasons. My decision was made and maintained solely because it caused the muscles in my back and neck to relax.

I was not trying to be a selfish bitch but the decision is pretty damn selfish on so many levels. Even in realizing that it is really awful, I still have no intention of changing my mind. I currently have visions of myself spending Christmas in Destin, Florida on the beach... Its looking pretty good.

Mormonism is NOT my root-system...

2011-11-09T23:02:00.001-06:00

Example of a shot-gun house.

Yesterday I sat in the big black salon chair. The salon that I like to frequent is a shot-gun house, turned post office, turned salon six miles out of town on the highway. It is all trees and power lines, and then a break in the forest carved out by this little shot-gun house.

When I moved to town last year I loathed the thought of driving 50 miles into Baton Rouge to get my haircut so when I saw the door open at this salon I decided to stop and make an appointment.

As soon as I got to the door and saw the skull and crossbones welcome mat I felt I had found a treasure. Opening the door I discovered that the welcome mat was just a teaser. The inside of the salon is Kat Von D’s tattoo shop meets country. Most of the people working inside looked like they could work in Kat Von D’s tattoo shop as well. It was punk/emo/hair dye of every color heaven.

I have not had my haircut anywhere else since finding this little shop.

Sitting in the chair last night I listened as the owner talked. She spoke of how she was hosting a fashion show/party in her shop on Friday and that I should come. She was hosting it because there was never anything cool going on in town and this might be at least something. She talked about how she needed to get out of this little town and into Baton Rouge… Being out in the middle of nowhere had reduced her to dating cowboys and even listening to country music. Could I believe that she would date a cowboy? Did she seem country? (She grew up in the town.)

I laughed a little bit as I listened to her speak in her heavy southern Louisiana accent. Did she seem country? Well, none of us escape our roots...

Roots… I had her cut a significant amount off of my already pretty short hair… Three more inches gone. With those three more inches gone my blonde, blonde roots were showing through in the mirror even more. My hair has not been its natural color since junior high. For the mission I had it dyed and hightlighted blonde intending to let it grow out to its natural state, but half way through the mission I missed having brown hair and used the dirty old men who constantly yelled “rubia” at me as an excuse to color it.

When I got home last-night I spent some serious time looking at my hair. I looked at the blonde roots growing in with curiosity at first. The curiosity was followed by annoyance. The annoyance was followed by the realization that I can’t escape being blonde. My hair is blonde. I can dye it and dye it and dye it as I have for years and years and years but it is never going to be the various shades of brown and black that I like… None of us escape our roots…

There is of course a difference between hair color and an accent. One is genetically created and one is environmentally created, but in some ways both are pretty much impossible to change or alter. She could take classes to train the dialect out of her but it would still be there… It would still slip out from time to time. As I said before, no matter how much I don’t want blonde hair it is going to keep growing in.

As I thought about her and her dialect and me and my blonde hair it all came back to Mormonism for me. It always all comes back to Mormonism… The church is of course not genetic. Being Mormon is not an inherent part of me. It was an environmental influence that impacted my view of the world, my thinking, my perceptions, etc. Going back to the salon, Mormonism is my dialect NOT my hair color.

The roots thing… None of us can escape our roots… Well…

The roots are “me” or part of “me”. The roots are NOT Mormonism. Mormonism is actually the soil (or depending on the day the shit) that the roots grew in. The plant pulled nourishment from the environment and maybe part of the trunk was formed from what was pulled in, or maybe a branch. Ultimately though, a plant can be transplanted to new soil and while it was nourished in one place by certain soil before it has the power to grow elsewhere too.

Coming out should be a non-event...

2011-11-08T19:05:00.000-06:00

I officially came out to my first coworker today. This was not really a brave move on my part. She is a lesbian herself and chats with me on occasion about her partner. She already knew I was gay even though I had never officially said anything, but as we chatted this morning it was just part of the normal conversation.

She inquired about the holidays I mentioned that I had set up a date to the Renaissance Festival over the break with a girl I have been casually chatting with. She smiled and we chatted about other holiday plans. It was not until after the conversation and walking away that I realized I had just come out to her. Her suspicions no longer suspicions at all.

I laughed a little bit because that sort of low-key nonchalant normal conversation sort of coming out is how it should be. I want to be able to just casually chat about my life, and my plans just the way that anyone else does without having to be paranoid about pronouns, or how to refer to people in my life. I should be able to talk about a date and say the word “her” or “she” without having it be a big deal in the same way that a straight person would not have to think about pronouns either… I aspire to that kind of world. Maybe really that is how I should treat the world and not care about reactions at all…

Fear of needles conquered!!!

2011-11-06T17:06:00.002-06:00

I pulled into the Whole Foods parking lot today after church and saw the Blood Bank trailer in the parking lot. The sight of these things usually induces a strong guilt reaction. That guilt reaction though is always followed by intense anxiety. I have a horrible fear of needles and pokey things… Enough fear that it actually used to produce full on anxiety attacks when I was a kid. Anytime I had to get a shot of any kind I would freak out. One time I actually passed out when the nurse gave me some kind of MMR in junior high just from the stress.

At some point I got a bit better about it, but it still terrifies me… I have to breath really deeply, can’t have any warning that it is coming, and can’t watch it happening.

I thought I was off the hook with the whole giving blood thing because at some point I heard that gay people can’t give blood. If you answer honestly that you are gay they won't take it. The guilt induced upon seeing Blood Bank trailers disappeared. They didn’t want my blood anyway, the bastards. In a rather embarrassing for me thread in a forum the term “gay people” was clarified for my benefit… When they say that gay people can’t give blood they mean gay men can’t. They will take all the lesbian blood they can get. Thus the guilt complex returned upon seeing Blood Bank trailers.

Today the guilt reaction overcame my anxiety reaction. (Plus, I always have to have a project right?! I am working really hard on overcoming irrational fears.) As I walked out of Whole Foods and the lady approached me I already knew that I was going to say yes.

So I gave blood today for the first time ever. I wish that my giving of blood today were altruistic. I wish that it had been motivated purely by a desire to save lives. Don’t get me wrong the guilt I feel is because I do want to help save lives, but really today was as much about doing the right thing as it was also about overcoming another fear.

New revelations on crushes...

2011-11-06T01:34:00.002-06:00

Crushes… I’ve had multiple over the last few months… Many of them have ended in disappointment. Most have ended in me learning a lot. Some have ended up simply being new friendships.

After a few recent dating experiences I have concluded that sometimes it is best to admire some people from a distance.

I was recently talking to my roommates about a date and told them about the barista I have been crushing on and flirting with for two years now. I have seriously wanted to ask her out for quite some time and after my date on Friday with a different crush I have decided that I don’t want to ask the barista out at all. I want our strange attraction-tension and flirting to continue indefinitely. It’s fun. It’s exciting and I really think that we both look forward to it. I like the thought of not being disappointed… I like the thought of not having to find a new coffee shop…

Some things should just be for fun.

Make-Up

2011-11-04T17:04:00.001-05:00

This morning I found a brand-new tube of mascara in the back of a drawer. I held thebright pink tube in my hand and dusted it off with my thumb. I laughed as Irealized that I had probably not worn make-up at all since I had bought it over ayear ago and forgotten about it.

As a child I would sit on the edge of my mom’s tiledbathtub, chatting with her and watching her as she went through her dailymake-up routine. Make-up was something I just did not understand, but knew thatas an adult woman it would be something I would be expected to know how toapply and wear.

I attended several young women’s activities where we wouldgive each other make-overs, and were shown demonstrations of how to put make-upon in different ways.

Later in the MTC all of the sister missionaries attending atalk where some prophet was quoted as saying something like, “Even the old barnlooks better with a fresh coat of paint.” That was supposed to be encouragementto put on make-up as missionaries and look presentable to the public.

Wearing make-up was never something I really ever had anyinterest in doing, and I never could make myself do it with any sort of consistency.Yet I always felt that it was on that “should” list.

Somehow that feeling of obligation to wear it has meltedaway over the last year. It was not a conscious decision, it just had not even occurredto me to put it on.

This morning I did not even hesitate. I threw the mascara away and now have plans to chuck the make-up bag this weekend. It is strange the things that fall by the wayside as youbecome more comfortable with yourself.

Random thoughts on my orthopraxy...

2011-11-02T22:31:00.001-05:00

I am currently sitting on my futon, my cat in my lap, and both of us are staring at a wild discus fish from the Amazon… Yep this guy was shipped from his home in the Amazon River of Brasil to Louisiana at some point. He now occupies my condo…

This strange visitor from the Amazon came with two people attached to him. I now have roommates, really cool roommates.

This should probably not be as big of a deal as it is. Having roommates should not feel like such a monumental life-change but it is. I have mostly lived alone since my BYU days – three and half years.

When I arrived in Louisiana, I arrived with a group of other recent colleges graduates and there were several roommate options available. I was just out of BYU though and did not want to live with any boys. Living with girls was still problematic and I did not “feel good” about living with anyone that might drink, watch rated R movies, or have “sleep overs” in the same place I was living in.

Even as unhappy as I was at BYU and though the proverbial shelf was starting to break I was still pretty orthodox when I got to Baton Rouge (in many ways my practice and life have remained pretty orthodox even after just minus actual belief). I opted to live alone. I did not feel like I “should” live with other people. I did not feel like I “should” put myself in an environment where I would have to deal with people who did not live the way I lived…

Looking back now I think living with other people, living with people who were not Mormon, would probably have helped me recover from my disaffection faster. I think of my life and how I have actually been living it. I still pretty much live by a lot of the major rules of the church but without actual belief to back those actions up. (There is a word for that… Orthopraxy… I think is where the practice is perfect even when the belief may or may not be there.)

I realized as I officially joined another church that I had done nothing officially ex-communicate-able by church handbook standards until handing that membership card in to the UUs… What a strange thing to worry about as a resigned member of the church. Why would I care about not committing ex-communicate-able offenses?!

I laugh a little bit that I live Mormon doctrine and rules better than many other people who actually do believe it and yet they call me out and judge me... Not that it matters... Its just interesting.

In many ways both parties are being false… I am living by a set of standards that I don’t believe in… They are failing to live by standards that they DO believe in… It’s a strange thing to think about. I really wonder what has driven my orthopraxy for so long? What has caused me to stick by so many rules or feel bad for breaking the rules where there was nothing there to compel those actions? Was it habit? No. I think it was simply fear.

New view of black and white thinking...

2011-10-31T23:19:00.002-05:00

I have recently come to a conclusion that will probably not be popular with many people… People that totally vilify the church and can’t acknowledge any of the good that is in the church are just as black and white in their thinking as the most fundamentalist, orthodox thinking TBMs. They are two sides of the same coin.

Am I wrong? (I’ve live both sides of that coin.)

Should...

2011-10-30T16:22:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had moments where you realized that you just let go of a bunch of things that you did not even realize you were clinging to? Its like your view of everything shifts in a second and a weight suddenly lifts off of your shoulders… You don't know exactly why, but it stops you in your tracks... You suddenly readjust and things kind of fall into place. Things that you did not even know were not in place before... Has anyone else ever had that experience?

This week for the first time in my life I think I just dropped the word “should”… I did not know I was still focusing on it so much. I did not realize that it was still holding me back… It just fell away.

(Becky was thinking about this word this week too.)

The elders knocked on my door...

2011-10-30T01:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the Elders knocked on my door. I have gotten over any normal ex-mo desires to sink my teeth into a set of missionaries. As we stood on my porch chatting all I really wanted to do was invite them in, give them a break, and feed them… I remember how awful the mission was. I really just wanted to let them rest a little bit.

We chatted about Utah since they were both from there and they had noticed my license plates. Small talk only lasted for so long and of course the conversation turned to the church and whether or not I knew much about the church. I owned up right away to being a former member and that if I had to I could actually still present all of the missionary discussions in the Spanish that I learned during my own mission days.

They wanted to get into the reasons why I left but I refused to open up about it at all and pretty soon one was bearing testimony of the truthfulness of the church and they walked away.

That quiet bearing of testimony seems so strange to me now. The practice of saying that something is “true” and “right” simply because you “feel” it seems so strange to me though I did it hundreds maybe even thousands of times.

This whole practice of bearing testimony just seems to serve to emphasize this horrible idea that the value of the church is weighted and measured only by its ability to claim that it is factual, literal, true and absolutely right. Placing all emphasis on such claims is foolish. Anytime the leadership emphasis the value of the church being in its “truth” it basically says, “If its not true there’s the door… The church is worthless if it is not what it claims to be. ”

I spent 29 years of my life judging the church based on its own rubric. For 27 years I knew the church was valuable because it was “true”. For the last two years I have known it was worthless because it was “false”.

It has only been the last few weeks that I threw that rubric away and have started to question and weigh the church in different terms…

As the elders walked away I was a bit sad. I wanted to tell them that though they believed and I didn’t that we both loved the church… It causes me a new kind of dissonance to realize and admit that I love the church… I am finding more and more that I don’t care that its not true, and while I would never rejoin it I still love it. I have really started to realize that the church’s value should not ride on true or false. Doesn’t the fact that I love the church make it valuable?

Though I will not return to it, can’t I reach a point where looking back and enjoying some of the good memories should not feel like backsliding, or a betrayal of myself? Isn’t shame in loving the church somehow based in or connected to the awful true/false thinking?

Crazy...

2011-10-28T17:09:00.000-05:00

It has been a really crazy week.

I am doing NaNoWriMo next month.
Have new roommates moving in tomorrow.
The date I mentioned last week was awesome.
I am soon going to be an actual resident of Louisiana.
I joined the Unitarian Church.

Please enjoy this video... Though I have things to say I just don't have time to write them down right now...

Being "whole"

2011-10-22T18:14:00.000-05:00

My sense of self and my knowledge of who I am is something that has really developed a lot over the course of this last year. In the church my “self” was rather alienated from me by some of the teachings of the church. I learned rather early on that it was not ok to be “me” and believe many of the things that were taught.

I spent some time a few days ago skimming some of my old journals and it broke my heart a little bit to look back and remember how lost and alone I felt. The pages are full of things like “I feel like a half person”, “I don’t know who I am”, “I feel so isolated”, “I am depressed”. The phrase, “half-person” showed up about 23 times in one journal.

One particularly insightful quote made me wonder how I did not get out sooner. I said, “You become only a half person when you lie to yourself about yourself.” I find myself wondering what that meant to me at the time I wrote it. On some level I knew exactly why I felt the way I did.

I had a testimony, I had a belief system, I felt that I had all the answers, but I did not have myself.

A few days ago someone mentioned Jack’s “I’m an Ex-Mormon” video. I watched it today and was crying, sobbing really, by the end of it. I related to just about everything that Jack said. He put into words some things that I have been working on sorting out. Towards the end Jack says that he wakes up every morning feeling whole and happy. (I am not going to lie… I watched the video like five or six times in a row.)

I have been happy since leaving the church. Happiness had gradually crept up on me and my old sadness and my old depression have gone away. I did not really question or examine the happiness. I was not sure exactly why it was there, but I was grateful for it. I have found myself jealously guarding it because I have not wanted to lose it.

It only occurred to me today that I have been happy because I have allowed myself to be whole because for the first time I accept myself. Watching Jack’s video really connected those dots for me.

Strangely as I thought about the word “whole” today I thought about the multiple scriptures where Christ declares to people that have just been healed, “Thy faith hath made thee whole.” I find the phrase fitting. I took a big step into the unknown as I left the church. I took a big step into another world as I reexamined every aspect of my life. The reward of those actions has been me being healed of beliefs that threatened to destroy me. I find that living in the unknown is preferable to the days where I used to feel that I had all the answers. There is space for "me" to exist in the unknown.

All the Mo's... Its about perspective...

2011-10-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

Click to see larger image

Advice to those just leaving the Mormon Church...

2011-10-18T19:56:00.000-05:00

To the Newly Found,

There are few people that you are going to encounter on a daily basis that will understand the gut-wrenching pain of realizing that everything you believed was true, dependable, and literal is actually a fairy-tale. You are going to feel alone, and a bit disoriented for awhile... That's ok.

The church came crashing down for me two years ago this month. I have spent some time reflecting on the things I have learned in that time and the fears that I harbored at the beginning. These are things I wish I had realized at the beginning of it all.

1. You think your family is going to disown you… They probably won’t but just because they don’t disown you does not mean things are going to be pleasant. Try to love them. Try to be kind to them. Resist the urge to dump a bunch of church history into their laps… Resist invitations to sit down and talk about you church concerns. You are going to get frustrated at having to listen to their testimony and they are going be frustrated that “the spirit” isn’t touching you. Not productive.

Try to focus the relationship on things other than church if possible and when all else fails just spend less time with them if things are awful every time you see them. You can always choose a new family.

2. You might get really fucking angry sometimes. That’s ok. (BTW saying “fuck” is ok too.) Anger is a real human emotion and you are not evil or unworthy for feeling it. You are entitled to be a bit upset. You have just lost everything that you believed in, knew, and if you are like me, many things that you loved. Not to mention that you have been lied to. Whether purposely or not you have just stumbled onto the fattest Santa of all…

Feel the anger but don’t fuel it. Figure out why you feel it and work to move on and if it pops up at unexpected times don’t stress yourself out about it. You have a lot to work through.

3. Things are going to be really messy for awhile, but don’t beat yourself up about it. You are going to feel the urge to talk to everyone you know about it all of the time… That’s normal. (If the Mormon god were real he would never have allowed the internet to be created…) You can connect with people who are, or have been, in exactly the same situation you are in. You are not alone and don’t have to go through this alone. Use forums. Use forums. Use forums. Did I say use forums?! Choose your flavor. I like them all and have posted on all of them at one time or another. These are good people.

4. Take some time one quiet meditative morning or evening and make a list of all the things you were afraid to do as a Mormon and then go out and do them. (Remember you are not an asshole. You did not lose all of your morals when you quite believing in the church… Don’t harm others…)

My list involved things like sitting in the Barnes and Noble café and drinking coffee, dating girls, saying “fuck”, going to parties, bonfires and non-church sanctioned social activities, being real friends with non-Mormons, burning my garments in a big bon fire, shopping on Sunday, watching my secret list of rated R movies that I had always wanted to see in the first place, wearing tank tops, my list went on and on and on… Go crazy. Do NORMAL real people things…

5. Find healthy ways to deal with your stress. Write. Work-out. Pick up some hobbies. Make new friends. You need an outlet and you need distractions.

6. You will survive this disaffection. You will heal from the hurt and the pain. It’s going to take time but things do get better. Realize that you are far more powerful and much stronger than you think you are. You are enough. You can make it through this.

Forgive yourself for your disaffection and embrace life. If you have to forgive yourself every single day for awhile that's ok.

You can always, always, always talk to me. This is my open invitation to anyone who stumbles upon this message and needs a shoulder to cry on, a good stiff drink, or a book list to contact me. You are not alone.

Love,

Kiley

Other letters from more friends:

Leaving the Mormon Church - Ain't No Mo No Mo
Leaving the Mormon Church - LifeLongGuy
The Now What - BlueCodeRed

**I invite other bloggers, or other posters in the various forums to write their own letters to the newly disaffected. (Put "Leaving the Mormon Church" in the title.) If you write one let me know and I will add a link to your letter to the bottom of this post.

I still have a lot of dating fear...

2011-10-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

Sunday found me sitting in the Unitarian Church more than just slightly distracted by a really attractive girl sitting on the row in front of me. There were some signs that she might be gay, but my gaydar has proven to be really awful in the past so I try not to assume anything. I just sat there listening to the sermon, sketching banana spiders in my sketchbook and wondering how to talk to her after the meeting…

At one point as I am drawing the leg of one of the spiders I stopped. I realized at the end of the meeting when we all stood up to listen to the closing poem I would get to hold her hand. I was sitting nearest to her so I would definitely be the one linking her to the row behind me. A pretty ridiculous smile spread across my face and I kept on sketching spiders.

I am such a dork… I know this… You don’t have to tell me… Am I like five years old?! Seriously?!

However, sitting there and allowing myself to get excited about holding her hand represents huge strides forward for me. That probably tells you how entrenched I was in the church. Any thoughts of attraction at all to a girl in the past would have had me on my knees for sometimes hours praying for forgiveness and cataloguing in my mind all the ways I could be more obedient so that I could be blessed with greater spirit to overcome it… I got really good at squishing such thoughts. I was a pro at not thinking about girls. (This was how I was able to go soooo long without having to acknowledge or fully admit that I was gay. Plus I was totally convinced by my patriarchal blessing that I would be married to a man in the temple…)

Talking about this makes me feel so handicapped now… October 14^th is my two year anniversary of coming out to myself. I have only started dating casually in the last few months and have either dated people that I knew I could not get close to for various reasons, or have found a way to sabotage things before anything could get off the ground… Yep… I have wrecked things on purpose in a few cases… I know how ridiculous that sounds but there is still this very internalized fear when it comes to embracing my attraction and allowing space for relationships.

As the sermon ended and everyone stood up to hold hands I immediately reached for her’s and saw her flash me this huge smile. After it was over I introduced myself and we chatted. YEAH! Totally a lesbian. Thank you Unitarians for being a “welcoming congregation”. We agreed to meet up later in the week... This time I have resolved to chill out and not freak out. My mantra lately is nothing flashy but has more or less been something like this:

Its ok to like girls... Really.... Its ok.

Future collage 2 and new insight into religious practices

2011-10-16T20:41:00.001-05:00

I have now been staring at this collage for about a year. I made it last year with my friend Kristy. It is meant to be an exercise in helping you to visualize your future. (To make your own collage click on the link in the first sentence.)

I took it down and rolled it up meaning to make a new one and found that my heart hurt to see the empty space on the closet door where it had been. I have built an emotional attachment to it. I was shocked. As I sat there uncomfortably staring at the empty closet door I wondered how a big bad atheist like myself had come to believe in the mystical power of my “future collage”?

I hung it back up and then sat there thinking about exactly how and why this collage had become so meaningful to me.

I don’t actually believe that it is magical, but I do believe that I have projected meaning onto it. It has become symbolic of me, my life and my inner desires simply through the ritual of staring it at and asking myself what I want in my life and what I want in my future. The objects on it, the arrangement of said objects, the relationships of the objects are meaningful because I gave them the meaning that I needed them to have. I have used it as a tool to help myself see my own heart and mind more clearly. This practice helped me find direction because it gave me time and space to turn inward and search myself.

The collage and realizing what it had become for me made me think of the purpose behind many religious practices and rituals. I realized that just like that collage becoming sacred to me many religious rituals and practices really only had the meaning that I had projected onto them. Prayer was a chance to voice out loud the things that were most important to me, and sort out what I needed in life. Sitting in the Celestial Room of the temple was a chance to think about my potential and my family. Scriptures study for me was always about setting goals.

Examining it now ritual for me was never about connecting to God. It was always time and space to connect to myself. There was no belief required necessarily. Focus on the supernatural or on higher powers was not a prerequisite.

Putting ritual into this perspective was an empowering thought. It took away some of the confusion I have felt about craving religion and ritual in my life despite being an atheist. I no longer feel that I am just being a big tourist if I participate in religion despite my lack of belief in any given religion.

If religion is not supposed to be about internal searches and self-improvement what is it really for anyway?

Here is the new collage that I finished for the next year. They are now both hanging on my closet door. I look forward to finding new things in it as I hopefully look forward more and back less.

Correlated, well-adjusted, gay Mormons do NOT exist

2011-10-15T10:06:00.001-05:00

Talking to a good friend last night I revisited old thoughts. So much of the gay Mormon dilemma seems to circle around the question of whether or not being gay is a choice. Of course the answer to that question is complicated and still somewhat uncertain by scientific standards. The waters are pretty muddy… The correlated/orthodox Mormon view of the question really does not depend on the science anyway.

If the answer is that yes, gay is a choice then there is no such thing as a “gay person” thus you just have straight people who suffer from temptations (aka those that suffer from “same sex attraction”). The cure for such “sufferings” is of course obedience, invasive bishop’s interviews, and faith to endure to the end of this life. In the next life such temptations will hopefully be taken away through faithfulness in this one.

If the answer is no, that gay is not a choice then the correlated Mormon mindset almost requires it to be viewed as a handicap or disease. It has to be a handicap or disease because The Plan of Salvation is clear anything less than a temple marriage between a man and woman is not worthy of the penthouse of the Celestial Kingdom. If you want to become a god, reap all of the rewards and blessings that God has to offer, and reach your full potential you have to be healed at some point from “the gay”.

For many correlated Mormons the answer to the question just does not matter at all. The leadership of the church has spoken, the stance on Prop 8 was more or less read over the pulpit, the Proclamation made, and as I said above, the Plan of Salvation is clear. Whether "yes" or "no" its not "ok". 1 Nephi 3:7 resolves the whole mess without having to even really examine it, “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” Heterosexual marriage in the temple whether in this life or the next will be made possible.

Somehow between losing belief, leaving the church, and working to embrace myself I had forgotten the correlated view of my situation… Once upon a time I was a correlated Mormon… It might be worth stating that the above answers to the “gay question” are NOT direct quotes but come from correlated-Kiley’s past journal entries and are not unique to me. Those answers are played out and questioned in lots of chapels each Sunday and online in the digital Mormon realm everyday.

The challenge with viewing LGBT people through a correlated church lens is that there is NO valid or legitimate space for “gay”. Lots of gay Mormons would disagree with that statement. Many people have assured me that of course there is space for gay people in the Plan of Salvation but when pressed to explain their view NONE of those people have ever been able to show me in scripture where that is clearly supported. NONE of those people have been able to provide any quotes or talks from General Authorities of the church that assure that.

Their idea that there is a place in the Plan of Salvation for gay is almost always based on personal convictions and personal revelations. The problem with personal revelation from a correlated standpoint is that if your personal revelations contradict the leaders of the church you are mistaken, led astray and wrong…The "correlated" use of personal revelation seems to be to use it confirm what leaders have already said. Even if you receive personal revelation your immediate leadership and the general leadership of the church all have stewardship over you. Personal revelation, while felt in your heart is really trumped by church structure at every turn.

Any gay Mormon who falls back on the personal revelation idea is automatically at least a bit uncorrelated. It is not possible to be correlated, gay, Mormon AND be ok with yourself. Every gay Mormon who is ok with themselves is unorthodox in one way or another even if their only unorthodoxy is allowing for personal revelation that gay is ok.

Why did you quit believing?

2011-10-13T18:14:00.000-05:00

For those who have left the church but are not hooked into the Facebook communities John Dehlin is passing this survey around. This survey is for people who once believed the church was true but no longer believe now. (Surveys are always better when there is more data.)

http://www.psychmeasures.org/index.php?sid=58166&newtest=Y&lang=en

National Coming Out Day

2011-10-11T16:18:00.001-05:00

A few days ago one of my online acquaintances kind of went off on a rant in a forum. He talked about how things like “National Coming Out Day” and the solidarity day where LGBT people and supporters wear purple were silly. He said that they were days where people could basically pretend to be activists and that they would get to walk away with this sense of having done something when really coming out, or wearing purple does not change anything for anyone.

He was not the first LGBT person that I have heard say such things. I always listen because in some ways my opinion of coming out and such things is still not totally solidified. It may be hard to believe since I publish so many of my thoughts, feelings and experiences online, but really I’m a private person and opening up to people in a visible and face to face way is often more than a little bit challenging for me. I often wonder why anything about me needs to be anyone else’s business. Yet I went through the whole “coming out” process (really continue to go through the process) where I posted things on Facebook, changed who I was “interested in”, talked to family and friends, got the haircut, etc. Its an ongoing process that really has been important to me.

What do such things as wearing purple and coming out do?

I think back to when I was a kid and how I viewed LGBT people. I had a hard time identifying with the people that I did see on the TV who were gay. I did not feel that the personalities shown reflected who I was. I am such a normal, ordinary person. I struggled with not having gay role-models that were more like me. Accepting myself as a lesbian might have been a whole lot easier if there had been more of them out and about in public. If there had been more people than just TV people.

People need to know that they are not alone. Such days as National Coming Out Day, and wearing purple are really wonderful. It’s a chance to see that LGBT people come from all sorts of backgrounds, and many aren’t stereotypical. Many are more or less super-ordinary like me. Being visible and showing others the diversity within the LGBT groups is valuable.

So while wearing purple on October 20^th may not change any laws, or get petitions signed it does make you visible to others. It would have been nice to have more people visible when I was growing up.

What are values...

2011-10-09T17:56:00.002-05:00

I mean this post mostly as an open thread. I want to get some of my own thoughts out and hopefully hear new ideas from other people…

Values – What are they? (I am sure there are people far smarter than I am that have defined, studied and analyzed that word.) Ultimately, I feel like values are the filters that we apply as we look at the world. We judge the world, all of the people we encounter and all of our experiences through our values. Values drive our actions.

I feel like my values have shifted since leaving the church and in some ways I feel like a completely different person. In many ways I feel reborn. The world looks completely different than it did before. I notice old things in new ways. I notice things I never even saw before. I act differently.

Another way of wording it might be to think about why you get out of bed in the morning. What drives you?

Before leaving the church it really seems like I valued obedience to God above all other things. All of my actions seemed to drive towards that and any actions that were not driven by a need to be obedient seemed somewhat unimportant or resulted in guilt. Post-church it seems that I value connections to others, and creativity more than ever before…There was always this desire to make the world a better place, but my motives behind wanting the world to be better have changed.

I would love feedback…

What do you think values are?
What do you feel like drives you in life?
How have your values shifted as your relationship to the church has changed?

The power of small prayers...

2011-10-08T13:00:00.004-05:00

I started out really questioning the speakers’ motives during Conference as stories were told about finding a quarter to buy a piece of chicken, and little boy Monson praying over his missing $5.00. I rolled my eyes more than once during those talks and thought “The Mormons have gone crazy”. Today, however, I realized that really those talks were genius and let me explain why.

Prayer is almost always spoken of in conjunction with the spirit and receiving confirmations of truths like the BOM or in connection to getting personal guidance and revelation. Sometimes big prayers like Smith's prayer that brought God down from heaven are mentioned. Never before do I recall hearing of leader advising us to pray for such small things like chicken and $5.00.

Cornish in his talk said something to the effect of small things being important to our loving Heavenly Father when they are important to us. I hate to always stand on the “poor children in Louisiana/Africa/China” box, but the idea of prayers for chicken, lost car keys, and missing $5 just remind me of the unanswered prayers of so many others. The bottom-line is that there is no quarter on the ground for that child in Africa and even if there was there is not a chicken stand to spend it at… THIS is of course my unbelieving, atheist, outsider’s point of view.

As I thought about the talks from a faithful believer’s standpoint the talks were really and truly genius. In fact how could I forget that once upon a time my God crisis was sparked by an unanswered prayer for my own car keys. (I may have to revisit that story now that it is not so emotionally charged for me anymore.)

The talks were targeted to the people that believe in that very personal loving Father in Heaven who knows us each individually. Of course that god wants “me” to have chicken, find my car keys and not lose my $5…

By putting this new twist on prayer this last Conference and holding up these examples of the miracle of chicken and the rescued $5.00 the church is lowering people’s expectations on prayer. The focus was not on the “spirit” which is hit and miss. The focus was not on examples of visions, healings, and messengers from God resulting in answers to prayers. NOPE these answers were tangible, small, and external.

Your average member not on narcotics is not going to see visions, experience healings, or see angelic visitors. In fact your average member seems to struggle to feel the spirit and interpret whatever it is the spirit is trying to say. The oft repeated idea that you should wait on the Lord and his timetable to receive answers gets old and really gives the believer NOTHING to hang or attach his or her faith to.

However prayers for chicken, lost car keys, and a missing $5.00 give people tangible and real world “proof” that prayers are answered. Faith is somewhat taken out of the realm of the unseeable and invested in an actual object that they can attribute to heavenly delivery. Prayer = delivery of your keys. Prayer = delivery of a quarter. Such prayers make the hand of God “touchable” and one can almost imagine that they just missed seeing an angel place the quarter on the ground as the words "amen" rolled off of their tongue.

How many such physical and tangible answers to such prayers would someone need before their belief in God would become nearly bullet proof? The unbeliever right now is screaming "Coincidence! Coincidence!" but no believer would see it that way especially if the results were repeatable. For the believer such tangible answers would make belief in God nearly unshakable, especially when deep emotions and love are tied to such a belief. The word "coincidence” would not even exist in a believer's lexicon.

Maybe I give church leaders too much credit but these stories really feel manufactured to invoke the power of good ol’ confirmation bias to help the membership stay firm, steadfast and immovable in the faith. Tangible and real world answers to prayers through such things as car keys, $5 bills and chicken…

The edge of the "comfort zone"

2011-10-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

Just saw this on Facebook and needed to share it here. I feel like this has been the theme of my life for the last two years. The "end of your comfort zone" is really the only place to be if you want to grow. I also think it might be the only place where happiness can be found.

Being done...

2011-10-04T22:47:00.000-05:00

Conference has made me reflect on belief, how major shifts in belief are difficult to manage, and how hard it is for people to understand where you are coming from as you struggle with reevaluating the world. You really don't choose to lose your testimony. Circumstances combine and it ends up destroyed... I don't think you really choose when the process of moving on is over either... It just takes time.

One comment that was left on my blog post-Conference blogging was this: “Why even watch if all you are going to do is bash? If you are done being Mormon, than be done.” I know that print has limitations, and I try not to assume too much, but I think she was a bit upset that I watched Conference and had snarky things to say about it afterwards.

Her somewhat hostile seeming remark was defensive. I understand that. I was attacking something that she loved. I wonder if she would believe that my snark was ultimately coming from the same place. My snark was coming from a place of mourning and loss of love… As much as I hated certain aspects of the church there were also many things that I loved.

The truth is that I WISH I were done being Mormon. I wish that you could just move on after you find that you can no longer believe. I wish that you could just let go, but the truth is that after losing your worldview you are left with a million little gaps to fill, things to evaluate, and there is almost always drama in all of your relationships. For every bad thing you are free of as you leave you have a good thing that has to be replaced by something new. You have to find new scriptures. You have to find new ways to pray. You have to find new sanctuaries. Sometimes you have to find new family.

Her comment seemed to imply that I should just be able to drop everything and move on but how do you tell someone who has never lost their entire way of viewing the world that it’s not that simple?

Dad's Primal Scream wrote a blog-post titled, "A Life in Sepia Tones" about this very topic that had me in tears by half-way through. It's something I wish all of my believing friends and family would read and understand... (As far as I'm concerned he better win a Brodie this year for this one...)

General Conference Sunday Afternoon Session: God will give you chicken and let children starve in Africa because YOU were chosen......

2011-10-02T17:28:00.000-05:00

No overarching themes in this session. It just felt pretentious...

Russell M. Nelson

It was all about the Abrahamic Covenant and how special Mormons are…
Through covenants, priesthood authority and obedience come the RIGHT to special blessings (translation: We are better than everyone else who rejects the church…)
“Let us all be covenant keepers because we know happens to those covenant breaks like Kiley who blogs about conference and says snarky things…” (I might have taken some liberties with that quote…)

Dallin H. Oaks

Another black and white thinking talk like Callister’s earlier in the day… We have to accept Christ’s divinity… He was not just a fabulous teacher or good guy… He was the son of God.
Seek first the kingdom and forsake the world.
“The way” or the straight and narrow is achieved through desire and obedience.
Really nothing new…

Matthew O. Richardson

Looked like Bob Saget.
He rephrased the oft heard my mission was “the best two years of my life” to “it was the best two years for my life”. (I actually liked the way he changed that phrase because it does not occlude the possibility that the mission might actually suck…)
Talked about teaching by the spirit = teaching people how to apply things in their lives rather than just telling them a bunch of stuff… (I actually kind of liked this one… It was the most upbeat of all four sessions. Plus, I’m a teacher. It just sounded like good lesson planning to me… Making things actually apply to the people you are teaching…)

Yamashita (didn’t get his first name)

He told his conversion story. Very sincere and very powerful to be honest but again you would have to buy into the whole idea that TRUTH is obtained through warm fuzzy feelings.
They should seriously have this guy talk all the time though because he is good at appealing to people’s emotions…
Told missionaries to 1) have a desire to teach 2) have a testimony 3) love others... ( I wish the LOVE others part was emphasized more in the church…)

Randall Bennett

Nothing really revolutionary here. More black and white thinking.
Choosing the church is choosing life.
Not choosing the church is choosing death.
(It absolutely invalidates any other life path which is ridiculous.)

J. Devn Cornish

Opened with a story about being hungry biking home from work and praying because he felt like a piece of chicken would refresh him on the way home. His prayer was answered when he found a quarter and got to buy some chicken… The moral of the story was that God loves us and when minor things are important to us they are important to God too… (This was hard for me to deal with… I have taught underprivileged and poor children who have also prayed for chicken…)
He did say though that after praying you should get up and do your part to answer your own prayers. I liked that idea.

Quentin L Cook

Tried to explain away the inequality and tragedies in this life by saying that it’s all part of God’s plan and that things that are unequal and unfair in this life will be made right in the next life…
Suffering is for our good and experience… (Uhm… Easy for you to say Mr. GA who is not living in poverty…)

Monson

I was kind of ticked off and emotional about the previous two talks and really didn’t listen to Monson’s closing remarks…

My Thoughts

I have a few major problems with the afternoon session…

1. Cornish’s talk got to me. I choked up a bit. His talk was really focused on a personal god. The god he described was the loving Heavenly Father that I really believed in back in my TBM days and I have mourned that loss. I really considered that the high answer rate I got on my prayers was because he was there watching over me. I never considered that I got answers simply because of the circumstances that I happened to be born into. (Or if I thought anything like that thoughts about being chosen and born into the covenant conveniently explained it all…) The only prayer that I can say was never “answered” was the one to be magically made straight. (I am so glad that one was never answered.)

Such a charmed view of the world… Such a pretentious and charmed view. I’m sorry… The bandaid that it will all be made right in the next life does not cover the gaping wounds that I see in the world today...

2. The other major problem that I have is the vilification of paths other than the path of Mormonism. The Mormons were repeatedly taught today that anyone who is not with them, or for them is against them. This causes them to have isolationist attitudes and really and truly sets them up to think that they are better than everyone else. Its not their fault in some ways that they have these attitudes. Many have been told these things their entire lives and are products of their environments… This sort of thing really makes me question the “goodness” of religion… If it closes your mind, and cuts you off to others I can’t endorse it.

3. I am bothered by the idea that feelings are indicator of truth and should be relied upon above all other things to know if something is valid…

Nothing in conference was really uplifting and inspiring in any big way unless you consider that I am a bit more de-converted, and was definitely reminded of reason why I can never say that I agree with the church.

General Conference Sunday Morning Session: You better be suffering... You are doing it wrong if you're not...

2011-10-02T13:21:00.000-05:00

The major theme of conference sure seems to be being content with suffering... I swear if you are happy or content God must not love you enough to perfect you...

Eyring

Had a serious lip smacking problem during his talk… Bring the man a glass of water please!!!
The value of the Book of Mormon is that it teaches us to be charitable, helps us stand as witness of God and shows us examples of enduring to the end.
Full conversion comes by faith. Faith comes by reading the Book of Mormon.
The Book of Mormon contains the “fullness of the Gospel” and is the only way back to Heavenly Father. (I guess he has never read the D&C… Which is actually the fullness of the gospel…)

Hales

Christ was the perfect example of just accepting all the shit the world dishes up for you and declaring “Thy will be done.” (Sorry… I’m so snarky today.)
The purpose of suffering is of course growth, development and to become humble and meek. Tribulations bring about the miracle of the “perfecting” process.
Answers and promises will be fulfilled in the Lord’s time.
It reminds me of what my bro-in-law said was an army slogan. “Hurry up and wait.” Wait for the next life to be happy… Wait for the next life to work for what you want… GAWWWWDDD!!!

Tad A Callister

His talk had my panties in bunch… Not gonna lie.. He pissed me off a bit…
His was a return and reiteration of all that is glorious about black and white thinking… Absolute right and absolute wrong.
He said, “The Book of Mormons is either true or it is Fraud”
Jesus is a god or a fraud.
There is one god, one church, one baptism, one faith… (The rest of us are headed down to hell. My friend Erin assures me there will be glitter and dance parties! YES!!)

Elaine S. Dalton

She called out the Dads to be good examples to their daughters.
Some great one-liners included, “Be loyal to the royal within in” to show your daughter how to live. She told the men to be virtuous (no porn or masturbating boys).
“How do you raise a daughter? By honoring her mother.”

M. Russell Ballard

He started out with a spiritual message about taking upon us the name of Christ.
The talk then went into the word “Mormon” and PR branding.
He went on for almost 15 minutes when it is appropriate to use the word Mormon… ARRGGHHH.

Monson

He was cracking jokes again today and jovially referred to Robert D Hales as “Bob”…
He then told a lovely story about how he prayed to God and God saved his $5 bill from being stolen by the dry cleaners…
He also dis’ed the Beatles as he asked church members to reject the slogans and pull of pop culture. Apparently all that we need is not love. We need a few thousand commandments. Sorry Jesus you were wrong when you said the first commandments were the most important…

My Thoughts

I am feeling really snarky today. I apologize.

I just struggle to see that if God were there and truly wishing to guide us in this life I don’t think he would spend time talking about when to use the word “Mormon”, asking us to pray about our missing $5.00, or telling us that if we can’t accept the Book of Mormon as his word that we are of the devil…

Nor would he be like an annoying waiting room nurse telling us that waiting makes us humble and patient while we are bleeding all over the floor and in need medical assistance right now…

I hate that the Mormon god and maybe all versions of god apparently do not love us enough to actually administer to our wounds in a timely manner. If we bleed out on the floor we simply did not have enough patience or faith.

General Conference Saturday Afternoon Session: Can I hear you shout “Salvation” please? SAAAALLVATION!!!

2011-10-01T17:27:00.000-05:00

Wow… The drama was slow coming out of the gate. The first session was nearly unremarkable, but don’t worry they pulled through this second session. It was a bit juicier.

This session was really all about saving everyone. Save the dead through temple work. Save the unborn by having more Mormon babies. Save the angry birds by not wasting time online throwing them against walls? (I’ve only heard of that game… Never seen it.) Save yourself by repenting. Save your neighbor by showing them how mainstream, cool and ordinary Mormons are.

Bednar

Bednar started out the session by talking all about getting involved in genealogy.
He said that saving the souls of the dead and using the sacred sealing powers of the temple was the highest and most important responsibility restored to Joseph Smith.
He specifically target the younger generation saying that since they know how to use computers, google, and the internet they were predestined to use technology to find and save the souls of our dead ancestors who did not get to be Mormon here in this life.
Are they just having to find a way to invest youth in actually staying? Make church more interactive and fun?

Neil L. Anderson

This talk was the first one all day to piss me off…
He repeated the oft heard mandate that we are multiply and replenish the earth.
Couples, even in bad financial situations or even while still students should not delay having kids. Delaying have kids shows a lack of faith and an unwillingness to be obedient. Hmmm… :/
He then quoted some blog he had found online: “Motherhood is a calling…… It is what God gave you (all women) time for.” So again ladies… Our only purpose – having kids…
I can’t wait to hear the backlash from this one…

Ian Arden

He basically spoke out on the evils of technology. How addicting online games, texting and superficial online social connections are…
God will hold us all accountable at the end for the number of minutes wasted on the internet, texting and chatting with people…
He asserts that connections and friends online are not real friendships.
We should spend more time serving and administering to those that need service.

Carl B Cook

Kind of a dumb talk about how when we are frustrated and sad we need to “look up to God”.
Being overwhelmed and frustrated shows a lack of faith in Christ.
He of course brought in the Bible story of looking up at the snake staff and being healed.
Spiritually looking up means looking to Christ and trusting in him.
He asserts that God always wants to be a part of our lives. You would think an omnipotent being could figure out how to make that happen and yet…

LeGrand R Curtis Jr.

Gave a very generic and unremarkable “come to Jesus” talk about repenting. (Nice job playing the safe card buddy.)

D. Todd Christofferson

He invoked the stories of Nehor and Corihor in the Book of Mormon and basically said that people who don’t believe in Christ, the church, God, etc have not values, morals and are unhappy… I wonder if he has ever met an atheist?
His talk is also gonna bring believing friend and family members down on our heads. He said that though it would be viewed as “intolerant” and “offensive” that family and friends needed to call the lost to repentance and that doing so was actually a very brave and true act of love… (Did my phone really just ring?! I can hear my mom and old mission comp calling now…)
He went on to talk all about repentance and that it is painful but it is the ONLY way to grow, progress, learn and find happiness here or in the life to come. Grrr…

L. Tom Perry (I always thought he looked like the Mole-Man on Simpsons)

He is the one the PR guys coached. Social media and the internet… Use them to reach out and join the conversation about Mormonism…
He advised people to be less pushy about Mormonism and that it was better for your friends to ask you about it and answer their questions than it is for you bring it up and tell them about it.
I suspect this talk could bring down hordes of TBM trolls to attack outerblogness…
I felt like he was saying, “Repeat after me! We are mainstream. Don’t mention Kolob.” Don't forget, "Let's be really fucking nice to everyone!"

My thoughts

I never really "felt" the atonement even when I was a strong believer. I trusted that the atonement was important, but I did not understand it and never felt it. I never understood how some guy who was basically the son of God, some half human/half god superhero even related to me and my earthly experience. I hated the story about the people in the Bible looking to the snake staff and being healed because I prayed and prayed and prayed through my struggles and never got this promised relief that was supposed to be available.

Now I look back and wish that the church had been more empowering. It instills in you that you are this awful sinner in need of a savior and redeemer rather than teaching you how powerful you actually are. They teach you to be helpless. It leaves you dependent on this unseen being instead of kicking you in the ass and telling you to go fix your own life.

We are far more powerful and capable than the gospel gives us credit for. We were not born fallen. We were not born evil. We simply "are" and to borrow from Korihor, we really do have the power to go out and built our own lives. I don't understand why people feel the need to be less than they can be. Why bury your potential under a pile of sin and feel bad? I don't understand how others don't look around and see that they have the power to make different choices and obtain a better life now...

One of the worst lies the church tells is that you can't be happy without the gospel.

General Conference Saturday Morning Session: Life sucks and Satan’s gonna get ya!

2011-10-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

If you just want the short summary of the themes in this session here you go:

This life sucks. Lucky for us we have the truth revealed to us through the power and authority of God and the next life is better! It really was all about how scriptures and prophets reveal that by obedience things are better after we die…

Every talk in some way focused on this idea…

Richard G. Scott was the opening speaker.

The scriptures are true because he feels it and then proved “truth” through sharing personal experiences that showed how important the scriptures are to him.
He did not call the saints to just read the scriptures. He told them that they needed to memorize them, and that as they memorized scriptures their life would be transformed. Testimonies would become unshakable as scripture was memorized and personalized.
During his talk he referred to scripture as “life’s handbook”, “packets of light”, “keys to opening up channels to God”…
He also mentioned that we NEVER have to doubt scriptures because they have been inspired and written through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Woman (I did not catch her name)

She talked about the steps to personal revelation and nothing new or remarkable was said… If you don’t get answers to your prayers wait on the Lord’s timetable…

Clayton

The kingdom of God will never be destroyed. The kingdom of God of course was the church. He actual took that quote about the sun never setting on the empire of England and used it as an example of a kingdom of man that had fallen, but that now with the church spread all across the earth the sun does not set on the church…
Basically, his whole talk was about how much the church rocks because it is growing so quickly… “Miraculous growth…”
The growth of course is attributed to living prophets and truth claims.

Monson

Announced a bunch of new temples... Another one in Provo built on the remains of the old tabernacle that recently burned.
His approval ratings must be lagging because he was super personable, friendly and cracked a bunch of jokes.

Jose Alonso

He gave the talk that will get all of our family members and friends breathing down our necks about the church. He talked about how you need to act now to save the lost and remind them of how happy they were as they were obedient to the church…

BKP

It makes me feel like a bad person, but when he talks about the devil I feel like he is talking about himself... That raspy smokers voice... He is creepy...
Gave a watered down version of his talk from last October… Happiness only through gospel obedience, same sex marriage, appropriate gender roles, and following the prophets…
He also said that youth today were being raised in “enemy territory” and that Satan was going get you if you weren’t obedient…

Uchtdorf

His talk was the most uplifting and inspiring. He cited Moses 1:39 and declared that all of the wonders of the universe were created for the benefit of man and that God’s purpose was to put us into circumstances that would help us to grow and become like him.
His talk really spoke to the poor and suffering of the church declaring that was a purpose in the things that they were going through and that the next life is better.
His talk in many ways resurrected the idea that we become God’s in the next life. (Take that Hinckley… “I don’t know that we teach it…)

My thoughts

Happiness was referenced in almost every single talk. It was of course referenced as being connected directly to obedience to the Lord's prophets and the gospel.

As I listened to them testify that happiness comes through the gospel I thought back on all of the faithful saints that I know and I don't feel that any are truly happy. They are faithful and obedient and yet one friend is so stressed out that she grinds her teeth in her sleep and broke three crowns last month. Countless others are on anti-depressants. Others have such low self-esteems that all they seem to do it tear others down when I listen to them talk. Years ago my own obedience to church principles led me to deep depression and suicidal thoughts... I have rarely seen the church bring anything that looked like happiness...

As I thought those thoughts and listened to the talks I realized that the church does not bring happiness... It brings the hope of happiness in the future. The church does not view happiness as a feeling that people should feel in regular rotation with such things as anger, sadness, boredom, joy, embarrassment... Happiness is not a feeling. Happiness is a reward bestowed by an external force and thus really and truly unattainable. RIDICULOUS!

I reflect back on my life and to be totally honest making happiness so dependent upon obedience was a horrible thing because even in moments where I could have had joy it was clouded by thoughts of all of my "sins" and imperfections. I never felt happiness until I let go of the church. I never felt happiness until it became a feeling again instead of a reward I had to earn.

It was sad to me to listen and hear repeated references to how horrible this life is and how much better the next one will be. The gospel short-changes the incredible experience that today can and should be.

My General Conference question list

2011-09-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

It is a little ridiculous how excited I am to watch General Conference tomorrow. The excitement has actually been building all week long! GAAAWWWWDDD?! Where is it coming from? I hated, no loathed, General Conference as a believer.

Regarding Conference I actually wrote in a journal from my believing days, “Guilt for everything and a thousand more little commandments that I can fail at…” (I was snarky even as a believer!) Now I am this near-atheist, non-Mormon, living way outside of the “kingdom” and I am looking forward to seeing what the COB and PR guys let the apostles say this time. I think I am probably overly excited. After the fireworks last year with BKP I’ll bet that leash has been tightened in.

In keeping with my old habits of Conference viewing I have composed a list of questions so that I can receive “personal revelation” and direction while watching. (Please forgive me if I don’t receive answers… I have not fasted nor prayed over this list of questions...)

1. Why is Mormonism so fascinating to me?

2. How would I have felt as a believer hearing this talk? How do I feel now?

3. In what ways do the talks given reinforce in-group/out-group dynamics? How does it encourage members to either separate themselves from the world or make them think they are better or “right” over others?

4. Does anything in any given talk actually inspire or persuade people to be better human beings? Or are most of the things said meant to reinforce a person’s ties and allegiance to the church?

5. Do the talks given really encourage agency and critical thought or conformity and fitting roles?

Letting go is ok!

2011-09-26T22:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in an online forum I advised someone who is likely to get excommunicated to just resign from the church. The solution seemed so simple to me. The idea of moving on so obvious and so appealing, how could someone not want that? The experience reminded me of Eliza’s post a few weeks ago.

I thought about my comment all day long and realized that such a step is not as simple as it seems to look in hindsight. I am on the other side of that leap now. I resigned and now know that the world does not end even if your old view of it does. I know that rebuilding is a daunting task, but it is possible. I know what it is like to drop the need for perfection and that it is possible to write your own definition of worthy. Yet these things are unknown to the person struggling at the edge of the church.

In some ways moving forward requires a different kind of faith. It is stepping not into the unknown of a big established church system with millions of other people testifying in your ear that it is the right step. Stepping off of the church path is stepping into an unknown and having only yourself to rely on. That is a scary thing.

How do you tell someone that if they have to make the leap that letting go is ok? That letting go might be the only way to survive?

My first exit story: I dance now

2011-09-26T19:27:00.001-05:00

Someone recently linked to the blog through my exit story on PostMormon. I had forgotten about it. I haven't read it since I posted it over there October 30th, 2009. God! I have grown so much. We do survive and even thrive after leaving!

I would like to title this post "I Dance Now" ... I know so cheesy...

I have been working my way out of Mormonism since I was about 19. I was BIC to goodly parents.... Grew up for the most part in Salt Lake and Orem. My story like so many others..... I went on a mission. Served in Spain and came home and finished my degree at BYU. Loads of callings in my young life. Moved to Louisiana and was exposed to s semi-normal world with normal people for the first time. (I would not call Louisiana normal though... no offense meant by that though.) I dropped out of regular church activity almost immediately, but still fought to maintain my belief until the last few months or so. The thing that struck me the most about "normal people" was that many of them seemed so happy and yet they did not have the gospel. They worshiped God and loved him and yet they were not completely guilt-ridden and unhappy. Not that I have joined with any of them in their religion, but it was eye-opening.

I continued to be inactive but began for the first time to confront anything about the church that I had ever doubted or had made me uncomfortable. This meant a lot of reading that so many others before me had done. I read lots of things in the Journals of Discourse. I spent a lot of time reading stuff about the masons and parallels with the temple endowments and ceremonies. I don't feel the need to restate things that so many others have already stated, but in short I began to ask all of the questions that I was never encouraged to ask.

The funny thing is though, that the whole time I was uncovering this shocking information I still viewed the information through the eyes of a believing member. I found myself thinking things like "the Lord would never lead his prophets astray.... x, y, and z happened for a reason..." "It is my own unworthiness that prevents me from accepting this or that." etc.

Finally, one day I just could not deal with it. I had the epiphany that so many come to - everything has one simple explanation: The church might not be true....
This was a shocking thought because despite my "disbelief" and doubts I still believed on many levels that it was true. I always assumed the problem was with me.

I just kind of lived with that thought that the church might not be true for awhile and after awhile I began to really believe it.

I think that growing up with this sort of belief system and this sort of stress over trying to comply with a belief system that I doubted so much generally led me to be uncomfortable with myself. It has meant a lot of lying to myself and others, lots of feelings of unworthiness, kind of being sad a lot of the time, and really just working as hard as I could to try and fit in to the culture.

This discomfort with myself has meant that I was one of those people that would NEVER dance. Not in front of anyone, not even when I was alone. A few weeks ago I was in my apartment with the music up and without even thinking about it just began to dance. I was halfway through the song before I had even realized what I was doing and I began to cry! I had never let go before. I had never been comfortable with myself before. It was amazing!!! I am really beginning to move towards a more real existence!!! Wow!.

The stars

2011-09-25T13:06:00.000-05:00

Mid-night found me tromping through the rural backwoods of Louisiana far from the light of the massive bonfire that we had all been sitting by. Now with our feet carefully picking each step in the darkness the trees threatened to swallow the sky and make the darkness complete. The sky was no longer the sky really but rather a series of jagged and unnameable shapes held together by a strange network of serrated lines crossing in strange ways.

We reached a clearing and the branches were gone. The crunching of leaves stopped abruptly as our eyes adjusted to a new landscape. The whole sky opened up and stretched out before us. Countless stars one piled seemingly on top of the other occupied every square inch of the sky above.

As I stood seemly hypnotized by this view I felt overwhelmingly grateful to be present in that moment. I felt so connected to the world and to the near-strangers I was with, privileged to be a part of it all. Taking in the stars, rooted to the ground beneath my feet, the words “lucid for but a moment” floated into my head and I really felt that even if this life is just a moment it is an incredible moment. It is precious.

I have started to hate the phrase "I am who I am"

2011-09-24T13:43:00.001-05:00

The phrase “I am who I am” is a phrase that I have been keyed into for a few months now. My ears have perked up every time it has been uttered within earshot. My eyes seem to find it easily on the computer screen when it happens to be on the various websites I frequent. It is a very popular idea. People proclaim it proudly and often loudly and it is often followed by endorsements from their friends and loved ones. The meaning may vary slightly from person to person, but what people seem to think they are say when they say that phrase is that they accept themselves for who they are and if you don’t accept them for who they are it doesn’t matter.

As I have paid attention to the phrase, how and when it is used, and what it seems to communicate in various situations I have discovered that I don’t like the phrase. In fact I hate that phrase. It does not mean what it could mean. It does not communicate what we want it to. The words are often a bit of a sham and a kind of façade. (I am glad I did not get that “yo soy yo” tattoo that I talked about before summer… Though thinking about the tattoo is what made me begin to pay closer attention to the phrase itself.)

One of the main problems with the use of the phrase is that it often uttered in response to ones perceived critics and is not used as the positive self-affirmation that it could be. As it is uttered out loud to the outside world it could often be translated into “I don’t like what you said or what you seem to be thinking about me… I am dismissing you.” What it sounds like on the inside in the heart of the person saying it is not “I love and accept me” but rather, “I hurt but better not show it”.

I have also found as I have uttered the phrase, and as I have heard it used by others, it also seems to be giving yourself permission to be stationary. It is almost feels like the use of the phrase is a manifestation that you have given yourself permission to hang onto negative and bad personality traits and habits. Rather than choosing to grow and change and better yourself you are choosing to hold still.

If I were to fully embrace the idea “I am who I am” that would mean fully embracing that social situations make me uncomfortable and I am probably always going to be a bit of anti-social introvert. Should I embrace being anti-social? Is embracing that part of “me” going to get me the things that I need? Embracing that might mean never leaving my apartment, never making new friends, dropping old friends, and becoming a hermit. Who “I” am is not something that provides me with the things I actually need to be happy, to grow and to continue learning.

Not only does it seem to prevent you from changing yourself, it almost seems to say that changing yourself is bad, that if you allow yourself to change or if you allow yourself to try out new ideas and experiences you are not being true to yourself.

The truth is that who we are automatically changes as we are put into new situations and experience new things. If we are truly learning from life we are changing, growing and moving forward. We should continually be trying on new ideas and working to view the world in new ways. We should approach each day looking to learn and seeking to grow. Growth and learning ultimately mean changing.Focusing on growth and learning allows us to confront the things about ourselves that are holding us back.

If you truly think the way you did yesterday, do the things that you did yesterday, and approach relationships, problems and the world the way you did yesterday in the name of being true to the idea “I am who I am” than you have missed out on engaging with life, possibly missed gaining the new things that you needed, and have ultimately put a limit on who you could have become. Since we are living breathing beings who have to adjust to the world and environment around us we have to embrace the idea that “you” of yesterday is not the “you” of today. The “self” of today may not need the things that the “self” of yesterday needed. Being true to yourself might actually mean letting go of a past self so that you can move forward.

If the phrase “I am who I am” must be uttered let it mean, “I am who I am TODAY” and accept that if things need to change that is ok.

***EDIT: The irony!!! Ten minutes after posting this I got a message from a girl on a dating website. She wants to possibly meet up. Her alias on the site is "justbeingme". MAYBE I am judging the phrase too harshly...

Conference next weekend...

2011-09-23T18:18:00.000-05:00

*Ha-ha! I wrote this post when I thought Conference was tomorrow... So out of touch... Its next weekend.

I watched 3 of the 4 general sessions of General Conference last October and would have watched all 4 had my power not gone out due to tree falling down last year. I won't say that I live-blogged those sessions because really I was not reporting what was said, but rather my own impressions and thoughts about the conference. I think I am going to do it again this year.

Here are the reasons why I think it is valuable:

1. Occasionally dipping my toe in the Mormon pool often serves as a marker to show me where I am actually at and how far I have come. It reminds me of how I used to think and of things I used to feel. It is a way to monitor my growth and progress.

2. It reminds me of what the church looks like from the inside. I read a lot about the church. I write a lot about the church but the actual church experience is pretty distant at this point. "The church" has become more complex since leaving and I forget what regular members are told. I forget what they know.

3. It is good to stay up on what my family members are hearing so that I don't get totally blindsided by things later on.

Still part of me is saying, "Kiley, why torture yourself?" Because it is so damn interesting... Maybe I am moving into a new stage of disaffection. It hurt a lot a few months ago. Now I find that church does not hurt it is just fascinating...

Interesting Facebook friend suggestions lately...

2011-09-21T21:52:00.000-05:00

Facebook has made some interesting friend suggestions lately! On the awesome side of those suggestion were cool people like Martha Beck and Elna Baker! (I did not friend them. Wanted to but didn't. Cool that Facebook connected me to them though!)

Then on the not so cool side Facebook just suggested I be friends with Orson Scott Card… For those of you who are less nerdy than I am he has written some phenomenal science fiction novels over the years. I read most of them several times over before I started reading some of his gay-hating editorials. It broke my heart that Ender’s creator could possibly be so closed minded?!

You’d think Facebook would look at all of the LGBT pages that I have “liked” and know that such a suggestion is laughable. However our five mutual friends apparently made the suggestion seem worthy?!

The Mormon world online is so interconnected!

"I hope they call me on a mission..."

2011-09-19T19:03:00.000-05:00

I have been home from my mission six years as of last week Thursday. Six years is a long time. I am surprised that the anniversary is still significant enough to me that I remember it each year.

As I look back at the past I find that I am both sad and glad that the intensity and vibrant colors of the mission have faded. While I can no longer recall or feel the highs of the mission, the lows are also distant and can’t touch me anymore either. Not being able to recall the anguish and anxiety of the mission is a huge blessing for lack of a better word.

There were a lot of really bad things that happened in my year and half in Spain. I really credit the mission for putting some major cracks in my testimony. The mission was the first time that I really started to doubt the inspiration behind church leadership callings. It was the first time that thoughts like “run like a business” had crossed my mind. The mission was the first time that I felt that numbers counted way more than people did. It was the first time that I started to see how history had been covered up, whitewashed, and ignored.

Missionary-Me

My mission was the first time that I really questioned where my testimony had come from. Of course at that point I considered my questions, and doubts to be a lack of faith on my part. I resolved to repair my testimony and moved from Seattle to Provo where rather than helping my testimony BYU finished it off…

I don’t really regret the mission or going to BYU (at least not most of the time). I got to live in another country, learn another language, be exposed to another culture in depth, and met a lot of really cool people. I learned a lot about myself and I really don’t regret things that have caused me to learn and grow…

I wonder about my leaders though… Would my bishop have been as excited to send me on my mission had he known the impact it would have on me? Would my mission president have written that letter of recommendation to BYU had he known it would finish off my testimony?

I mean this as a truly reflective and meditative question. Would I still be a member if I had not gone on a mission and not followed that mission up with three years at BYU?

Next time I am in Spain I am not passing up Carneval or sangria…

Happiness is...

2011-09-18T18:01:00.000-05:00

A pair of new cushy white socks.
A phone call from a long lost friend.
The smell of rain on hot pavement.
My pair of old worn out chucks.
A big hug.
The crunch of fall leaves underfoot.
Holding hands while lying on the grass and staring up the sky.
A warm cup of coffee on a rainy day.
Laughing so hard your ribs ache.
Hanging up a new art project.
Listening to kids actually use the things that you taught them.
A fresh box of crayons.
Learning how wonderful the world around you is.
Realizing you ran faster today than you could yesterday.
Looking back and realizing how far you have come.
Liking how you have changed.
Finding joy in the present and being excited for the path ahead.

Something is more interesting than Mormonism?!

2011-09-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have not watched TV for two years at least not in the sense that I would sit down and actually know what was happening in the show that was on. When my disaffection started there was simply too much to read, to much to write and an entire world to reevaluate. I would turn on a movie or TV show and would inevitably find that by the rolling credits I had spent the entire time on my computer. TV simply could not hold my attention and it became something I turned on for background noise. I thought I had developed adult onset ADD because my ability to focus on any one thing for more than 10 minutes seemed to have disappeared.

A few weeks ago I sat down on my couch, turned on the TV and had my computer in my lap. I was settling in to catch up on my reading and maybe write a blog post… This time though as the credits rolled by I realized I had watched the entire TV show and my computer had shut off in my lap. ADD cured?!

Over the last few weeks I have caught up on a few shows that I lost interest in… I still haven’t really watched the last two season of LOST. (Not that I think being able to focus on TV is something to celebrate necessarily… I do think that TV is a huge waste of time.) In a sense I feel like I have joined the “normal” or at least more normal living world. There is something more interesting than Mormonism?! Right now anime wins out over The Book of Mormon!!!

I had started to think that we don’t actually move on but that hope has been restored! YEAH!

"Atheist" is not a warm and fuzzy word...

2011-09-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

I have been hesitant to embrace the word “atheist”. It is something that I have resisted a great deal. It feels like such a scary word and not for the reasons that some would think. The word atheist is scary to me not because of any question of the existence of deity but rather for questions regarding life specifically my life and the gift of consciousness.

One of the reasons that I want God to be real is because I really don’t want death to be the end. I like being conscious. I like learning. I like feeling. I like breathing. It feels like embracing the term atheist means letting go of the hope that death is not the end of “me”. The end of “me” for some reason is terrifying. Hell, look at all the movies made that center around the theme of seeking of immortality. The end of “me” is not terrifying just to me, but it seems to be a major preoccupation with the entire race.

As I type those words I realize that we can thank the development and evolution of our sense of time for this fear. We remember the past, we are conscious in the present and we hope for a future. I am by no means a scientist but I wonder how many other animals on this planet have a sense of time beyond this moment right now… (If anyone reading knows the answer to that question please point me towards resources!)

I have clung to some hope or belief in a god of some kind mostly because of spiritual experiences that I have had in the past. I spoke to a somewhat unorthodox, but still very believing friend over the summer about some of these experiences. I explained that those things were the only thing that caused me to even hope in deity, but that ultimately I believed they were only in my own mind. She did not mean it in any sort of condescending way, she was speaking from her belief, she said, “Dear, your brain is just not that good.”

I did not respond to what she said, because part of me really wanted to believe her. The more that I read, and the more that I study I am amazed by science and the things that we are learning. I would respond to her today, “Yes, my dear, my brain is that good, and so is yours.”

It is really not that I militantly and willfully believe that there is no god. Rather it is more and more that I just don’t see how the existence of god even makes any sense when I look at the world around me. While the word "atheist" is not a warm and fuzzy word, the truth is something that exists outside of our emotions. The truth is something that just is.

Apology letter for being a jerk as a believer...

2011-09-10T16:24:00.000-05:00

Tom Perry over at the Peacewriter blog wrote an apology letter a few weeks ago to an inactive guy in one of his old wards. At the time Tom a fully believing member and the inactive guy had basically just lost his family over his unbelief in the church. Tom wrote a beautiful letter apologizing for judging this inactive guy for openly and honestly struggling with belief.

As I read Tom's letter it made me think of all the people I had probably hurt, or judged over the years as a believing member. I have a few apology letters to write myself.

This first one is to a girl I knew in junior high and high school. I wish belief had not prevented me from being her friend.

Dear Gilly,

I can’t believe how long it has been since we were sitting in English class together writing giant book reports and trying to survive the war zone that is junior high. You had just moved from California to Utah at that age where every difference between you and the larger group seems to stand out in awful ways. You dressed and spoke differently from the other kids in that very Mormony suburb. You might have been the first openly agnostic person I had ever met before.

Coming from the background I came from, and believing what I believed “agnostic” made you feel dangerous to me. I listened to my lessons each Sunday at church and was told to limit my interactions with people that did not have the same beliefs and values that I had. So I was your friend, but I held you at a distance. The more that I got to know you though the more that I liked you and knew that you were a good person. We had a fun time when we hung out and chatted.

Recognizing that you were such an awesome person just led me to want to make you Mormon too. It seemed like such a logical thing at the time… You being a good person would of course be converted to my church, the church that claims to be true and lifesaving. So I drug you over to the seminary building on campus where we talked to the seminary teacher for awhile and I gave you a Book of Mormon. I excitedly waited for the power of that book to somehow miraculously turn you into a Mormon…

When you showed little interest in the church and did not read The Book of Mormon I backed off. We still chatted at school but we did not become close friends. That is my fault. For some reason I had a hard time being friends with people with that did not affirm my faith and that is really sad. I imagined that you were not as "good" as I had thought you were... There had to be a reason why you did not accept God's true church...

I need to apologize after all these years for judging you through my beliefs and trying to push something on you that you did not need. I look back and wish that I had not shut you out. I wish that I had been a better person. I wish I had been a better friend. I’m sorry.

Sincerely,

Kiley

I no longer speak "Mormon"

2011-09-08T22:38:00.000-05:00

Tonight has been a busy night. I had to make two batches of biscochitos for my students tomorrow. In the midst of mixing, rolling out and baking the cookies I was also working on a new hobby. I am learning the fine art of making paper so I was shredding and soaking paper to be recycled and turned into cool crafty new paper. Cookies, a bin full of paper pulp, and me talking on the phone. (I felt like the multitasking queen of the world until a handful of shredded paper ended up in the cookie bowl… Luckily I already had enough cookies made…)

Somehow even with all of that going on I had random thoughts about church, and past testimony meetings running through my head. As it frequently does the question of what it would take to get you back to church came up in some forum a few weeks ago. That question is what sparked my thoughts tonight.

This question is by no means new for anyone who reads many blogs or forums. The answer varies greatly depending on who you talk to or what forum the question is posed in. While I have never blogged about it I myself have had different answers to that question.

In the past all I really wanted was a space to participate. I wanted to be able to go to church despite my disbelief and be able to raise my hand and share a comment, read a scripture, say a pray or get up during testimony meeting and share my thoughts.

While pulling a pan of cookies out of the oven it occurred to me for the first time that if given the chance to bear testimony there was nothing I could say that would be deemed “appropriate” even if I were allowed to get up and talk in front of a congregation at this point. What would I bear testimony of? I can hear it now, “I believe that the scientific method is true. I feel the spirit when I read Dawkins, Shermer and listen to podcasts about the church. I believe that church is important because it provides community and support when needed.” Uhm… Probably not.

I have sorted through and shed enough of my former beliefs at this point that I don’t think I could actually contribute much to the church that would be meaningful. Even if they allowed someone like me to participate (atheistic, out-gay, apostate former-member) what could I say that would actually build up the church? While I can still remember the days when I spoke fluent “Mormon” I find that the right words just won’t come to my mouth… I no longer speak the same language that they do.

Really, there is nothing the church could change at this point that would compel me to come back. I have begun to fill my need for community and friendship in other places. I have developed my own rituals, found new ways to “pray” and seek inspiration from new sets of “scriptures”. The only thing the church has for me at this point is familiarity and some of my family members. That’s just not enough.

She really does just want me to be happy

2011-09-05T12:56:00.000-05:00

We look forward at the path in front of us and there is nothing mystical or magical about it, by looking at what is before us we just often know what we need. We know what our next steps are. I have been pausing to step forward for awhile now. I know exactly what I need and want and yet I pick my foot up to step forward and then I set it back down. Why? Why the fear? After coming this far on this journey out of all that I have known why stop now? Why the reticence and hesitation with the next few steps in front of me?

I call home every week and my mom commented yesterday, “Kiley, you sound so happy.” She paused, as she chose her next words, “Don’t be afraid to really build a life for yourself there in Baton Rouge. I know its far away, but don’t hold back make connections to other people. Open up. You are so happy. Do what it takes to stay happy.”

How does she do it? My mom can hear the hesitation to move forward in my voice. I don’t know how but she can… There are so many things we don’t talk about and don’t say and yet she seems to know everything…

As the conversation went on I wondered if she really knew how I interpreted those words. Did she really understand that those words felt like her granting me permission to build a family here? Permission to have roots in this foreign soil? She indirectly confirmed later on that she did. She made another comment, “You don’t have to be alone.”

I know that I am grown. I know that I don’t need permission from my mother to live my life, and yet as she said those words I felt like I was letting out a breath that I did not realize I had been holding in for so long.

Instruction Manual for Life Video

2011-09-03T12:17:00.000-05:00

I had forgotten about this video! I saw it a few years ago and then someone just posted it to Facebook. Very insightful!

An agnostic's letter to a lost god

2011-08-31T20:52:00.003-05:00

One of my cousins sent me a request for a letter to someone I had lost, a letter that I would like to send to someone on the other side.

Its for a project she is working on and it was such an interesting idea. I found myself thinking about my childhood today... This is what I wrote, and while I am not sure I will send it to her, I do want to post it here.

Dear Padre Celestial,

I thought about you today as I walked through the butterfly garden at school, my students’ vibrant voices bidding me my hasta luegos and adioses as I left them at the doors, blowing kisses at them, and catching a few that they blew back at me.

That saturating heat that I have only ever felt here in Louisiana was clinging to me and seemed to lower the sound of the world around me. I looked up at the sky and the fat low hanging clouds. I was almost certain that if I would, I could reach up with my finger and poke them.

Adioses.

Humidity that would bring anyone to their knees.

Kisses blown to clouds.

Do you remember when I was a little girl and my grandmother’s house was much bigger? I would walk out the door each morning down 1, 2, 3 crumbling cement steps and blow 1, 2, 3 kisses up to you in the sky.

That was when the sky was bigger too.

I’d skip off up the drive way past my oak trees, with my skinned knees, and blow a kiss.

I’d pass the house with the angry gray haired man and his expansive rock garden and… kiss… Not just to you but one to him too as he watched from his green metal chair.

I’d hop over the pavement cracks and go around the corner by Scott’s Store with its candy bins and the jingle bell on the door and blow another one.

Up to the solemn doors of my tired elementary school, the one that my dad went to when he was a kid too, and before the great doors could creak themselves all the way closed a final kiss to the clouds.

Today, with fading adioses in my ears and freshly blown kisses in my pockets I found a pit in my stomach and a longing for childhood rituals.

At some point I lost you and have not been able to find you or even to kneel in years. I don’t honestly know if you are sitting on clouds and catching kisses from kids sending you love up in the sky but in that silent moment the world paused today and I wished. I wished with all my heart… Grown-up me, standing in front of another tired school, half a world away from my childhood, I suspended reason for just a second and found my arm arching up to the faded Louisiana sky remembering old rituals and blowing a kiss and a sweet memory up to heaven.

From,

Thoughts on belief from my hammock today

2011-08-29T21:08:00.001-05:00

“We really do find what we are looking for.” - My Facebook status today

This school year I have quickly fallen into several routines. One of my favorite routines is my post-work routine of walking through the door, shedding my nice work clothes and putting on shorts and a tank top to go out on the balcony to roast in the sun on my hammock while reading thoughtful and philosophical books. (It brings me all of the peace and joy that scripture study used to bring me.)

This week I started reading The Believing Brain by Michael Shermer. It is all about how beliefs are formed, why we cling to them, and how difficult it is for us to actually see reality through the patterns that we have form over the top of reality. So far it is excellent, but to be honest I never get very far. I tend to read a few pages and then get lost in thoughts about the church, religion, and how the concepts in the book apply to life.

Today as I sat in the hammock I realized that I was fifty pages into the book and could sum all fifty pages up by basically saying that we really do truly find what we are looking for. This is an idea that is so often repeated that the concept has nearly lost all meaning and we don’t actually stop to think about the implications. It is a powerful idea. When I posted the thought on Facebook a friend quickly pointed out “that’s [both] good news and bad news”.

This thought that we find what we are looking for is most often associated in my mind with the idea of people who are looking at the glass as half full or half empty. The “good news” of finding what we are looking for in the world is that simply by priming our minds we can seemingly shape the world itself. If we walk out the door each day really looking to have a good day we will tend to either zero in on the good things that happen or we ourselves will act to make good things happen. On the other hand if we walk out the door in a more pessimistic mood we are likely to focus on the things that are not going our way and perhaps ignore all of the good or positive things.

As I thought about this idea today I saw more to it than just pessimism and optimism. I thought more about the filtering that occurs as we choose what to focus on. If I walked out of my door tomorrow morning choosing to focus on all of the red things in the world I am sure that my eyes would land on cool things like lips, fire trucks, red brick buildings, mailbox flags, tomatoes at the roadside stand, stop signs, and poppies in the school garden. I have no doubt that it would be an awesome day visually.

The thing though about finding what we are looking for is that by choosing what to look for we filter the world. By zeroing in on red how many cool blue things would I miss? If I focused on red tomorrow would I even take the time to look up at the blue sky or the green trees? Would looking for the color red also filter out sounds like the birds singing or my students’ laughter?

Unfortunately, the moment that we focus on one thing we immediately block out ten others. It is unavoidable. Our brain just can’t process it ALL. We apply filters automatically and we tend to apply them based on arbitrary values… Our minds actually value one thing over another simply because we focus on it.

The color idea is pretty simplistic, but it helped me to see the power of the idea a bit more clearly and I thought about all of the things that I had previously known were “true”. I previously filtered the entire world through the idea that the church was “true”. I more or less found what I was looking for. Its not that I blatantly ignored things that disproved this idea it is simply that the filtering process happened more or less automatically. I automatically zeroed in on the “truth” affirming things and the things that did not affirm the truth did not even register just as a bluebird would be ignored on a day when I was focusing on the color red.

As I let these things sink in I found that I could forgive myself for believing for so long a little bit more. I also found that I could forgive those that persist in belief too. It reminded me of another idea I came across a few weeks ago. “Unless someone has a compelling reason to question their environment they don’t.” The views we have are self-reinforcing so unless something really causes us to have to question the way that we see the world we don’t.

Many who persist in belief simply don’t have a reason to examine things too closely. If the color red fills all your needs you don’t need the color blue… Only the color blind would search out birds’ song or children’s laughter instead of color.

Such thoughts today of course led to more questions than they did answers. I found myself wondering that if it’s true that we find what we are looking for then other important questions would be:

Do you know what you really want to find?

Are you looking for what you truly need?

AND it turns out I will be buying a couch after all...

2011-08-27T15:30:00.002-05:00

I have lived three years in Louisiana as though my stay here was absolutely temporary. This has meant that I have never actually purchased decent furniture nor have I registered my car in Louisiana. Yep, I have a cheap-ass Walmart futon in my front room and still have Utah plates on my car.

It is understandable why I lived that way my first two years. I was here in Louisiana on a two year teaching program. At the end of those two years I was free to move about the country again, but I stayed for a third year more or less because things had fallen apart and I was just not sure what I wanted to do.

I felt paralyzed when it came to making decisions. I no longer knew how to make choices without such things as prayer, God and the church to guide the process. It takes awhile to get over the idea that mystical powers were pushing me down the road I was supposed to go down. I no longer had specific boxes that I had to fit into and knowing what to do with my life has meant really digging into questions about what I ultimately want and what I value.

Now I am beginning my fourth year and really feel that this whole “temporary” approach to living here needs to end. I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about those things. What do I want? I have blogged about this before but I now feel that I have come to some answers.

I want to stay in education. Therefore coming to that conclusion means that I can now make decisions about grad school. I really like the school I am teaching at and I really like my job. Being home in Utah for the summer has shown that while I have a lot of family and friends there it was not really good for me to be there. It was mentally and emotionally hard to be surrounded by Mormonism and has taken me a few weeks to get over. I am going to stay here in Louisiana and try to go to LSU for my graduate degree.

Though I am staying here, I am however going to move out of Mayberry and am going to live in Baton Rouge and commute to work each day. (I will HATE that commute but getting out of Mayberry is important for my sanity, dating life, and need for bookstores and coffee shops. Plus, having a little bit of space between me and the community that I teach in will be nice.)

It always takes me awhile to make decisions, but ultimately once I make a decision it turns out to be the best one and I follow it through. YEA for taking my life off of "pause" and really committing to a direction!

My brother in law is going to be so disappointed that I am not moving to Portland next summer… He has apparently been hunting for cool lesbians to set me up with when I return next year.

The middle path...

2011-08-24T22:15:00.001-05:00

I had a few conversations tonight, one with Pablo and one with Jeremy. Elements of both conversations helped me realize that I am over this whole middle way/New Order Mormon/Unorthodox Mormon/Uncorrelated Mormon idea… (Choose your label... They all ultimately mean the same thing.) I am starting to think that leaving literal belief behind and trying to embrace some kind of new-fangled less literal view of Mormonism just introduces a whole new set of hoops for jumping and new mental gymnastics to master… It all ultimately leads to a second disaffection of sorts.

What motivates people to choose some kind of middle path when it comes to the church?

We are tied to the church not just mentally by beliefs that it is “true,” and the only path on earth to salvation… We have all of these emotional ties that connect us to the church too. We have happy memories, habits and routines from our upbringing, and family relationships. Another part of these emotional ties might be simply the idea that we like church.

We can lose our testimony that the church is true and factual. Read the right books, and uncover the right facts about the church and you will no longer literally believe. Once that literal belief is lost there are still those pesky emotional ties. Those seem to be much harder to sever…

Many who know that the church is not true and that it is not what it claims to be still cling. They choose this middle way. They choose to participate in the church despite their disbelief and it almost always goes back to something emotional. Choosing this middle path changes your relationship with the church. As a believer you would more or less do your best to follow the teachings of the church because your hope and faith in that path leading to salvation.

Now as a nonbeliever you are put into a position where you have to make a choice. You want to participate in the church but you have to decide whether you are going to be honest about your disbelief or not. If you are honest about your disbelief you really aren’t allowed to be a fully participating member of the community. Getting the recommend to go to the temple is tricky. An open nonbeliever is probably not going to get any “big” callings like bishop, stake president or mission leader… If you choose to lie about your disbelief you might get to be a fully participating member of the church but your integrity takes a beating and you can’t let the façade slip…

The middle path comes with its own set of filters. You have to ultimately prioritize all of the good things in the church over the bad things. If you dwell on the bad things in the church or allow yourself the question whether religion in and of itself is really good the middle path is a lot harder to take.

The other main filter that many middle pathers adopt is related to the realization that the church is man-made and as a man-made organization you can chip away at the beast… You can create a space for yourself and others.

I recently commented in a forum that if you wanted to make a TBM (true believing Mormon) cry you just tell him that the church is not true. If you want to make an uncorrelated Mormon cry tell him the church is not changing.

Those uncorrelated Mormons, we jump all over anything that makes it look like the church is progressing… We cling to such things like John Dehlin not getting ex’ed for apostasy for all of the things he has been brave enough to stand for, more recently how openly gay member of the church Mitch Mayne gets to be executive secretary in his congregation, or the fact that President Packer’s lovely talk was edited and made more tolerable. We love to jump on those things and cling to them. Oh look! The church is being nice - well nicer! It is changing.

When in reality the church does not want the PR nightmare that ex'ing a sort of high profile person like John could cause. They love the positive PR they are getting from Mitch's story as long as he toes the line. Changing Packer's talk was damage control, it did not indicate changes to their doctrine or policy.

I think the second disaffection comes when you start to realize that real change never happens in the church without extreme external pressure. Polygamy only stopped after acute political pressure. The whole issue of how blacks have been treated in the church was only resolved after intense social and political pressure. Resolutions regarding the issues of gays and the church are still decades off. Hell, when you consider that women are still second class citizens in the church and only have access to God through their husband and priesthood leaders it makes you wonder when gays are truly going to be considered equal… (Not without somehow re-doing the Plan of Salvation right?! Decades may not be enough time...)

Don’t get me wrong, the church changes. It just changes at a glacial rate and change is years behind the rest of the world. At some point as you push at that rock and realize that the changes that you want to happen won’t happen in your lifetime the emotional ties start to wear down and the sparkly shiny middle path becomes less appealing. The cost of the middle path is high personally.

At some point I think that many of us just want to move on. At some point the idea of reclaiming Mormonism just does not have the draw that it did before because the prospect of staking claim on a new life is simply more appealing...

The church of nice thoughts and dogma-free coffee

2011-08-21T13:11:00.000-05:00

I sat in the chapel of the Unitarian Church this morning and listened to the friendly chatter of people coming in and greeting each other. I looked over the program and put stars next to the social events, classes and service projects that interested me the most this month and was excited to see that the service today included lots of singing. I chatted with a few people sitting around me and then the bell rang for the service to start.

I have attended the Unitarian Church fairly regularly since last November and though I have refused to officially join the church I realized that my thoughts regarding this congregation and this church have started to change. I used to mentally refer to this church as “the Unitarian Church”. At some point very recently I started to think of it as “my church”. This is such an interesting change because really I’m agnostic (bordering more and more on atheist these days) and find that many of my inner religious questions are about whether religion does more harm than good and I have recently started to imagine what a religion-free world would look like… (Really, such questions are welcomed, fostered and encouraged in the Unitarian church so maybe it is ok to think of it as "my" church…)

I often refer to the Unitarian Church as the church of happy thoughts, dogma-free hymns, and coffee (though that is an over-simplification). Really the church is just a welcoming community where I can come and be myself. I don't have to be anything there or fit into any particular box. Despite my lack of belief in the mystical, mythical and superstitious I am welcomed and still get something from religion that I don’t get as I participate in other communities. No other community seems to fill my need for ritual like religion. I like the routines of the meetings. I like the repeated phrases. I like singing songs, and sharing warm and encouraging thoughts. I like the communal context that comes from the ritual. I like the community.

I thought about this Mencken quote that I wrote about last week and find more and more that it is a gross oversimplification…

H.L. Mencken – “[Religion’s] single function is to give man access to powers which seem to control his destiny and its single purpose is to induce those powers to be friendly to him… Nothing else is essential.”

I posted the quote to a forum just a few minutes ago and many of the comments really agreed with/alluded to the idea that religion and its functions are much more social than I had ever realized before.

I am starting to really think that religion has much less to do with the unknown, unseen and unexaminable and more to do with social systems, and social context than I had previously realized.

Having had these revelations today I find myself wondering why ritual is appealing?

Wall building

2011-08-18T19:41:00.006-05:00

I have hesitated all week to write this, and it is probably good that I did. The situation that merits me writing this blog post only just hit a breaking point for me a few minutes ago... What has happened this week is so common when people come out of the closet or when people leave the church that I hope sharing my experience will be of value...

In the last few years I have spent a lot of time taking down the walls that I spent a lifetime carefully building. Brick by brick this is something I have been working at. While taking the walls down and working on being true to myself I have also worked to prioritize relationships over issues. I have worked really hard to preserve family connections. I have worked to retain the most important friends. When you leave the church or come out of the closet some losses seem to be inevitable, but overall despite some drama here and some strain there I had managed to stay close to the most important people.

This week ends my record of retaining my whole family. This week I had to build a wall. This week I had to cut someone off. One of my sisters sent me a two page letter that was full of anger, lies, and unfounded accusations. I don’t know why I continued to read them, but that first initial letter was then followed by one more yesterday and yet another today. It seems that my very existence on this planet has caused such a disruption in her force that she must tear me down in every way possible.

I finally did today what I had intended to do days ago. I informed her that I was blocking her on my email account and that I would be blocking her on Facebook and I cut ties. The poison just kept coming even though I really refrained from attacking back. I refrained from saying purposely hurtful things in response… It took all of my effort to not push every button that I know she has but I knew that would just shut things down further so I didn’t.

I’m not going to go into great detail about this but rather I write about this experience because I have been such an advocate of finding ways to make the most important relationships work. I have been such an advocate of putting the people we love first. I have advocated those things because I really felt that with time, patience and love that the strain in many relationships would ease and go away. Sometimes the cost of taking the hits and the cost of waiting for relationships to heal is just too high.

I hate to have to learn lessons in such a costly and painful way, but her refusal to communicate and actually work things out seems to leave me little choice... From this experience I have changed my views a little bit. We should put people first whenever possible but sometimes it is not possible or even productive...

A relationship is impossible to maintain when:

1. Direct communication: The other person refuses to communicate in a calm and direct way. (Things should not be “worked out” via texting, Facebook, indirect passive aggressive status updates or blog posts, or email messages. If there is a problem it should be worked out through actual conversation!)

2. Two way conversation: When the communication is completely one sided and the other person refuses to hear anything you have to say then there is almost no way of working things out because there is no real conversation there. (I.E. “You will accept what I say. We are not going to discuss this further.”)

3. Evaluation of ACTUAL events and facts: Anytime a person accuses you of things, and refuses to actually evaluate the things that they say based on actual events and facts it is almost impossible to continue a relationship.

I do not take cutting people off lightly. I believe people are too important for me to easily cut ties, but at some point you do have to consider your own well-being.

May we not have to build many walls in our lives, or leave too many people behind...

The purpose of God and religion

2011-08-14T13:20:00.003-05:00

In light of my post yesterday about my one year anniversary as an agnostic and a conversation I had with Jeremy I have some new thoughts on religion and on God. Over the last year new questions have arisen from old ones. As a believer in God my questions focused more on ideas of whether or not religion was factual and true.

As I have grown into my agnosticism slowly over the last year questions shifted from “true” and “factual” to center more on ideas of the purpose, the function and the value of religion. Is religion good? More and more I believe that there are some good things that come from religion, but those same good things come from agnostic and atheist people too. “Good” is not a religious trait. I think that “good” is a human trait. So the question of whether or not religion is “good” is no longer as pressing as it used to be for me…

I find myself questioning what the purpose of religion is. What sort of evolutionary advantage does a belief in God provide us? What makes this belief in the unseen and unknown supernatural world so easy?

I have been thinking about these things for days now. In light of such thoughts Jeremy and I briefly discussed the merit of this quote yesterday:

H. L. Mencken – “[Religion’s] single function is to give man access to the powers which seem to control his destiny and its single purpose is to induce those powers to be friendly to him… Nothing else is essential.”*

You can read Jeremy’s amazing post about it right here.

The quote struck me as being mostly accurate. As Jeremy points out in his post I think there are more factors involved in religion and its functions in this world than simply man’s need to feel more in control of his destiny though I want to talk about that one.

For many of us who are now beyond literal belief the main value and function of religion is simply community, heritage and culture but non-believing participants seem to be outliers. Others seem to need religion for other purposes.

Many psychological factors tie into why religion and God are important. Here are a few of my own thoughts stemming from (though a bit tangential) the Mencken quote.

1. Upon reading the quote the idea that immediately popped into my head was prayer. Prayer is a prime example this quote. We pray in the moments where we feel the most helpless. We pray in those moments where we simply don’t know what to do or can’t do anything at all… We appeal to a higher power to direct the flow of destiny. Often when I said such prayers I did honestly feel better.

2. The next thing that popped into my head was suffering. Many cite the suffering and imperfection found in the world to be a reason to discard belief in God. How could a perfect being create such an imperfect place and how could he allow such suffering to continue? (I fall into this camp. Logically it makes no sense at all.) We created God precisely because the world was so imperfect. How could we sleep at night with all of the challenges and suffering if there was not some larger purpose behind these things?

As an agnostic person old guilt was swept away. I no longer worried about my checklist of commandments and the do’s and don’ts of the gospel. What I do worry about is the suffering of the world.

Without God and without a purpose behind a lot of the imperfections and suffering in the new world new concerns have crept into my life. I am now concerned with the planet more than I ever was as a believer and have begun to recycle obsessively. I look at the senseless mismanagement of resources and the waste and I get mad. I look at the poverty and education gap and realize that we are the ones that have created these problems and we are responsible for fixing them. There is no God that is going to step in and teach that poor child how to read or provide more resources when what we have is gone… Without a belief in the unseen the need to make a difference and fix the problems of the world falls upon our shoulders we are unable to see purpose behind suffering.

3. In my first moments of realizing that God did not exist the first emotion that slammed into me was the sense of being “alone”. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I think that psychologically we may need a belief in God just to combat that feeling at times.

I love the scene from the movie Contact where the main character Ellie makes contact with alien life forms for the first time. The alien appears in the form of her dead father and speaks to her of the beauty and the “aloneness” of mankind. Skip to about 14:30 in the video to see that scene.

*(I really mean to look up the context surrounding the quote and get a full idea of what Mencken is really talking about. I am almost certain that Mencken was talking about the purpose of religion in general. Since my background is Mormonism that is the experience and viewpoint that I draw upon as I look at this quote.)

God died a year ago

2011-08-14T02:13:00.003-05:00

It has now been about a year since I changed my Facebook religion to “Agnostic with Mormon tendencies” and wrote the blog post “God Died on Friday Night”. That blog post really did not talk about what happened for me the night that God died; instead I talked about black and white thinking and how I needed to move away from that mindset. In the last paragraph of that post I wrote about nurturing my own spirituality which over the course of a year I have discovered means living in the tangible and touchable present rather than in the realm of the unseen, unknown and unexaminable.

What I did not really write about were those first few moments after the death of God. I sat huddled in a dark corner of my apartment, my back up against a wall looking out at the tree line a few feet from my window. I had never in my life felt so small and helpless before. I had a horrible ache in my chest and could not breathe. In those first moments of “alone” I waited for the world to spin off of its axis and out into the vacuum of space where we would all surely die… I had literally and truly believed in God, my Father. I had spent hours and years talking to him. Reaching upward for him and really believed that I could feel him reaching back. Without God I wondered how the world would continue to exist. I fully expected the end of the world…

I did not sleep much and the sleep I did get was terrible, full of awful dreams. I woke up the next morning and felt the need to physically touch everything in sight. I ran my hand along the wall. I pressed my palm to the cool bathroom mirror. I went outside and felt the jagged bark of the oak trees by my door. I picked up a handful of dirt and squeezed it out through my fist. I let my fingers graze the metal arm of the lawn chair on my porch as I walked by it.

I don’t fully understand that reaction except to say that I needed to connect to the world in some way. I needed proof that the world had not ended with the death of God the night before and somehow feeling those things beneath my fingertips grounded me again. Everything was still there. I was still there. The world, my world, did not melt away with God.

A year later I still have moments where I want to reach skyward and I mourn the death of God but then I find myself instead reaching out and spontaneously picking up a leaf, or listening to the cicadas, or connecting with new people, and breathing in the moment. As wonderful, awful, painful and challenging as the world can be I find things to be more miraculous and more beautiful than ever before and the word "agnostic" is not nearly as terrifying and scary as it seemed to be a year ago.

D&C 130 Makes being Christian difficult...

2011-08-09T18:45:00.017-05:00

Dear Jeremy,

Your letter yesterday really hit home. Many of the ideas and issues that you bring up in your letter are the very same ones that I faced two years ago when my world shattered. (It will be good at this juncture to remind myself of why I HATED the church a few years ago since I seem so apologetic these days.)

You pointed out the hypocrisy of the church and ask where the Christian values and actions were to be found. If the church is more than just another man-made religion why are there not more good deeds and more actions to relieve suffering? (In my mind the debate over whether or not Mormons are actually Christian is directly related to these issues.) You asked if the church was good?

Mormons, whether they have analyzed it or not do not actually believe in the concept of “love thy neighbor as thy thyself”. They claim to be Christian, and they probably have lessons that include this scripture in them, but the concept is not really in any of the core structures or foundational doctrines of the church. Much more important in the Mormon belief system is Doctrine and Covenants 130: 20-21:

20 There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated –
21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

Turning a blind eye to suffering or even judging the suffering does not seem like hypocrisy to them nor do I think that many Mormons do it intentionally or maliciously. They have doctrine that backs up the reasons why the suffering suffer and the reasons why the blessed are blessed.

Obedience = Blessings

The very presence of anything that could be deemed as being a blessing means that you were obedient to something at some point. Blessings are rewards for obedience. Now the presence of a blessing does not have to mean obedience in THIS life. You can be blessed in this life for obedience in the previous life.

Click see bigger image

Think of the Plan of Salvation here. Everyone who is born onto this planet receives a specific blessing in this life for choices they made in the previous life. Foundational to Mormon belief is the idea that we came to this earth and received a body, this body will be resurrected when we die. We receive this blessing because we were obedient and chose to follow Christ’s plan in the previous life. This is really just one example of how this idea of obedience being linked directly to blessings is part of Mormon doctrine.

Think of all the times you heard such things growing about how blessed you were to be born into a family in America and into the church (sometimes mentioned was the blessing of not just being born into America and into the church, but being white). These are blessings we received for being valiant in the previous life…

The great Mormon myth that people who are born handicap in this life were so righteous in the previous one that God did not need to test them and prove them. They came to earth just to get a body and perhaps be examples to others and then go straight on to salvation and exaltation in the next life. (I don’t know that this is doctrinal, but growing up with an autistic brother this is something that I think I have heard EVERY bishop I ever had say to my parents.)

Then there are the countless stories of gay Mormons who work to be flawlessly obedient in hopes that by obedience the "blessing" of being straight will be granted...

Failure to be obedient = Absence of blessings

The flipside of this also tends to be part of the foundational doctrines of the church. Absence of a blessing is interpreted as failure to be obedient at some point. Think about why believers in the church often expect people who leave the church to fall flat on their faces and be miserable. Without the blessings that come from obedience how can anyone be happy? Successful? Content? At peace?

Consider another Doctrine and Covenants scripture:

D&C 82:10
“I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.”

Disobedience or sin = Challenges/Trials/”Punishments”

We all have challenges or trials in our lives. Mormons approach them in several ways though.

1. The Lord presents you with challenges and trials not because you are wicked but because you need them to grow or you need them in order to learn something specific.

2. Challenges and trials in this life are consequences and/or punishments for things that we have done either in this life or in the previous one.

So following this train of thought poor people are poor in this life either because there are specific things that person needs to learn from that challenge or trial or because of failure to comply with some rule or law that would have blessed them with riches in this life… (Remember we that were lucky enough to be born into wealthy middle class America were born there because of righteousness in the previous life so the opposite would of course be logical too. Guess those that are born wealthy in this life paid their tithing in the previous life…)

According to several believing Mormons who had a lot to say when I moved to Louisiana - Katrina was God's punishment for such wicked things as Mardi Gras... *eyeroll*

On a world scale the Mormons really believe that the world is getting more and more wicked. The Lord cannot bless the world and with the second coming he will eventually have to destroy all of the wickedness.

America’s economy is in the crapper because America is so evil and God can’t bless them. (Think about the Nephite pride cycle here. The Nephites get rich when they are righteous but are blighted and killed off when they become prideful… Blessings withdrawn.)

Now for your example of the Mormons you have encountered with uncharitable views of people dying of AIDS. The gay people were possibly born gay for several reasons: 1) previous sins 2) have not been obedient enough to be healed of "the gay" 3) there is something that person has to learn from it and will be healed in the next life if obedient enough in this one… Any gay person dying of AIDS clearly was not obedient to that inborn sense of right and wrong… Gay people KNOW/FEEL that it is wrong to sleep with someone of the same sex… They were not heeding the spirit and thus reap the consequences…

I have probably gone into more detail than I really needed to, but when these mindsets and filters are so foundational in your belief system it is hard to really feel the whole “love they neighbor as thyself” thing. It is hard to truly be Christian. These sorts of filters and mindsets automatically drive a wedge between you, the lucky bastard that was born Mormon because of righteousness in the previous life, and everyone else who was not so righteous in the previous life…

Suffering is the fault of the sufferer or the suffering has purpose. Suffering helps us learn, humbles us, and serves to bring us back to God. Also, part of it may go back to my previous post. Mormons can turn a blind eye because after all this life is temporary. This life is only a step in the plan. Those that suffer here and now won’t suffer in the next life…

Mormons can kick their gay children out onto the street. Its for the child's own good.

This is how your family member is able to think so poorly of people of gay people dying of AIDS. It was their own fault.

If poor people paid their tithing they would make somehow get by...

I am sorry this is the longest blog post of my life but I really needed to explain the filters in place that make it hard for Mormons to truly love and understand others...

Sincerely,

Kiley

Reinventing ourselves

2011-08-08T20:04:00.001-05:00

“Trust in new beginnings. You get to create your life one day at a time.” – My wonderful principal

My principal started our meeting this morning with the above statement. She went on to talk about how we can imagine and create our lives through deliberately choosing good habits, routines, and goals. These are exactly the sorts of things that I love and buy into. It was very empowering. I loved it! I had a bit of a spiritual moment this morning while dwelling on that thought.

I have spent the last two days putting up bulletin boards, scrubbing down classrooms, and sitting through meetings. I kind of grumbled and complained initially as I started back to work, but as I walked out of the school today smiling, happy, and singing a song to myself I realized that I have definitely picked the right career. Teaching really makes me happy.

I don’t think it was simply getting back to school that brought on the sunny mood, I think part of it was brought on by my life returning to its “regularly scheduled programming”. It all related back to what my principal had spoken about this morning. The routines, habits and goals that I have chosen as I have built my life here in Louisiana have been liberating, have promoted my growth and happiness and were chosen deliberately by me. As I walked out of the school happy I realized how happy I am to have space here in Louisiana to live the way that I need to live.

We as human beings really do seek out a kind of balance with life. We cling to the predictable, the stable and are very drawn into routines and habits. As much as we claim to like adventure and excitement I think we all get tired after awhile and we crave structure.

I find that so much of this relates to Mormonism and why people stay in the church even if they don’t like it and even if they don’t believe. I think much of this is related to why even when people leave they often long to go back…

I attended my first dinner/meeting with a local atheist/agnostic group where I had to introduce myself. As soon as I started speaking in my western accent they asked where I was from. As soon as I said I was from Utah they asked if I was Mormon or had been Mormon. As the conversation went on some of the people in the group who have been atheists their entire lives asked how people could believe such fantastic stories (ie. Joseph Smith seeing God, golden plates, etc).

I responded that when you hear something a million times through all of your growing up years it is easy to just accept it. When you then test it on your own and pray about it and receive the confirming “feelings” that it is true just as people predicted you would feel you buy in even more. (Self-fulfilling prophecy...) I then commented that many people who are “Mormon” don’t actually believe it. His next question of course was why they would continue to participate in something they did not actually believe in?

Here he was, an outsider bring up all of the questions that I have had myself. The reasons that many stay in the church are related to what I talked about at the beginning. We are creatures of habit and pattern. We thrive on routine. Breaking our Mormon habits can be pretty hard. Not to mention that for many all of our friends and family stay inside…

I really felt the pull of those old habits this summer. I loved hanging out with people in Utah this summer and meeting so many dear friends, but I found that the longer that I was in Utah the more angsty and conflicted I started to get. While in Utah I felt myself pulling towards my normal “Utah habits”. I wanted to engage in the activities that I used to engage in when I lived there. Those habits included things like going to church, going to the temple, being Mormon… I was seeking out old patterns because those were the patterns that I lived by in that environment before.

My habits and routines here in Louisiana are not very Mormony. With school starting back up thus getting back into my normal routines and habits here I find that I am feeling a bit restored, peace and happiness are coming back. I was pretty fucking happy last year and it looks like it will be another good year this year too! Hooooorrrah!

I used to roll my eyes a little bit when I would read on forums about how people felt the need to flee Utah upon leaving the church, and I find that I do love and miss Utah but more and more I can see that space and being in a new environment is beneficial. You get to create new habits, routines and ways of being. You are in a position where patterns have not been established and you get to start over. You can reinvent your life.

This moment, right now, what do you want most?

2011-08-06T22:22:00.006-05:00

My friend Jeremy wrote a few letters to me this week about the Mormon view of death and how several church doctrines actually cheapen life. I mean to respond to his letters in another post, though he is preaching to the choir here, I agree with much of what he said. His letters made me reflect on my own views of life and death and how they have changed over the last few years, months, and weeks.

An agnostic world view is certainly different from a Mormon world view. The way that one approaches life and how one chooses to live changes when one shifts how they see the world. There are many things that change, but one of the most significant changes that has occurred has to do with how one views the present in relation to the future.

Mormons, as with many religious people, live with the belief and point of view that this life is a stepping stone to the next life. That what you do here, and the hoops you jump through now will put you in a better position in this future life. Everything is very forward focused, and there are a great many things that God does not make clear right now... You hear about obedience to arbitrary rules as being the means to a glorious and meaningful end. Some trial was put in your path with the intent of you learning something significant to guide you on your way to this glorious next life. You live with this sense that the culmination of all things in this life is this reward in heaven and things are “meant to be” and opportunities present themselves in your path specifically to fulfill this master plan. God is in control of all. This omnipotent, omnipresent being is directing everything invisibly from above...

The problem with this worldview is that this life has value only as a step towards the next life. The focus is and emphasis is placed on this unseen and unknown life later on. Such a view, as Jeremy points out, automatically cheapens this life. This moment, this minute, is only valuable in that it is a moment to act to position yourself for the next life.

Besides shifting all of your focus forward towards your life after this one it also gives you this sense of “meant to be”. I cringe every time a friend or family member utters the phrase “it’s not meant to be”, “it must not be right”, “something else must be coming along”. Such thoughts really exemplify this idea that in this master plan you have a certain path that you are supposed to follow and that some grander being is somehow directing things. (If some grander being were somehow directing things he is an asshole… I would challenge those people that believe he's not and say that perhaps they have never seen real poverty or real suffering. If they have seen real poverty and real suffering maybe they have not dwelt upon it enough.) Many are acted upon rather than choose to act.

As I have become more and more agnostic I have actually found that my focus is much more on the moment and the foreseeable future rather than on some distant next life. This shift in focus has been empowering. I suddenly find myself asking, “What do you want?” “Where do you want to go?” “What direction do you want your life to take?” “How can I make the world better now? Right now! Today!”

My thinking shifted away from just looking at the opportunities that presented themselves to me and I have begun to look beyond that to harder to reach, but maybe more desirable things. Rather than being acted upon I find that I have become rather proactive in my approach to life. I don’t have to wait to see what some higher power somehow unfolds to me. This very moment, right now, has become the moment to reach for those most desirable things. This moment is no longer simply a stepping to stone towards some glorious next life. This moment is a glorious end and opportunity in and of itself.

In viewing each moment in such a way the value of life itself has changed. Life has value and is to be lived right now. I am in charge. The only “meant to be” is whatever I plan for the future (the foreseeable future, the future on this planet and in this lifetime).

Of course acknowledging that this moment counts and that there may not be more moments to come afterwards is a brave existence but I believe it is worth the angst and honesty that come with it.

Arghhhh - Dating dreams

2011-08-03T21:59:00.001-05:00

My desire to start dating with more frequency is apparently weighing on my mind so much that it has begun to invade my sleep time… The last four nights in a row I have dreamt about dating. I have dreamt about asking a girl out. I have dreamt about laughing over coffee. I have dreamt about dorky things like holding hands while in a movie theater. Interesting dreams.

This is something that for some reason I have been petrified of actually jumping into and my number of dates and the number of girls I have gone out with is pretty small and most of them have occurred within the last few weeks. I don’t fully understand why but I am hitting an emotional and mental block that stops me from taking the plunge.

I am just going to throw a few of my thoughts or suspicions out there in a more or less unorganized way just so that I can start actually processing these things and figuring out if they are my roadblocks. This is something that I need to start thinking about and resolving and hitting the little "publish" button somehow helps me work through things...

Possible reasons for why I have not taken the plunge to actually date more:

I was a very, very good little Mormon girl… I never entertained the thought of dating another woman, and though I have left belief behind somehow shaking the thought that dating other women is “giving in” to something bad is still haunting me.

This is something new and different and even in my limited number of dates with just a few women it is clear that dating women is really not going to be the same as dating men was…

I have only dated Mormons both men and women. Even as a nonbeliever I find that I am mentally approaching dating in the same way that I did before and there are some serious problems with Mormon dating mentality. I need to think about how to not date like a Mormon…

Despite making a lot of progress and kind of feeling like I am growing into myself maybe I am still not ok with being gay on some level and this is causing me to hold back… (I mean getting over 29 years of engrained beliefs is a bitch…)

Now I need to just let these thoughts marinate… I tend to over-think things and I may be running the risk of doing so right now with this… Maybe I need to just throw this post out there and then just go down the street to the lesbian bar… I need to get out of my head and just go have some fun.

Enough already

2011-08-01T12:12:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I woke up and wanted to go church. This was a surprising urge because to be honest towards the end of my stay in Utah I was kind of feeling a bit of “mormon overload”. I sat on the couch actually looking at the church website and going through the different nearby locations where I could attend a meeting. As I was plotting out how to get to the address I stopped myself and had a “what the hell” moment where I asked myself some serious questions.

“Do I still think the church is true on some level?”

I sat there thinking about that question for a minute because I really couldn’t think of a good reason for attending unless the answer to that question was somehow “yes”. I sat there thinking about such things as the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith, current church leadership, history… The answer was a “no” followed by a “I wish it were though.”

I have had this wish for awhile. This wish that the church were what it claimed to be has for some reason been gaining momentum in my mind… I find myself wondering why. I think it goes back to being able to see a lot of good things in my life that came from the church and wanting to reconcile the past by focusing on the more positive aspects. Time also has a way of making us forget pain – I have somehow forgotten a lot of the pain, depression and hurt that the church caused because that to a great degree has healed.

This is where the logical side of me wages war with my desires and feelings. Just because I want something does not mean it is good, healthy or true. I found myself asking what I hoped to gain through attendance. What was I looking for in going?

I don’t really have an answer for that. I have started to read up on the stages of grief and reading accounts of others that have left the church and gone through the grieving process and I am a little bit disheartened that after close to two years I am still dealing with such a huge sense of loss. Wanting to go is probably driven simply by not wanting to feel that loss.

As I sat on the couch I was reading through my list of favorite quotes and thought I would just share some of them in this post.

“Knowing that there is no way back you've got to find someway forward.” -Brian Johnston (New Order Mormon Forum)

“Sometimes we need to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Conrad

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected.” –Tyler Durden

“There comes a time in a man’s life when to get where he has to go, if there are no doors or windows, he must walk through a wall.” – Bernard Malamud

It is ok to be sad, angry and disappointed that the church is not what it claims to be. It is ok to feel lied to. It is ok to feel loss. What is not ok is to let those feelings of loss pull you back in. More than anything else I really believe that a person’s integrity is directly tied to LIVING what he or she believes. Attending church just because I want it to be real compromises my integrity when I know it is not real. Enough is enough already. We are nothing if we don't have our integrity.

"Turn if off" translates to passive-aggressive

2011-07-30T15:53:00.007-05:00

I mentioned in my last post that on the drive home from Utah I listened to the Book of Mormon Musical soundtrack. Yep, I pretty much have it memorized. They did a really good job pulling key elements of Mormon culture out and displaying them in funny ways.

As a believing member I would not have been amused in the least by the soundtrack. The songs were so true to the culture that the hurt would probably have made me mad. Taking things a lot less seriously and literally now I laughed my head off the first few times I listened to the songs. (I look forward to the day that Mormons stop taking themselves so seriously and can laugh a little bit at their weirdness, OUR weirdness.)

One song in particular gets to me every time I hear it or every time it is referenced. The song “Turn It Off” was awesome.

Here is a link to YouTube – Give the song a quick listen.

(Part of the lyrics for anyone who is at work…)

I got a feelin’

That you could be feelin’

A whole lot better than you feel today.

You say you got a problem

Well, that’s no problem

It’s super easy not to feel that way.

When you start to get confused

Because of thoughts in your head

Don’t feel those feelings

Hold them in instead.

Turn it off

Like a light switch

Just go click

It’s a cool little Mormon trick.

When you’re feeling certain feelings that just don’t seem right

Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light.

And turn ‘em off.

Like a light switch

Just go back

Really, whats so hard about that?

Turn it off!

Basically the gist of the song is to push aside or ignore any feelings that make us uncomfortable. Don’t deal with them just push them aside. This runs rampant in the culture. I think this idea of NOT dealing with unpleasant feelings and situations manifests in multiple ways.

Forums and blogs are full of people complaining about passive-aggressive behavior from Mormon family members or friends. The list of things I have read on forums or heard from friends is incredible. Behaviors range from things like little comments about how your callings are going when they know you don't go to church, hugging you to check and see if you are wearing your garments, bearing testimony via Facebook status, ignoring your phone calls on Monday nights because that is Family Home Evening night and calling back after it should be over, people spying on your Facebook page and then asking when you quit wearing your garments, people getting defriended on Facebook left and right, asking indirect questions to try and get to specific information, people sending the missionaries to your door, or calling your ward leaders on your behalf... The list could go on and on...

I know that Mormons did not invent passive-aggressive behavior but it feels like they could compete on Olympic levels for gold medals … Someone recently joked that we all graduated from seminary with PhDs in passive aggressive and the comment had me rolling on the floor laughing.

I have been dealing with a lot of individuals who are rather passive-aggressive. Rather than dealing with things head on they will go about showing their displeasure with me in indirect ways. It drives me up the wall so I often choose simply to ignore it. I figure if an issue is not big enough for someone to bring it to me it is a non-issue. (Maybe this is passive aggressive of me to even mention this here? LOL. I was Mormon – I have my own PhD in Passive Aggressive hanging up on my wall… I’m bringing up the topic to make a point though not to attack anyone! LOL.)

So much of this behavior though is driven by simply needing to sweep things under the rug. There is a need to turn the feelings off and it is a whole hell of a lot harder to ignore unpleasant feelings and situations when you actually face them head on. Once faced and acknowledged they must be dealt with rather than just swept away… Once you make eye contact with those feelings and situations they can’t just be “turned off”.

Often I am more than happy to just sit back and let the passive-aggressive actions keep coming down because sometimes I just don’t want to deal with the unspoken problem, am not ready to have a real conversation myself and sometimes space will sort things out on its own. I am learning too that some things are not WORTH being dealt with. Some battles are not worth the blood loss.

Who is your "family" and where is your "home"?

2011-07-27T20:37:00.002-05:00

Funny that my last post was about isolation… I just spent two days driving 1753 miles from Utah back to Louisiana in isolation and fearing isolation living in the middle of nowhere in rural, rural Louisiana. (Please note the double emphasis implied by using “rural” twice. ) The hotel clerk lastnight (at 2:00 am) was not chatty and looked annoyed that I was enthusiastically trying to make small talk. I really just needed conversation with another human being…

I’m glad such things as cell phones have been invented. I spent the drive talking on the phone to several people, checked my Facebook every time I had service at a gas stations and stoplights, and of course singing at the top of my lungs to such wonderful CDs as The Book of Mormon Musical and my favorite lady KD Lang. I was not actually “alone” on the drive engaging in such activities.

My friend Kristy must have been glad I was on my way back to Louisiana because she called me like 8 times… (Or she secretly reads my blog and was worried by the post about isolation, and not wanting to come back to this state… Maybe she wanted me to know someone was going to be here on this end to receive me as I left so many wonderful people behind in Utah…)

I was ok about leaving Utah (not really) until I got to Moab. I swear part of my soul lives in the orange and red rocks of Moab because I started crying when the red dirt started to appear, just about called up and quit my job, and was close to just camping out somewhere in the area with my tent, my cat, and my quinoa salad… I love that region of Utah so much that I would be willing to live the nomadic life off grid eating bugs and stuff to survive… My internet addiction might have brought me into town a few times a day… (I’m in such strange mood after being in the car for so long… Sorry. ) If it had not been raining in Moab I would probably have spent the day hiking instead of driving… Once the downpour started I was crying, grumpy and just drove on to Colorado…

I was not happy to be in Louisiana until I got to my house and realized that I was indeed home. You know how when you have been away from a place for a long time it becomes almost not real. Until I pulled into my own driveway, and saw my own dumb wreath hanging on the door and touched my own doorknob the place had no longer been real.

I was pretty damn happy and content last school year. Last year was a good year. Its almost like I forgot that this summer and pulling into the driveway those happy feelings came back again. After getting home I rushed to the grocery store before it closed at 8:00 pm to pick up milk, eggs, grapefruits, etc and ran into three previous students. It was nice to get hugs! Seeing people I knew and loved reminded me that though Louisiana is NOT super-liberal and not super-accepting there are people who love me here…

My neighbor was shocked to see me pull up. They did not think I was coming back?! I explained that I live in other places each summer and come back to Louisiana for the school year. This is not a privilege that many can afford, but is definitely a perk when it comes to teaching. Living in multiple places is such a strange thing… I have many “homes”. I am home in Louisiana, in Oregon, and in Utah.

As I sit here after driving so far, having only like five hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, and definitely not eating enough I realize I am probably not the brightest crayon in the box at this moment but “home” really is about WHO is there to receive you. I have “family” (interpreted to be real family and friends that are “family”) in Riverton, Orem, Provo, Salt Lake, Murray, Portland, Tigard, Beaverton, Eugene, Grants Pass, Saint Francisville, Baton Rouge, Clinton, Spanish Town, Denton, New Orleans, El Paso, and so many other places. ALL of those places are home because of the people that live there and receive me… That crappy latex stencil on my friend’s wall is true, “Home is where my family is”…

Isolation

2011-07-25T15:25:00.004-05:00

Last night 3:00 am rolls around and I could not go back to sleep. I ended up watching a documentary on Netflix called Solitary Confinement. It is an examination of this solitary confinement prison in Colorado and it discusses some of the mental and emotional effects that years in solitary confinement have on inmates. (I know... Just the sort of movie you would want to try and fall asleep too...)

At this particular prison the inmates are locked up for 23 hours a day. They get out for one hour to workout and to shower, but even those things are done in complete isolation. The only human contact they get is when they are moved out of their cell to the shower or workout room and then back to their cell, and when their food is handed to them in their cell through a slot in the door.

Over and over again you saw inmates in their tiny cells just pacing back and forth. They paced back and forth so much over the years that they actually wear patterns into the cement of their cells. One guy confided in the interviewer that he had not had a conversation with another human being in over two years.

After years of such limited contact with anyone or anything many of the inmates really do start to go crazy. They start to lose touch with reality, they are depressed and suicidal. They often become more violent than before. They withdraw into themselves and find ways to not need people. Some come out never speak again…

This movie impacted me. It made me really emotional. Of course most people have never lived in this sort of isolation, but we can imagine it to a degree. Even thinking about that level of isolation causes me to start feeling claustrophobic and sad.

Isolation takes so many forms. Those inmates were physically isolated which lead to their emotional and mental isolation, but there are so many that walk around without physical constraint and for various reasons are still walled off emotionally and mentally. They are isolated either because of their own invisible walls or society’s. Those invisible walls are just as detrimental and containing as physical walls. How many people just walking around in real life have not had a real conversation in over two years?

It really is not just a gay thing, or a Mormon thing… I have friends of all sorts that have spoken of these sorts of things… I start to wonder why we are so afraid? Why do we often live in self-imposed isolation when it basically prevents growth of almost any kind? We want, need and thrive on connecting with others and yet hold back… It is probably our need to connect and our need for community that causes us to hide in the first place. We don’t want to get thrown out of the tribe from some reason; we don’t want to get hurt. If they really see “me” they won’t like me mentality…

As I have talked to people though, and tried to build real connections with many it has surprised me how similar we all are. We all generally want and need the same things.

Neal said in the comments on this post, “I think we all have a need to be not just accepted but understood.” I think that as we hide ourselves and self-isolate we are settling for being accepted but we are forgoing being truly understood. As we hold back we are not giving others the chance to understand even though being understood and understanding others is the more fulfilling and nourishing thing…

I really think that the isolation and wall building comes from fear of being rejected and that is always a risk, but at some point being understood is probably worth the risk and worth being rejected by some.

If you are accepted for only parts of yourself or for a façade is that really what you need? Just seeking acceptance seems to lead to even more isolation... All of this from an anti-social introvert... If I can open up with all of my social phobias you can... :)